Today’s RFER was negative. I know I said I would use cheap tests, but I received so many cautionary tales of Target brand tests giving false positives that I decided to go all out and use RFERs. Hell, we have already spent more to make a baby than I spent on my three cars combined so why not spent a little more and buy reliable tests?
I started testing yesterday, knowing damn well that it would be negative. I had hoped I would have one of the fabled early positives today but no dice. I got my only BFP on 7dp5dt so reasonable Belle knows there is still lots of hope. Negative Nancy Belle is feeling like all hope is lost.
I am having exactly zero symptoms. The only thing that hurts is my ass from these damn shots. I’m tired and hungry but that is from the progesterone. I keep crying but that is just from all the emotional stress of the past two years.
Today is hard. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I had written a post about the day and our loss for my public Adventures in Marriage blog. I’m too scared to post it, though. I’m afraid of insensitive comments. I’m afraid my family will think I’m being dramatic (my mother has spent all 32 years of my life telling me that I’m over reacting). I’m afraid some people might say I deserve to not be a parent. I know none of these things are true, but that does not stop the feelings. It does not stop the fear. So I am protecting myself and choosing to stay silent on that blog.
Instead I’ll speak briefly here: To all my friends, readers, and loved ones who have lost a baby or child, you are in my thoughts every single day. Tonight I’ll light a candle for my child and a candle for all of yours. xoxo