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Struggling to stay positive

10/04/2012

Belle

After reading all your input on whether to go this transfer alone or bring a friend I have decided to go the alone route. I’m going to pack a delicious picnic lunch and head to the Conservatory after the transfer. I can sit in the sun and have my lunch, pop in my iPod and listen to my circle and bloom and then go commune with the flowers and, if I feel inspired, photograph them.

Since it will also be my birthday I’ll go to Yin Yoga that evening, a gentle stress-relief yoga that focuses on deep breathing and stretching. I actually signed up for a two-hour Yin Yoga workshop tomorrow evening, too, that I am really excited about.

I was doing a really good job staying positive up until yesterday and then reality set in again – I’m doing another transfer. I’m setting myself up for another BFN or, worse, another miscarriage. This is our last FET. After this we are facing life without children or another fresh cycle and, honestly, I’m not sure if the mother-in-law will be willing to pull another $10k out of the trust for us.

I know the Professor truly can’t be at this transfer because of work, but it still upsets me. It brings me back to my pregnancy and loss, which I was on my own for. The doctor, nurse and I were the only ones in that damn exam room when I saw my dead baby. There were no hugs offered. I was alone when I had to fight to get my blood type drawn. There were no hugs. The Professor came home that evening but it was too late – the damage had been done. I was pregnant alone, I miscarried alone, I received the devastating news alone. Honestly, there are not enough hugs in the world to make up for that.

Going to the transfer without him just feels like I’m setting myself up for lonely failure all over again. Which is SO FREAKING NEGATIVE and not the mentality I want for this transfer. I can push it back, but ultimately it is still there – I’m scared.

I am working on mindful living by acknowledging my fears and then focusing on positive thoughts, energies, activities. In keeping with this, I will end this negative post with a list of positives:

  • I have a good lining.
  • I’m not freaking out about crazy diseases this time. (Huge improvement! Go Brain Go!)
  • I’m sleeping well.
  • I have some yoga things planned.
  • I’m going to visit a very dear long-time friend this weekend for an early birthday celebration complete with allergy-friendly cupcakes and red wine
  • I’m looking forward to my solo-date to the conservatory and being able to linger for as long as I want and photograph as many angles of the same flower without an impatient husband tapping his toe.
  • I have some writing projects at work to focus on, which is rare and exciting.
  • The Large Fries are getting along better after the addition of play time twice a day, new medication for Newton and Feliway (I really need to write an entire update on the Large Fries actually. We are making tons of progress with them!)
  • I think I’m getting new boots for my birthday. (this lady loves her some new shoes)
  • I have a new, competent eye specialist who is going to give me the care I deserve and preserve my sight.
  • And finally: Toast. I’ve been eating it (gluten-free) and while it might not be helping to slim my waistline it sure as hell is making me a happy camper. I love toast.

There, I feel a better already. This is going to work.

This is as far as I will go with my political opinions on this blog 🙂    Source.

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22 Comments

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  1. October 4, 2012

    I know it’s hard to be positive. I’m proud of you for really, really trying to stay positive. I need to be more like you 😉

  2. October 4, 2012

    Ive been alone for all my transfers. I was alone for my miscarriage and if I am completely truthful the only appointments husband goes with me to are the ones where he needs to provide a sample.

    You’re right. There aren’t enough hugs in the world for what you’ve faced. I wouldn’t wish being alone on anyone with all you have been through.
    But you will face it, you will talk to yourself and you will be ok.

    When I had my low heart rate emergency, I went to the Dr alone, I went to the ER alone, I called my husband but he told me he was busy and whatever was wrong with me wasn’t something he could help me with so, I did that alone too. Only when an emergency appointment was made with a Cardiologist was made did he get scared. And then he wanted to come. Never once did he consider how scared I was.

    It sucks Belle, it really does. But going alone is not precedent setting. It doesn’t indicate a final outcome. And if you’re really that worried about it being your last transfer, then just transfer one.

    Take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, and girl, focus on the boots and celebrating your birthday 🙂 You have lots of things to look forward to!

  3. 35life #
    October 4, 2012

    I’m so sorry you have to go it alone but I think you’ve made the right choice despite the circumstances. I was almost going to be without hubs at my last transfer and I think going alone is stronger and better than bringing a friend or family member. It might have even felt weird to me. I think you’ve got the right things planned for post-transfer – there’s nothing more peaceful than nature. I totally get the fear of losing hope – I’m battling that right now. I just picked up a check from my mom for our IVF deposit and feel the same way. I just don’t think there will be family members to rely on financially going forward, we are all too drained. I really hope this works for you and me both, this road is just so hard to keep traveling down. Stay strong! You’ve got a lot of good positives on your list.

  4. Amy #
    October 4, 2012

    I think it’s totally normal to struggle with the positivity/negativity balance after all you’ve been through – but you should give yourself tons of credit for taking so many proactive steps to address and deal with the stress of it all! You are right to acknowledge the fear – it IS scary, but what matters is that you are doing it anyway, and while we all want so badly for you to succeed, you can also know that no matter what happens, you are capable of handling it. Very much looking forward to your botanical photos – I hope the coming days are every bit as pleasant and enjoyable as it sounds they will be for you!

