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9dp5dt: This is where I fall apart



Last night I could not sleep. I did not feel like I’d been hit by a bus and that my legs could physically no longer carry me. I no longer felt pregnant.

I had the same experience when Pip died. I knew when it happened and tried so hard to ignore it.

Mr. Husband has been sleeping downstairs all week because he is sick with a cold and terrified of getting me sick. Last night he came up stairs and laid down with me to help me calm down. My cat, who sleeps upstairs with me, had a little spaz when he came upstairs (she loves him) and purred and drooled all over his beard. For the record, Yum Yum is 12 pounds of fur and about the size of my torso – she is a really big cat. Once he was sufficiently drooled all over she turned her attention to me and crawled onto my pillow and purred and drooled in my ear while making “biscuits” on my pillow and occasionally lightly caressing me with her paw. This was weird behavior you guys, and only made me freak out more – she knows the baby is dead.

Last night my acupuncturist said my pulse was a little bit slippery. The last pregnancy I had a strong slippery pulse. Does this mean the brief pregnancy is over?

And the icing on the freak out cake: This morning my pee stick is a bit lighter. It is from the same box as the last two tests so I know it is not a dye lot issue. I just feel, deep in my gut, that this is over before it barely began. I’m so terrified of another crushing blow and don’t know if I can handle it. Another failed cycle is hard enough. An early loss after two years of failure and one miscarriage? It might push me over the edge. There is not enough Prozac in the world.

I need some positive stories and encouragement if you truly believe all hope is not lost. Or if this is over, give me the straight poop.

5 more sleeps until Beta test.



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  1. October 19, 2012

    I am not sure anything I could say would help you not to worry right now. I hope the ladies who have been where you are have some encouraging stories. I am thinking about you and wishing nothing but the very best.

  2. October 19, 2012

    Please stay positive…I’m sure things are fine. Distract yourself!

  3. A #
    October 19, 2012

    It’s possible that your urine was just diluted a little more than yesterday. Maybe you drank a tiny bit more water last night before you went to bed. I’m sorry you have to go through this worry. I will send lots of positive thoughts your way.

  4. October 19, 2012

    Oh Belle, I’m so sorry you have this feeling. Wishing so hard that all is just fine and that it will prove you wrong! Maybe you could get an earlier beta test to be reasurred, since the new clinic know your history. Many hugs.

  5. October 19, 2012

    Cats and other animals act more like that when you are pregnant, I’ve seen it first hand! I think this is the PTSD rearing its head. You are at the stage where things may have felt wrong with Pip, so you’re flashing back. Deep breaths xo

    • October 19, 2012

      Danielle, you might be right. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow, hopefully she can help me through this. I’m so damn scared and cannot stop crying. It’s ruining a great eye make up day.

      • October 20, 2012

        Glad you’re feeling better, therapy works wonders for anxiety x

  6. infertilitycansuckit #
    October 19, 2012

    Oh, me! I have some encouraging stories! I’m an obsessive about peeing on things and in this pregnancy, I was peeing everyday (sometimes more, shamefully) and comparing the results. This time around between my beta draws, I would test and the sticks would sometimes appear lighter than the day before (usually if my pee was more diluted) I would then proceed to freak out for an entire day and convince myself it was the end. In reality, when I went in to see if my levels were doubling, they were!! And really quickly, like every 28 hours. I really think it’s a dilution issue. I will admit to STILL peeing on thing at 9 weeks (even though it means nothing at this point) and still having freak outs. I think we give those things too much credit for their scientific accuracy. Yesterday I peed on one every hour for 3 hours and got 3 different colors based on my pee concentration. In the opinion of a pee stick obsessive – right now your tests look fabulous!

