When a loved one dies you are left with a body to bury or ashes to spread. In early miscarriage you are left with nothing more than haunting memories. There is nothing to bury, no tangible way to put the child to rest. This has really bothered me. No matter what I did – be it repress, cry or yell – I could not bury my child.
It is because of this that I have struggled to find closure. I can’t find peace and I can’t move on. Every day is consumed with lingering memories of losing a child and the fear of losing another.
With this in mind, I sought out to find the perfect place to take my Walk and let Pip go. I needed somewhere beautiful, peaceful and with history. Hastily, I turned left on to Harrodsburg Road and headed the 25 miles out-of-town to Shaker Village.
I love Shaker Village. It is one of the first places I explored before moving here and one of the few places I’ll return to after we leave. It is beautiful, full of nature and brimming with living history. Where better to take my Pip?
There are tons of trails I have yet to explore at Shaker Village. Today I parked the car and just started down a road. Eventually the road lead to gentle, gravel walking path that meandered by the village and over rolling pasture. For part of the walk the trail was flanked on both sides by carefully built stone walls. It felt safe and peaceful. The air was a crisp 50 degrees with soft gray skies overhead and bright red and orange fall foliage.
As I walked, I thought about my baby. I thought about what could have been, and what was. I told sweet Pip how much he was loved. I told him it was unfair that I keep these memories buried deep within me. It was unfair to him, myself and his future siblings that I harbor so much resentment and guilt. I told him it was time I set him free.
Then I let it go. I let all the thoughts enter my mind, roll around and then let them pass. The path forked and I thoughtlessly veered left, finding myself in the middle of a meadow that was, quite literally, alive with hundreds of tiny song birds. Black capped chickadees, cardinals, finches, sparrows, and a tiny woodpecker. All these tiny birds, chirping and flitting around, enjoying the perfect morning.
I am not a religious person and before today I could only claim one divine experience that left me questioning my lack of belief. Now I have two. I had my camera but did not take photos. Instead I sat in the middle of the path and gazed around in wonder. I closed my eyes and listened. I soaked up as much of this new memory as possible to fill the void that Pip left.
Eventually I got up and walked to the end of the trail where I said a final goodbye and then turned around. Back though the meadow, which was now strangely quiet, back through the cozy stonewall-lined hills, back through the village and finally to my car.