  5. October 4, 2012

    I’m sorry that you’re going to be alone again for this transfer. But I think you’re doing a wonderful job of making the best out of the situation. You’re practicing self-care and that’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your embryos. And if a sad or negative thought creeps in, don’t try to fight it or feel guilty about it. I actually think it creates less stress in our bodies to acknowledge our bad feelings than to fight them.

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this turns out to be your best birthday ever. 🙂

  6. October 4, 2012

    Love the focus on the positive….always helps me feel better too, that and the gratitude list, starts as a chore and then has me smiling ear to ear when I finish it. You can do this Belle, I hope this is it for you. Come on frosties!

  7. October 4, 2012

    You’re doing it, Belle. You’re staying positive, despite an incredibly scary situation. I have so much hope for this cycle. Fingers, toes and other appendages are crossed!

  8. October 4, 2012

    Your plan sounds so nice. I’m so sorry you have to do this alone. Stay positive. I’m hoping for you sooooooo much!!!

  9. October 4, 2012

    I just wanted to say that I’m reading a long, even though I don’t comment as frequently as I’d like to. I really hope this cycle is THE cycle and am so sorry you had to go through your miscarriage alone. I can’t imagine how devastating that would be.

    I also wanted to say that yin yoga is amazing and if you want to work on it at home there is a great kit that my friend got me that you can use at home. I’m planning on using it to get in my self-mandated 10-30 minutes of meditation a day. I absolutely LOVE yin yoga and can’t recommend it enough to people. I’m so glad you have some classes to enjoy.

  10. October 4, 2012

    Yes, it is hard to be positive. I’m finding it really hard lately, but you have inspired me to remember the good things that I have in my life. Good luck with your transfer and enjoy your day at the Conservatory.

  11. October 4, 2012

    It’s so hard to stay positive and it’s totally understandable to feel alone after all that’s happened to you. It sounds like you are doing a great job of taking care of yourself. Maybe that’s the best any of us can do with all of this? I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending you luck on your transfer day.

  12. Arwen Rose #
    October 4, 2012

    Am so sorry you’ve gone through all that on your own. I really hope that this is it for you. By the way I love your toast picture!

  13. October 4, 2012

    Those are some really great things my dear. It’s hard to stay positive all the time, but you are NOT setting yourself up to fail (not matter how you’re feeling). It is so maddeningly frustrating that we have so little control over everything, but keeping yourself happy is important. We love happy Belle. Well, we love you all the time, but I really want you to be happy. And, yes, while this cycle might fail, there’s also a really good chance that it will succeed. Fingers and toes are crossed!

  14. Q #
    October 4, 2012

    Could you maybe have him call you while you’re getting it done, so you feel less alone? Wishing you the best of luck!

  15. SRB #
    October 4, 2012

    I know you are scared to be alone for the transfer – don’t push it away, embrace it. Go back to your first paragraph. You are going with YOU, and you are strong. Take the YOU at the conservatory into the transfer with you.

    I’m excited and hopeful for you. Not just for the transfer, but for the transformation I see in progress. Enjoy the loving movement that yoga brings to you. 🙂

  16. October 4, 2012

    That is an excellent list of positives. This is going to work.

  17. October 5, 2012

    That sounds just like the right plan for you even though it will be tough to be on your own. Sorry about that. And the list of positives are great to focus on, they do help, don’t beat yourself up though if you feel the negative.

    I will return a comment someone posted to me a while ago that really helped: you don’t need to stay positive all the time, you don’t even have to have hope all the time, all you really need is the ability to go through the process, everything else is a bonus.

  18. Kathy #
    October 5, 2012

    Awesome list of positives ! My hubby always makes a list like that when one of us is feeling down. Corny as it might seem – it really works to raise the spirit. Good luck on the transfer ! Love the dedication to your furry friends too – they are lucky cats !

  19. October 5, 2012

    YES this will work! I’m sorry you are doing this alone but you are a strong woman and you will be a wonderful mother. Keep those positive thoughts and know that I am with you in spirit. xoxo

  20. October 5, 2012

    The yoga and conservatory sound fabulous, and while I totally get why going alone brings up fears (it would for me, too), it definitely is not an indicator of success. I REALLY REALLY have everything crossed for you this cycle, Belle.

  21. October 5, 2012

    I know that going it alone brings up bad memories, but this is a totally new situation. And it’s already off to such a good start. I hope you can enjoy the time to yourself, the yoga, and definitely the boots! Thinking of you.

  22. October 5, 2012

    I am so pulling for you! You have a right to be upset about being alone again. I had a good cry before my FET because I didn’t think my husband could/would take off work to be with me. After seeing that I needed him there, he made it happen. But there were plenty of times I went at it alone. It’s hard to feel like a single gal trying to have a baby when you aren’t.
    You are strong and are making the decision you need to make. Just take care of yourself and relax. I did nothing but that for two days and it was the best idea I ever had.
    Good luck!!!

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