    • October 19, 2012

      Thank you for this. I think I’m going to step away from the sticks for the weekend. They are only driving me crazy. I’ll find out soon enough waht’s actually happening in there. Thank you again for the encouragement. xoxo

  7. JB #
    October 19, 2012

    Hi Belle. I’m so sorry that you’re having a major freakout but I’ll try to offer some encouragement. Firstly, your lines are SUPER dark for 9dp5dt. Secondly, my lines actually got lighter too. I had to stop testing because I was freaking myself out. I had two REALLY dark tests at like 5pm one day and then only a squinter with FMU the next day. I was terrified. I was convinced that I was having another chemical pregnancy. Well, I’m still pregnant. At this point your lines are so dark that you can’t go by variations in lines. Is there any way you can go get your betas today?? Maybe that would help? The freakouts are horrible. They would leave me short of breath and crying (ok, sobbing) into my pillow. They don’t really go away but try to believe that every pregnancy is different. Just because something happened when you lost Pip doesn’t mean you’ll lose this one too. I know that’s so hard to believe and I can only believe it now because I’m past when I lost my Malachi, trust me it’s really hard. Thinking of you today.

    • October 19, 2012

      Thank you! (big hug) I need success stories like a junkie needs her next fix 🙂
      I am not able to make it to a draw today, sadly, however I might call and see if they can move the draw up to Monday. I just don’t know though. I’m sure there is a reason they make you wait a full 14 days after a 5dt. I think I’m going to eat a cupcake to make myself feel better.

  8. tchrgrl05 #
    October 19, 2012

    I posted once and my whole comment got deleted 😦 poo. I’ll try to make this comment shorter. I’m sorry you’re having a major freakout. I can’t say they get too much better. I remember freakouts leaving me short of breath, sobbing into my pillow. BUT here’s the good news. I think your lines look amazing for 9dp5dt. Secondly, my tests got lighter. I tested at 5pm and got two REALLY dark tests, like seriously dark. The next morning I tested with FMU and got a squinter. I freaked out. I was convinced I was going to have another chemical pregnancy. But I’m still pregnant. I stopped peeing on sticks because I promised hubs I would. I didn’t belive my pregnancy was real until, well, until about 20 weeks. Just because some symptom happened with Pip doesn’t mean that it forebodes something bad to happen to these embryos. Try to believe that 😦 I had a backache with my loss and was convinced that the same backache this time meant I was losing this baby too. You’re in my thoughts.

  9. October 19, 2012

    I had the same thought as Danielle. I think animals become MORE attentive when their human is pregnant. I’ve seen it happen with our little Maggie. She’s constantly curling up by me now, usually by my belly.

    I also had the same pee stick freak-out early on. I think it was around 11 or 12 dpo, and my morning pee stick was lighter than the previous evening’s. PLUS, I started having brown spotting. I was absolutely convinced that it was over. But it wasn’t. My betas are still rising nicely and baby is still in there, safe and sound.

    For your own peace of mind, could you request an earlier beta? Perhaps if your clinic knows that you’ve already tested positive on a pee stick, they’ll be willing to move it up for you. And perhaps it might be best to step away from the pee sticks. I had to force myself to stop testing because I was causing myself needless anxiety, analyzing those lines obsessively.

    Hang in there, Belle. Hope is not lost. *hugs*

  10. October 19, 2012

    1. It’s time to stop peeing if it’s driving you mad. 2. Why on earth do they make you wait so long for a beta??! 3. Pregnancy symptoms come and go. 4. Enjoy the BFP for as long as you can and let yourself believe that good things can happen.

  11. KW #
    October 19, 2012

    I know that feeling all too well…but it has been wrong with me before. Can you call your clinic or even your OBGYN and get a beta today? This stress is not good for you!!

  12. Ginny #
    October 19, 2012

    Oh Belle…………………I am so sorry you are in pain over this. I agree that you need to stop peeing for now. Anxiety is NOT going to help you in any way, either with an early pregnancy or otherwise. Breathe, meditate and see your therapist. Tell your husband you need him more than ever. And, I am still believing and hoping for you! xxoo

  13. October 19, 2012

    First, do a deep breathing exercise. (Go on, do it!) Next, get on the phone with your clinic and ever so politely demand that your beta be done immediately, if not sooner. Once that’s arranged, go throw away those pee sticks. You’ve gotten what you want from them, and anything further is just causing unnecessary anxiety. Lastly, go snuggle up with that smart Big Fry (who knows you are pregnant and is salivating at the thought… or smell? of it). Oh, and fix that eye makeup and go out and celebrate with The Professor! Hope is NOT lost! Believe it!
    (Sorry for the commanding tone of this comment… It’s meant in the nicest possible way).

