Last night I could not sleep. I did not feel like I’d been hit by a bus and that my legs could physically no longer carry me. I no longer felt pregnant.
I had the same experience when Pip died. I knew when it happened and tried so hard to ignore it.
Mr. Husband has been sleeping downstairs all week because he is sick with a cold and terrified of getting me sick. Last night he came up stairs and laid down with me to help me calm down. My cat, who sleeps upstairs with me, had a little spaz when he came upstairs (she loves him) and purred and drooled all over his beard. For the record, Yum Yum is 12 pounds of fur and about the size of my torso – she is a really big cat. Once he was sufficiently drooled all over she turned her attention to me and crawled onto my pillow and purred and drooled in my ear while making “biscuits” on my pillow and occasionally lightly caressing me with her paw. This was weird behavior you guys, and only made me freak out more – she knows the baby is dead.
Last night my acupuncturist said my pulse was a little bit slippery. The last pregnancy I had a strong slippery pulse. Does this mean the brief pregnancy is over?
And the icing on the freak out cake: This morning my pee stick is a bit lighter. It is from the same box as the last two tests so I know it is not a dye lot issue. I just feel, deep in my gut, that this is over before it barely began. I’m so terrified of another crushing blow and don’t know if I can handle it. Another failed cycle is hard enough. An early loss after two years of failure and one miscarriage? It might push me over the edge. There is not enough Prozac in the world.
I need some positive stories and encouragement if you truly believe all hope is not lost. Or if this is over, give me the straight poop.
5 more sleeps until Beta test.