UPDATE: Holy smokes, I hit publish and WordPress informed me this is my 300th post. 300th post… 3rd FET. Is this a sign for the heavens? Probably not but I’m silly and superstitious!
Before I get into the technicalities of this cycle, can I start off by saying how amazing you all are? I was terrified to post about my struggles. I was so worried I would be told to toughen up. I was dreading the potential onslaught of negative emails stating that antidepressants when TTC are harmful to the baby. I was certain there would be a slew of “I’m sorry for what you are going through… I have never been there” comments that would only make me feel more isolated and broken. Instead I received comment after comment from women confessing their mental struggles before, after or during infertility. Some women were inspired to open up on their own blogs about their life-long struggles, bringing awareness to their condition and giving me reassurance that I’m not utterly alone in my life-long struggle with mental illness. I only wish I had written about this sooner. I wish I had reached out for help months, hell, years ago. That said, I’m so glad I finally took the first step and that I came clean on this blog. Today I feel a deep sense of peace and am hopeful it stays throughout this cycle.
This cycle! Let’s talk about that! Last night I started estrogen pills. Y’all, did you know there are generic estrogen pills that are a fraction of the cost of Vivelle Dots???? I sure hope they produce the same rock-star lining as the Vivelle did because OMG, $8 for 100 estradiol tabs is WAY better than the couple hundred for a bunch of sticky dots that made my belly itch!
So estrogen started yesterday. I go in for my lining check on October 3. If all is well in the ute and the blood work then we’ll do our transfer on October 10 – my 32 birthday. I have mixed emotions about transferring on my birthday. On one hand, perhaps it is a good omen, on another, a BFN would be a hell of a way to kick of 32. Ultimately, though, it is just another day in the life of an infertile and I probably should not read too far into it.
The Professor and I have agreed to transfer two embryos this time. I mentioned this in my Plan C post and had a few comments asking why this was such a big stinking deal. Let me explain briefly – I am TERRIFIED of twins. Two babies are something I just can’t fathom. Two babies are also expensive and risky. There is a lot of research floating around that shows that single embryo transfers are just as effective as double embryo transfers. That said, after so many failed cycles we are ready to step it up and give two embyos a shot. I hope and pray that one takes a strong hold and sticks around for the long haul.
With another cycle means another chance at a positive pregnancy test and another risk of losing a baby. With this thought I feel the fear and anxiety well up inside of me. I am stronger than this, though, and am bound and determined to overcome it. In efforts to keep my mind out of the terrible spiral of fear I am setting some new ground rules. Want to hear them? Sure you do! (Humor me…)
- Every morning I will journal that day’s positive intention and then list 10 things I’m grateful for. These can be anything from the serious – my husband – to the mundane – an appreciation for indoor plumbing on a cold morning.
- I’m starting my yoga practice back up. Yesterday morning I did 20 minutes and good grief I’m sore today. Tonight I will do another 20 minutes. I will practice for 20 minutes every day – either in the morning or at night.
- I am going back to acupuncture for stress relief. I had stopped going during the last cycle because, well, really for no real reason. I just stopped. Some people scoff that a bunch of needles in your ears and feet can bring you stress relief and balance, but it can. At least for me. I went yesterday and am scheduled for the next three weeks.
- I will continue my medication as directed by my therapist.
- I will continue to meet with my counselor on a bi-weekly basis.
- I will work to simplify my life and not over commit – a bad habit I have to keep my brain busy and away from the toxic thoughts.
- I will download the Circle and Bloom FET program tonight and use it daily.
If for any reason during this cycle I feel I’m losing control of my emotions I will cancel it. Another transfer does me no good if my body is too stressed out to receive the embryos. I trust that you all will support me should this happen.
So that is where I stand right now. Another cycle, another chance. Please, please let this be the one.
And finally, my family’s 20 year-old cat died last week. This is extremely hard for my Mom and Dad who were terribly fond of the little cat. I wrote about her on our Adventures in Marriage blog if you would like to stop by and read about Izy Kitty. I want to encourage you to leave a comment, not for myself, but for my parents. I know they will read them and I am certain they will mean a lot.