After reading all your input on whether to go this transfer alone or bring a friend I have decided to go the alone route. I’m going to pack a delicious picnic lunch and head to the Conservatory after the transfer. I can sit in the sun and have my lunch, pop in my iPod and listen to my circle and bloom and then go commune with the flowers and, if I feel inspired, photograph them.
Since it will also be my birthday I’ll go to Yin Yoga that evening, a gentle stress-relief yoga that focuses on deep breathing and stretching. I actually signed up for a two-hour Yin Yoga workshop tomorrow evening, too, that I am really excited about.
I was doing a really good job staying positive up until yesterday and then reality set in again – I’m doing another transfer. I’m setting myself up for another BFN or, worse, another miscarriage. This is our last FET. After this we are facing life without children or another fresh cycle and, honestly, I’m not sure if the mother-in-law will be willing to pull another $10k out of the trust for us.
I know the Professor truly can’t be at this transfer because of work, but it still upsets me. It brings me back to my pregnancy and loss, which I was on my own for. The doctor, nurse and I were the only ones in that damn exam room when I saw my dead baby. There were no hugs offered. I was alone when I had to fight to get my blood type drawn. There were no hugs. The Professor came home that evening but it was too late – the damage had been done. I was pregnant alone, I miscarried alone, I received the devastating news alone. Honestly, there are not enough hugs in the world to make up for that.
Going to the transfer without him just feels like I’m setting myself up for lonely failure all over again. Which is SO FREAKING NEGATIVE and not the mentality I want for this transfer. I can push it back, but ultimately it is still there – I’m scared.
I am working on mindful living by acknowledging my fears and then focusing on positive thoughts, energies, activities. In keeping with this, I will end this negative post with a list of positives:
- I have a good lining.
- I’m not freaking out about crazy diseases this time. (Huge improvement! Go Brain Go!)
- I’m sleeping well.
- I have some yoga things planned.
- I’m going to visit a very dear long-time friend this weekend for an early birthday celebration complete with allergy-friendly cupcakes and red wine
- I’m looking forward to my solo-date to the conservatory and being able to linger for as long as I want and photograph as many angles of the same flower without an impatient husband tapping his toe.
- I have some writing projects at work to focus on, which is rare and exciting.
- The Large Fries are getting along better after the addition of play time twice a day, new medication for Newton and Feliway (I really need to write an entire update on the Large Fries actually. We are making tons of progress with them!)
- I think I’m getting new boots for my birthday. (this lady loves her some new shoes)
- I have a new, competent eye specialist who is going to give me the care I deserve and preserve my sight.
- And finally: Toast. I’ve been eating it (gluten-free) and while it might not be helping to slim my waistline it sure as hell is making me a happy camper. I love toast.
There, I feel a better already. This is going to work.