  14. Shelley #
    October 19, 2012

    No way do I think all hope is lost, not even a little, okay? First off, cats are weird all the time. Second, if I’m being hypercritical, my 10dpt test is a bit darker than my 11 dpt test, it’s pretty obvious now but I didn’t let myself get hung up on it at the time (I can send you the pics for comparison if you want). Finally, I think you’re way too early to feel symptoms lighten. I didn’t really feel any symptoms at all until yesterday when my beta was already sky high. I’ve also heard all sorts of things about acupuncturists feeling one thing or another in ppl’s pulses that turn out to be off. All this is not to undermine your intuition. But I also think we have a tendency to assume the worst after a loss.

    In short, I still have hope.

  15. October 19, 2012

    Okay – first off, breathe. I know how scary this is, and can understand you freaking out, but try to slow down and breathe. My tests stalled out at about the same time, and I’ve seen it happen to a lot of other women too – but things turned out to be okay. At that point I started testing every other day, and even then the progression seemed slow – and that was with twins! Also, today’s test looks like the line has a break in it or something, which makes it appear lighter – but I don’t think it is, at least, it doesn’t look like it to me. How long had it dried when you took the picture? They really do darken with time, so if you compare them too early, the most recent will appear lighter. (I know way too much about FRERs!) Remember, those tests are there to tell you whether or not you are pregnant, not how pregnant you are. They aren’t the most scientific things in the world. Also, I can’t count the number of times during this pregnancy that I’ve been convinced that there was no way the babies were still okay in there, only to have a Doppler or ultrasound prove me wrong. I’ve decided it comes with the territory of being pregnant after IF/loss. In fact, I remember one Saturday morning in particular, just before our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, where I was bawling and having a breakdown – convinced that we were going to get bad news that week and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

    I can’t believe you have to wait so long for your beta! Can you call your REs office and maybe they’ll have mercy on you? It can’t hurt to ask. As for the slippery pulse – maybe your pulse gets slippery when you’re pregnant – I wouldn’t take that to mean you’ve lost the baby again. I know it’s so hard, but do your best to stay positive – if anything it will help keep you from spiraling downward with your thoughts. As far as you know – you’re pregnant, so keep telling yourself – I’m pregnant.

    Hang in there Belle! (hugs)

    • October 19, 2012

      Sheesh – sorry for the epic reply! :/

  16. Lee #
    October 19, 2012

    My test strips, all from the same batch, got lighter… and I FREAKED… over nothing. I’m 23 weeks now (also after a miscarriage.) There are no guarantees but the crazy IF brain is a lot stronger than any subtle signals your body could ever send. Try and relax that brain, girl!

  17. October 19, 2012

    Hi, Belle,

    I am not lying here. When I was pregnant with Matthew, there was one stick that was lighter than the morning before. It worried me a lot – it happened after my beta. Turns out that I had two embryos implant, and one fizzled out. The timing for this was spot on with when the doctor thought things fizzled with embryo #2. I’m not saying that that’s necessarily what’s going on, but I did have a lighter test after beta and I truly believe that is why.

    Things are not over. Things are likely going very well in there. I think your beta is going to be fine.

    Let’s see what tomorrow brings. If it’s the same or darker, then no problem! If it’s lighter still, call the RE and insist on a beta. The real problem here is that you need that first beta so you can sort out what’s going on with the second beta. If it’s lighter tomorrow at 10dp5dt, I’d call for the beta. They beta’d me at 10dp5dt with Matthew – so it’s not too early. Insist on it. If they won’t do it, call your OB and ask them to do it.

