WARNING: Poop talk!
Yeah, I know this is not possible. I’m well aware of how all of this works and that pooping too hard won’t kill your baby. However, the PTSD in me argues otherwise and since my BFP I have not been able to have a fulfilling “movement.”
I have spent my entire life dealing with constipation. The slightest change in my diet or environment can leave me backed up for days. Treated myself to a lush dinner and cupcake? Constipated. Stayed over night in a hotel for one night? Constipated. Didn’t walk for a few days due to a cold? Constipated. Looked at the toilet the wrong way? Constipated! Ok, that last one is an exaggeration, sort of.
Poo and I have a long, complicated relationship. Pooping got a little easier when I was finally diagnosed with a dairy allergy. It got even better when I learned about Colace and then became FUCKING AMAZING when my proctologist (yes! I have one of those doctors, too! GO BELLE!) introduced me to Miralax.
Then infertility came and along with it came synthetic progesterone. Sometimes I’ll go three and four days without pooping. It hurts. It makes me grumpy. And it makes me worry about lovely things like colon cancer.
During my last pregnancy double constipation hit. I say double constipation because I was already stopped up from the progesterone. Then add in pregnancy and it seems someone sent a cease and desist letter to my intestines. The morning after my 6 week ultrasound I decided to force something to happen and spent a good while on the toilet, um, squeezing. I finally pooped and felt better.
Then a few hours later I started to spot and then bleed. In my little brain pooping to hard = bleeding. Six days later I learned my baby had died.
Pooping = dead baby.
I know this is not true. Pip had Trisomy 15 and was not going to make it no matter how hard I pooped but the fear still lingers and today I’m terrified to poop.
I am working hard to enjoy this second chance at a child. I want nothing more than to relish in every glorious day of my pregnancy and live like a fertile – without fear. That said the fear is there and, honestly, it is really starting to affect my bathroom time. I’m scared to push. I’m scared to poop. I get these waves of panic when I go to the bathroom. For hours after I do poop I am terrified of blood.
I’m not really sure what to do about all this. I am trying to acknowledge the fear and let it go, but it is not working. I’m trying to remind myself that it is physically impossible to poop out a baby, but I still panic. I am trying to relax and think peaceful thoughts when I go to the bathroom but nothing works. My mind always goes back to the dead baby on the screen and my first thought that I pooped so hard I killed my child.
For what it’s worth: I don’t expect anyone to have a solution to this issue. I am well aware it is all in my head and that it is probably something I should bring up with my therapist at my next appointment. Until then, I’m seriously considering getting one of those contraptions that converts your toilet to a squatting potty in hopes of making it easier to poo without any straining. I wonder how the Professor will react to this…. that man is a saint.