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Today’s RFER was negative. I know I said I would use cheap tests, but I received so many cautionary tales of Target brand tests giving false positives that I decided to go all out and use RFERs. Hell, we have already spent more to make a baby than I spent on my three cars combined so why not spent a little more and buy reliable tests?

I started testing yesterday, knowing damn well that it would be negative. I had hoped I would have one of the fabled early positives today but no dice. I got my only BFP on 7dp5dt so reasonable Belle knows there is still lots of hope. Negative Nancy Belle is feeling like all hope is lost.

I am having exactly zero symptoms. The only thing that hurts is my ass from these damn shots. I’m tired and hungry but that is from the progesterone. I keep crying but that is just from all the emotional stress of the past two years.

Today is hard. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I had written a post about the day and our loss for my public Adventures in Marriage blog. I’m too scared to post it, though. I’m afraid of insensitive comments. I’m afraid my family will think I’m being dramatic (my mother has spent all 32 years of my life telling me that I’m over reacting). I’m afraid some people might say I deserve to not be a parent. I know none of these things are true, but that does not stop the feelings. It does not stop the fear. So I am protecting myself and choosing to stay silent on that blog.

Instead I’ll speak briefly here: To all my friends, readers, and loved ones who have lost a baby or child, you are in my thoughts every single day. Tonight I’ll light a candle for my child and a candle for all of yours. xoxo




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  1. infertilitycansuckit #
    October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you and your little one today. Big hugs to you!!

  2. October 15, 2012

    *big hugs, Belle*
    Family can be so trying and difficult at times. Thankfully we have the women in our bloggy world. Thinking of you.

  3. Shelley #
    October 15, 2012

    It’s still so so sooo early. And symptoms be damned. I don’t know if I still have anything growing in there but even still, I am feeling basically nothing. Thinking of you and your dear Pip today. And so sorry for the trauma of the Walk to Remember yesterday.

  4. babyfeat #
    October 15, 2012

    Belle, I’m sorry this has been such a painful year. Memory of your child will live on, but I wish for you that joy begins to fill each hour, each second of every day. Sending blessings and prayers to you and your child.

  5. October 15, 2012

    Thinking about you today!

  6. Vanessa #
    October 15, 2012

    Two more days, then! Keep hope alive for at least 48 hours longer… fingers crossed. And will definitely be remembering Pip this week. Hang in there.

  7. October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you and your loss Belle.

    It’s sad how others try to invalidate our feelings when being supportive is all we are needing to help us get past these emotions.

  8. October 15, 2012

    I’m sorry for the negative, Belle. As you know, it is early. I hope the tests pops positive in the next couple of days. Thinking of you.

  9. jak #
    October 15, 2012

    hang in there and keep the big goal in mind. it is super, super early, and while this might not turn out the way you wanted, it just might. you know you’re capable of becoming pregnant, it’s just a matter of time and patience before it happens again.

    best wishes……

  10. October 15, 2012

    You and Pip, and all the other women who have lost their children, are in my thoughts today. *hugs*

    P.S. I still have hope that you’ll be seeing a positive on those tests very soon!

  11. October 15, 2012

    hang in there, it’s early (as you know). my fingers are crossed.

    thinking of your sweet pip today with you. (())

  12. October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you. Please try to stay positive!

  13. October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you and your little one today and still holding on to hope that you will see your positive in a day or two.

  14. October 15, 2012

    No one will tell you that you don’t deserve to be a parent, even on your other blog. But I understand not putting that out there to possibly invite nastiness into your life. Blogging is so positive, but can also invite such nastiness (I do not understand that).

    Lots of hope for you! 5dp5dt has never yielded me a BFP, and twice I got the BFP 2 days later. I’m like you – I want to test at 5dp5dt but I won’t because I just KNOW how this works. As do you. KEEP THE HOPE! And if you can’t (I get it!), please know that I’m keeping the hope for you! I think of you every morning that I wake up, hoping that this is the one!

    Thinking of you and Angel Baby Belle today 🙂

  15. October 15, 2012

    Oh, Belle, I am so sorry for today. A negative test and a hard day.. it just seems to be too much. I hope you have extra toast and a lovely time with your kitties and find comfort in Mr. Husband.

  16. October 15, 2012

    I still have my fingers crossed for you!!!

  17. October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you Belle. Hoping one of the next few days is your day!

  18. October 15, 2012

    What a year you’ve had!

    We’re trying again in January and I am NOT looking forward to the 2WW. It makes you crazy and even the most rational of people can’t help but lose perspective.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  19. October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you. And keeping my fingers crossed.

  20. October 15, 2012

    Thinking of you and Pip today.

  21. October 15, 2012


  22. October 16, 2012

    Thinking about you a lot. Sending (((hugs)))

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