    Hang in there. I really think it’s going to be OK. Those tests can be wonky – that’s all there is to it.

  18. October 19, 2012

    I’m sorry that you’re upset. I’d say step away from the pee sticks, but I imagine that would be just as hard. I think some nice long walks and yoga and stretching and toast is needed. Try to remember that the only thing you can do is take care of you right now, and focus on keeping yourself healthy.

    I don’t think a slightly lighter line means anything. Like others said, your urine could just be more dilute. That test is not quantitative (no number value), just a yes or no. And, it’s still a clear, very clear yes!

  19. Amy #
    October 19, 2012

    Hang in there, Belle. I hope that it is only the normal fluctuation of symptoms, but I know that it is impossible not to worry and freak out. I wish I could say that I know everything will be fine, but that would really make me an asshole. All I can say for sure is that no matter what happens, you CAN handle it. I hope you only get a perfectly boring nine months to come, but if not, we are here for you, and you WILL be able to weather whatever may come. I hope you are able to find some peace here and there over the next several days – do not beat yourself up for worrying. What you are feeling is normal, normal, normal! Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel as good as you can right now – we’re abiding with you.

  20. October 19, 2012

    Sending you so much love and many, many positive thoughts and prayers, Belle. I wish I could give you a hug in real life, but I am sending you lots of cyber-hugs.

  21. 35life #
    October 19, 2012

    Oh no. No. Please hold on. While I can’t speak from personal experience, everyone tells me that each pregnancy can be completely different from one another. Please don’t think this one will be the same as before. Fingers crossed!

  22. October 19, 2012

    All hope is not lost! So many things could effect the darkness of that second line. This may be a stupid question, but since you have already gotten a BFP would they move up your beta date to give you a better idea?

  23. Vanessa #
    October 19, 2012

    I agree with Courtney; if you’re getting a second line on an HPT, you deserve to have your beta drawn NOW. Something is obviously going on (hopefully a good thing), so they should start monitoring it asap. And yes, it sounds from these comments like a *slightly* fading line really isn’t anything to worry about yet. At the absolute worst, it *might* mean that one of the embryos didn’t make it, but there’s just no way of knowing. I also think you should ignore your acupuncturist’s pulse interpretations at this point… mine told me pulse needed to be “juicier”. Like, what am I supposed to do with that information? 🙂 Hang in there… try to distract yourself a bit, and try to wait another two or three days before peeing again.

  24. October 19, 2012

    Two lines is two lines. Keep breathing and distracting yourself. I’m sending you peace and calmness today.

  25. October 19, 2012

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way! After what you went through with Pip I don’t blame you for feeling worried. But this is an entirely different cycle, different embryos, and SUPER strong lines from early on, which usually is a great indicator of strong betas! Have faith in that, and as hard as it is, just trust that things will work out exactly as they are meant to. You ARE pregnant. Your lines ARE great. The most recent test looks to me to have a little ink blip in the middle which looks more like a test quirk than something to do with beta numbers. I agree that distracting yourself is a good idea, and turning away from the sticks is a good idea too. And I also want to chime in they should do a beta soon for you- not sure why they are waiting so long? The doubling of the numbers is the truest way to monitor things. I am sending you big virtual hugs!

  26. October 19, 2012

    Belle, remember the podcast where Rebecca, Shelley and I talk about pee sticks? How they can vary? How they really are only qualitative tests? A line is a line and they can vary each day. The blood draws are really the only way to get numbers. So, breathe. There is no indicator that anything is wrong. If nothing else, I think Yum Yum is making biscuits because she can sense Belle is pregnant (here, let me make that softer for you).

    Spend today focusing on you. And if you can, try to connect with the bean that is growing inside you. He/she needs some love from you and I think wants to communicate back. I know this is hard to do (this period is a hard one), but I know you can do it.

    Much love, my friend.

