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A Walk

10/20/2012

Belle

Lexington Cemetery, October 2012

When a loved one dies you are left with a body to bury or ashes to spread. In early miscarriage you are left with nothing more than haunting memories. There is nothing to bury, no tangible way to put the child to rest. This has really bothered me. No matter what I did – be it repress, cry or yell – I could not bury my child.

It is because of this that I have struggled to find closure. I can’t find peace and I can’t move on. Every day is consumed with lingering memories of  losing a child and the fear of losing another.

With this in mind, I sought out to find the perfect place to take my Walk and let Pip go. I needed somewhere beautiful, peaceful and with history. Hastily, I turned left on to Harrodsburg Road and headed the 25 miles out-of-town to Shaker Village.

I love Shaker Village. It is one of the first places I explored before moving here and one of the few places I’ll return to after we leave. It is beautiful, full of nature and brimming with living history. Where better to take my Pip?

There are tons of trails I have yet to explore at Shaker Village. Today I parked the car and just started down a road. Eventually the road lead to gentle, gravel walking path that meandered by the village and over rolling pasture. For part of the walk the trail was flanked on both sides by carefully built stone walls. It felt safe and peaceful. The air was a crisp 50 degrees with soft gray skies  overhead and bright red and orange fall foliage.

As I walked, I thought about my baby. I thought about what could have been, and what was. I told sweet Pip how much he was loved. I told him it was unfair that I keep these memories buried deep within me. It was unfair to him, myself and his future siblings that I harbor so much resentment and guilt. I told him it was time I set him free.

Then I let it go. I let all the thoughts enter my mind, roll around and then let them pass. The path forked and I thoughtlessly veered left, finding myself in the middle of a meadow that was, quite literally, alive with hundreds of tiny song birds. Black capped chickadees, cardinals, finches, sparrows, and a tiny woodpecker. All these tiny birds, chirping and flitting around, enjoying the perfect morning.

I am not a religious person and before today I could only claim one divine experience that left me questioning my lack of belief. Now I have two. I had my camera but did not take photos. Instead I sat in the middle of the path and gazed around in wonder. I closed my eyes and listened. I soaked up as much of this new memory as possible to fill the void that Pip left.

Eventually I got up and walked to the end of the trail where I said a final goodbye and then turned around. Back though the meadow, which was now strangely quiet, back through the cozy stonewall-lined hills, back through the village and finally to my car.

 

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13 Comments

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  1. October 20, 2012

    Beautiful. Pip knows how much you love him.

  2. October 20, 2012

    Such a powerful experience. I also am not religious, but shook my head in agreement that this was a divine experience.

    You have me pulled over in tears. Thank you for sharing this, Belle.

  3. October 20, 2012

    Very beautiful and powerful. Thank you for sharing this idea.

  4. October 20, 2012

    That you for taking us with you on your walk.
    You are a strong and smart lady, Belle, don’t ever forget that.

  5. October 20, 2012

    Beautiful Belle. Thank you for sharing. I didn’t know you were doing this till I got caught up today. I find it funny and perfect that I actually woke up this morning thinking about Pip and so many other beautiful little ones. I am not allowed to walk, but you and so many others are in my thoughts today. When I am allowed, I will walk to my special place for all of them.

  6. October 20, 2012

    How beautiful. I thank God for giving you those beautiful birds. Thank you for sharing.

  7. October 20, 2012

    A very beautiful walk of remembrance.

  8. October 20, 2012

    What a beautiful walk. From what you describe, it sounds like someone is watching over you during this difficult time.

  9. October 21, 2012

    What a perfect way to properly say goodbye to your Pip. I am so glad you took the time to do this for your baby and for you. I have had a couple of experiences like this in my life and they have always left me in a better place than I was before. Keep doing things to remember and honor your Pip and I know you will bring more and more peace as the days move forward.

  10. October 21, 2012

    Thanks for sharing your walk with Pip! I think you said goodbye in a very profound and beautiful way. I am so glad you are finding peace.

  11. October 22, 2012

    Sounds like a perfect walk to remember Pip- much better for your sanity than the actual walk.

  12. October 25, 2012

    Thank you for this.

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