There is a post that has been rolling around in my head for months now. One that I have tried to write many times but end up deleting because friends and loved ones who know me in real life read this. Then Trisha wrote about her desperate desire to tell anyone and everyone about her children the flood gates opened, reminding me that change does not happen if you sit silently.
I have exactly one friend who calls, writes and texts regularly asking how I am and acknowledging my baby. My mother does not acknowledge my baby. My brother, who I am extremely close to, does not acknowledge my baby. My closest friends, many of whom have been with me through some of my darkest days, do not acknowledge my baby. My coworkers, who knew about the IVF, pregnancy and loss, do not acknowledge my baby.
I have a lot of friends who read this and I desperately want them to hear me today – I had a child. I want you to realize this might be the ONLY child I ever have. While Pip’s time with me was very brief, Pip was there. Pip began when my egg met my husband’s sperm. Pip was ours and I need people to not forget.
This weekend an acquaintance I’ve only known for a few months looked me in the eyes and said he thinks of me often. He asked how I was. He asked point-blank how hard is this for me? He acknowledged the child I had and lost. Had we not been surrounded by strangers I would have hugged him and cried. It was so nice to have that. And it was so sad that it came from someone who barely knows me.
Here is where I usually delete this post because I don’t know where to go next. So I’ll leave it at this: please don’t forget. Please don’t close me out because my situation makes you uncomfortable. My situation makes me uncomfortable. It eats me from the inside out, literally. And you know what makes it worse? When you turn your back and pretend nothing ever happened.