    • October 19, 2012

      Christy you have this amazing ability to calm me down. I do wish I could bottle your calming and take a sip every time I freakout 🙂 Yes, I do remember that episode and thought about it today while freaking, but the freak still happened. And your comment about Yum Yum trying to make it softer totally had me in tears. I’m a sucker for a cute cat when not hormonal, when hormonal I’ll cry at anything with four legs and a fuzzy face!

      In your opinion, should I request an earlier beta? It feels wrong to question my doctors orders but… (Also, I have a ridiculous cold and am currently breathing through my mouth and dealing with a very sore throat).

  27. Lee #
    October 19, 2012

    Sending you strength and peace.

  28. whatrhymeswithinfertile #
    October 19, 2012

    How you are feeling is completely normal. I lost my first pregnancy as well and when I got pregnant the second time I was totally freaked throughout the first trimester. The anticipation for the first ultrasound was the worst for me. I bawled for an hour before I went to the doc just knowing I was going to have the same results as the first time! I think you are going to freak when you are pregnant after a loss no matter what! Oh yeah, and with my second PG, I started having tummy cramps and left work early crying and praying the whole way home convinced I was miscarrying again, and it just turned out to be constipation! I want to tell you to try not to worry, but I know that is impossible. But I agree that you should call Dr. B and ask for a Beta now. It will ease your mind a little.

  29. Juno #
    October 19, 2012

    Belle, big deep breaths. Big deep breaths. Those lines are great. I know the fear but don’t forget that urine varies Nd even same box frer’s vary. I’ve had thick control and squiggly control lines out of same box many times. Also you transferred 2. Weird things happen with two embies. Not that I think that there is anything weird. Those tests are just beautiful. All I can say is please don’t give up. Like someone wrote above, you know anxiety and all the ways it manifests itself into ugliness. I’m thinking about you!!! Xoxo

  30. October 19, 2012

    Don’t worry belle. I think we all have the “it’s over” feeling. Unfortunately last time you were right, so of course you are going to panic. At about this same time my pee sticks started not getting any darker and if I over analyzed I swore they were lighter. (Also frers from same batch). I even posted them and freaked out – so I’m sure if you check my mid feb posts you will see them. About that time I stopped testing and decided to just wait for beta. I knew no matter what I’d keep getting positives at that point and would just start analyzing lines and freak myself out. Your mini belle/professor will be just fine. Countdown is on until beta.

  31. October 19, 2012

    If you can, stop peeing on sticks! There is nothing that you can do between today and your beta so stop making yourself crazy. Just have the Professor give you lots of hugs and back rubs and try to keep yourself busy until the beta.

  32. karaleen #
    October 19, 2012

    Oh my….I freaked out sooo much. My damn symptoms would come and go like waiters in a kitchen. One moment sore boobs and tired…the next minute NOTHING…cue..freakout…and then just as I was ready to stop all meds and throw in the towel…wave of nausea and extreme fatigue….pregnancy is freaky. Hang in there…a line is a line and they are still really nice and dark for 9dp5dt!!!

  33. jak #
    October 19, 2012


    obviously you are very afraid of losing this and i’m really sorry that things have happened to you that make it that way. but what’s going to happen or not going to happen is going to happen whether you worry about it and incessantly pee on things or not. do your best to be good to yourself and let whatever happens happen.

    i’m hopeful for you either way:)

  34. L #
    October 19, 2012

    Belle, I read your blogs often. I know how scary it is right now, but you are just being hard on yourself. Today you freaked out because you don’t feel anything, tomorrow, you might because you don’t have morning sickness. Every pregnancy is different and as the box with the sticks say “Any line is a positive”. The darkness indicates nothing. Hang in there. The baby is safe and sound.. You are doing perfect.

