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Sweet Izy Kitty enjoying the warm sun during one of her final walks through the garden.

UPDATE: Holy smokes, I hit publish and WordPress informed me this is my 300th post. 300th post… 3rd FET. Is this a sign for the heavens? Probably not but I’m silly and superstitious! 

Before I get into the technicalities of this cycle, can I start off by saying how amazing you all are? I was terrified to post about my struggles. I was so worried I would be told to toughen up. I was dreading the potential onslaught of negative emails stating that antidepressants when TTC are harmful to the baby. I was certain there would be a slew of “I’m sorry for what you are going through… I have never been there” comments that would only make me feel more isolated and broken. Instead I received comment after comment from women confessing their mental struggles before, after or during infertility. Some women were inspired to open up on their own blogs about their life-long struggles, bringing awareness to their condition and giving me reassurance that I’m not utterly alone in my life-long struggle with mental illness. I only wish I had written about this sooner. I wish I had reached out for help months, hell, years ago. That said, I’m so glad I finally took the first step and that I came clean on this blog. Today I feel a deep sense of peace and am hopeful it stays throughout this cycle.

This cycle! Let’s talk about that! Last night I started estrogen pills. Y’all, did you know there are generic estrogen pills that are a fraction of the cost of Vivelle Dots???? I sure hope they produce the same rock-star lining as the Vivelle did because OMG, $8 for 100 estradiol tabs is WAY better than the couple hundred for a bunch of sticky dots that made my belly itch!

So estrogen started yesterday. I go in for my lining check on October 3. If all is well in the ute and the blood work then we’ll do our transfer on October 10 – my 32 birthday. I have mixed emotions about transferring on my birthday. On one hand, perhaps it is a good omen, on another, a BFN would be a hell of a way to kick of 32. Ultimately, though, it is just another day in the life of an infertile and I probably should not read too far into it.

The Professor and I have agreed to transfer two embryos this time. I mentioned this in my Plan C post and had a few comments asking why this was such a big stinking deal. Let me explain briefly – I am TERRIFIED of twins. Two babies are something I just can’t fathom. Two babies are also expensive and risky. There is a lot of research floating around that shows that single embryo transfers are just as effective as double embryo transfers. That said, after so many failed cycles we are ready to step it up and give two embyos a shot. I hope and pray that one takes a strong hold and sticks around for the long haul.

With another cycle means another chance at a positive pregnancy test and another risk of losing a baby. With this thought I feel the fear and anxiety well up inside of me. I am stronger than this, though, and am bound and determined to overcome it. In efforts to keep my mind out of the terrible spiral of fear I am setting some new ground rules. Want to hear them? Sure you do! (Humor me…)

  1. Every morning I will journal that day’s positive intention and then list 10 things I’m grateful for. These can be anything from the serious – my husband – to the mundane – an appreciation for indoor plumbing on a cold morning.
  2. I’m starting my yoga practice back up. Yesterday morning I did 20 minutes and good grief I’m sore today. Tonight I will do another 20 minutes. I will practice for 20 minutes every day – either in the morning or at night.
  3. I am going back to acupuncture for stress relief. I had stopped going during the last cycle because, well, really for no real reason. I just stopped. Some people scoff that a bunch of needles in your ears and feet can bring you stress relief and balance, but it can. At least for me. I went yesterday and am scheduled for the next three weeks.
  4. I will continue my medication as directed by my therapist.
  5. I will continue to meet with my counselor on a bi-weekly basis.
  6. I will work to simplify my life and not over commit – a bad habit I have to keep my brain busy and away from the toxic thoughts.
  7. I will download the Circle and Bloom FET program tonight and use it daily.

If for any reason during this cycle I feel I’m losing control of my emotions I will cancel it. Another transfer does me no good if my body is too stressed out to receive the embryos. I trust that you all will support me should this happen.

So that is where I stand right now. Another cycle, another chance. Please, please let this be the one.

And finally, my family’s 20 year-old cat died last week. This is extremely hard for my Mom and Dad who were terribly fond of the little cat. I wrote about her on our Adventures in Marriage blog if you would like to stop by and read about Izy Kitty. I want to encourage you to leave a comment, not for myself, but for my parents. I know they will read them and I am certain they will mean a lot.