  35. Kerstin #
    October 19, 2012

    My lines did not get darker, three days in a row. Once they even got lighter. And they weren’t even very dark in the first place, nothing compared to the conrol line. That worried me so so much. What helped me through this was buying another brand and getting a big fat dark line. I never turned back to my original brand. (Not true, actually I peed on one of them two weeks ago, and it was still quite light. Screw you, peestick!)
    I live in Germany, and they are not doing betas here. I had to wait for my first ultrasound in week 6 to finally be relieved, and I was so prepared that things got wrong. Boobs no longer sore, and an overall feeling of not being pregnant any more.
    Well, I was wrong: while writing this, the lines are kicking up a storm in my belly, ready to be born in a few days.

  36. October 19, 2012

    Past a certain level of HcG I don’t think the tests are that sensitive. I definitely think you are done peeing! Now it’s time for betas and such. (Or do a digital so you can read the words.) You are always going to worry, but try not to let the worry be dictated by stupid pee sticks.

  37. October 19, 2012

    I too think it might be time to stop POAS. Or at least cut back to every 2-3 days.
    As for stories of hope- I had a FRER appear lighter than the test the previous morning and totally freaked out. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant with a little one who is currently kicking me in the bellybutton, so don’t let the FRER freak you out too much okay?
    Is there any possibility of calling your RE to go in for beta today? I would highly recommend at least attempting to get them to do it sooner as it will give you more peace of mind than POAS ever will. ((hugs))

  38. B #
    October 19, 2012

    I too think it might be time to stop POAS. Or at least cut back to every 2-3 days.
    As for stories of hope- I had a FRER appear lighter than the test the previous morning and totally freaked out. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant with a little one who is currently kicking me in the bellybutton, so don’t let the FRER freak you out too much okay?
    Is there any possibility of calling your RE to go in for beta today? I would highly recommend at least attempting to get them to do it sooner as it will give you more peace of mind than POAS ever will. ((hugs))

  39. Britt #
    October 19, 2012

    Oh, I have been exactly where you are and can totally sympathize – the waiting and scrutinizing is agonizing! The other commenters have said it all, but I’ll say it again – a BFP is a BFP is a BFP! Concentrations change, lines can get fainter, tests get darker as they dry and your lines are very strong for this stage!! Do whatever you need to do to resist peeing on things and demand an asap Beta from your RE. Isn’t it standard to do a blood draw as soon as you get a positive HPT??

    As for stories of hope – after 3 miscarriages, when my preg #4 test lines stopped darkening and I still had no symptoms, I promptly freaked the freak out. Long story short, I ended up with beautiful twin boys, but wasn’t able to really believe it would stick until we started telling ppl at 18 wks. There are so many women who’ve been in your situation and had success – obviously that won’t make you completely relax, but hopefully knowing that you’re not alone (and reaching out whenever you need a pep talk) can help ease the stress.

    PS – we went to high school together and Katie T told me about your blog and I’ve been following along and rooting for you ever since! We have many (downright creepy) similarities – if the math professor husband, love of photography and sewing, fluffy orange kitty (though my Pi recently passed away) weren’t enough, I also have a caribbean blue Le Creuset – crazy! 😉

    • October 19, 2012

      Hey lady! I do remember you and Katie had mentioned your journey in passing before. I can’t tell you how much it means that you A.) made it to the other side; B.) took time to comment and encourage me and C.) read this blog of “Woe My Uterus is Empty!” I did call my RE this afternoon about what to take for my cold and then casually mentioned if I could please for the love of all things holy have an earlier beta test. She said sure and to get it drawn first thing Monday morning. Had I known I could just go in any time I would have been at the lab Wednesday morning! Thanks again for your encouragement and for following along and really big congrats on your sweet boys!

      Oh, and math professor husbands are the best and in my humble opinion Caribbean blue is the best color Le Creuset has ever released!

  40. October 19, 2012

    Stay positive. You don’t know til beta. I read that you got your beta moved up… good news! Thinking of you!!

  41. Cammy #
    October 19, 2012

    My lines did the same thing so I bought the digital ones so that I would STOP obessessing over the lines. Just had an ultrasound yesterday and baby was busy in my womb! I am three months and so don’t worry about the lines. Good luck….will continue to check up on you on here. 🙂

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