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  1. September 26, 2012

    Glad to hear that opening up worked for you! Looks like we will be FET cycle buddies! I started estrace today and if everything goes well we will be transferring October 11. Which just so happens to be my husband’s 31st birthday too! This has just GOT to work for both of us!

    • September 26, 2012

      Yay for cycle buddies! I SO HOPE this our month!

  2. September 26, 2012

    I can burn a copy of the Circle and Bloom Cd is you want it, and can mail it tomorrow if you like.

    Your plan sounds lovely and I hope you refer back to the post to help you stick to it. 🙂

  3. marwil #
    September 26, 2012

    That sounds like a good plan to me. I’m hopeful for you!

  4. September 26, 2012

    Oh I’m so sorry to hear about kitty. That’s so hard, no matter how old they are.

    I wanted to chime in quick to say YAY for transferring 2 embryos! FET’s have way lower odds of producing multiples, so I think this is a very, very wise decision. My clinic always transfers 2 for FET’s (if there are two to transfer) and have not had a twin pregnancy in over 3 years. I think this is a great idea for getting 1 baby, but not risky for getting 2. (If you get twins from it, please don’t hate me. I will be transferring 2 on the 12th and I’m worried I’ve jinxed myself into twins.)

    Good luck! They sure move quickly at your clinic! I have to do lupron and BCP for an FET which takes FOREVER!

  5. September 26, 2012

    I missed your last post, but I will tell you that I was on Zoloft for 6 years following a string of miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. Had anyone even suggested that I was harming my future babies or that I was being weak… well, I would have feared for their safety! I think you rock for being in tune enough to realize that you needed a bit of help over the humps. A healthy mama is the most important ingredient in making a take-home baby. Good luck in this FET cycle- 3 IS A MAGIC NUMBER (that you School House Rocks)!! You plan sounds pretty amazing.

  6. September 26, 2012

    I just got the time to sit down and read this post and your last one. I am not feeling some of the things you are…yet. Only because I’ve not gotten to the IVF point…yet. It’s a damn struggle to be in the position we are in. I am completely not surprised by the PTSD diagnosis because of your loss. I’m terrified myself of what is to come. But…you give me hope that whatever is going to come to me, I can handle it, even if I have to ask for professional help. Thank you!!!

  7. September 26, 2012

    GO FET #3!! 3 is my favorite number! 🙂

    I’m glad that the last post made you feel better- and made other people feel better.

  8. Vanessa #
    September 26, 2012

    Wow, your plan of action is seriously inspiring — so much goodness going on there, I think you’ll be in a much better place very soon. And don’t pay much attention to the transfer happening on your birthday. If it’s any consolation, my 33rd birthday was spent killing off a 5-week embryo that had lodged itself in my fallopian tube. Literally, it was as the clock struck midnight that the doctor gave me two shots of methotrexate in my butt. Then as I was being discharged, the nurse looked at my chart and said, “Oh! Happy birthday!” So yeah… just another day in the life of an infertile!

  9. September 26, 2012

    Sorry to hear about kitty 😦

    Love your plan! I’ll be praying for you this cycle!

  10. September 26, 2012

    Wow! Sounds like you have really thought everything through. That’s awesome!

    So sorry to hear about kitty. It’s so awful when we lose furry family members, but after 20 years! That must be so hard!

  11. September 26, 2012

    It’s a sign from the heavens. I’ll be up to 300 soon too, so it must be a sign for both of us, in completely different ways.

    I love the plan. Listing happy things every day really helped me when I did it…and I need to go back to it before my counselor kicks my butt!

    I’m really hopeful that now is your time.

  12. Juno #
    September 26, 2012

    I also need to start back going to acu. I just stopped too. No reason, just quit. They’ve now moved to a closer location that happens to be 925 ft, yes FEET from my new employer (according to gps). I see it as a cosmic baby god sign that I am meant to use acu lol. Xoxox

  13. September 27, 2012

    I have another bit of superstitious coincidence for you: my mom’s birthday was also October 10, so I’m sure that somehow adds to your good luck for this cycle. If she has any say in these matters from the beyond, I’ll be sure to put in a good word with her on your behalf.

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