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One more sleep



I really don’t have anything positive to say. Tomorrow is the ultrasound and I’m filled with anxiety and dread. All the zen I was feeling at the beginning of this has been replaced with fear of the worst. See, November is not a good month in my family. To Novembers ago my eyes were sort of about to fall out from a massive uveitis flair. We made two trips to the ER and over the course of the next 12 months spent $5,000 in copays, medications, and tests that were NOT related to infertility. It sucked.

Last November both the Professor and my brother ended up in separate emergency rooms on the same day. The Professor had been in a bike wreck and was thankfully ok aside from the biggest hematoma I have ever seen. It was seriously larger than the head of a newborn. Creepy. My brother was gravely ill and proceeded to spend the next 26 days in the hospital, a week of which was in the ICU. He nearly died.

This year is supposed to be our good November. I desperately want it to be a good November. On the eve of my ultrasound, though, I really don’t know if it will. Another dead baby or uncertain pregnancy will not a jolly November make.

All my friends and the Professor insist this is “the one.” They all say, with great joy, that they “have a feeling! This is it! My feelings are never wrong!” The problem is that they all said that the last time, too. So I put exactly zero stock in what other people feel.

The only thing I know for sure is that I felt total dread and uncertainty about the last pregnancy, and am feeling that way again. There are only three ways this can go: I’m wrong and make a great healthy baby with the proper number of chromosomes;  I’m right and tomorrow we’ll find an empty sack or dead baby; or tomorrow’s ultrasound will be “uncertain” meaning I’ll have more weeks of anguish.

25 hours and 46 minutes until we find out. It’s going to be a long day.



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  1. babyfeat #
    November 5, 2012

    It must be incredibly scary for you, but I am hoping soon your fears will be gone and you will be filled beyond joy

  2. Jen #
    November 5, 2012

    Belle, I had a dream last night that you and I were both at our parents’ high school reunion (strange, I know). I didn’t know you were going to be there, but you found me and told me everything went perfectly at your ultrasound. We hugged and cried about how happy we were to be pregnant at the same time. Then we gorged ourselves at the buffet. It was awesome.

    Obviously, I’m thinking about you (my first blog friend dream!) and I’m rooting for this little one. Wish I was there in person to REALLY give you a hug tomorrow, either way, but alas, I’m sending virtual hugs galore. Good luck!

    • November 5, 2012

      Well I’m definitely hormonal. This has me in tears at my desk! Thank you for thinking of me and sharing your dream. I was actually thinking how grand it would be to finally be pregnant with a blog friend who actually lives close enough we could go to dinner from time to time. Maybe I’ll get lucky.

  3. November 5, 2012

    Sending many many hugs that these next hours fly by and you have some awesome news to share at the end of it. Hugs to you.

  4. November 5, 2012

    It’s hard when people say “I have a feeling” whichever way. I used to get SO IRRITATED when people told me they had a feeling about my pregnancy, no matter what – like which genders, or how long we would go, or that some anxiety I had was unfounded. How can THEY have a feeling about what’s going on in MY body??

    Anyway, I hope the next 25+ hours goes by quickly!!!

  5. November 5, 2012

    I get it – and I expect noyhing positive from you because I feel the same way about my ultrasound later this week. I do think, though, that we’ll both get good news. It’s just really hard to believe.

    I hate when people say they have a feeling. My mother is one of those. Every cycle is “the one, I can just feel it” and she’s “felt” that every single one of my sisters’ and my pregnancies would result in twins. She’s always so wrong (4 cycles, 1 live child and maybe another live embryo in there and no twins for her out of 7 pregnancies so far). Some people’s comments like that don’t bother me because they’re really being sincere, but the people who say it every time irritate me.

    I am looking forward to tomorrow for you. I do think you’ll get great news! Your betas were too high for an empty sac!

  6. November 5, 2012

    I won’t tell you not to worry because I know you will anyway, but I will tell you that I am praying for you, the professor, and your little one. I can’t tell you how happy I was to see that positive test because I have been hoping and praying for you guys ever since I found your blog. I know the next 25+ hours are going to drag by, but eventually they WILL be over! I promise!
    Also, maybe I should go buy a Diva Cup, that appears to be the lucky thing to do 😉

  7. November 5, 2012

    Hopefully the time goes by fast for you.

  8. November 5, 2012

    Hang in there, Belle. I hope this will become the best November ever for you!

  9. November 5, 2012

    I understand the worry and I know that telling you not to, that everything is going to be ok, blah, blah, blah, won’t make a bit of difference in how you feel. Nothing will ease the fear until you see that little heart beating, healthy and strong.

    I hope the next 24 hours go quickly for you. I’m sending you and baby lots of positive thoughts. *hugs*

  10. November 5, 2012

    I felt the same way going into our 1st ultrasound… and 2nd, and 3rd….and now at 37 weeks pregnant I still freak out if I haven’t felt the baby move in a couple hours. Welcome to motherhood! it is hard not to get anxious. If I can say any words of reassurance, it is that your betas have been AWESOME, and that usually indicates a very healthy, feisty little bean cooking away in there (as was the case for us). I am going to send you some great November vibes- I have always loved this month, and sincerely hope tomorrow’s ultrasound helps start turning around your November associations! : )

  11. November 5, 2012

    I don’t know if this will give you any comfort or not, but just about every pregnant woman I’ve talked to, even ones who have never had a loss, feel a sense of dread and worry the day before their ultrasounds. So, while it’s really unpleasant and even more scary for you as you have bad memories haunting you, it is normal to feel that way. I had a really hard time at the beginning of this pregnancy because it was timed almost exactly two years to the day of my first pregnancy which turned out to be a tubal. That first ultrasound was scary as all get out because I’d only ever had tragic ultrasounds in the past. When I found out that everything was okay, the best feeling washed over me – such a sense of relief and joy. I also think you’re going to get good news tomorrow and I hope you get to feel that wonderful sense of relief as the image of your healthy little one(s) comes up on the screen! Good luck tomorrow!

  12. November 5, 2012

    Sending you lots of luck! I tend to read your posts and not comment much BUT I do have my cheer leading pom poms out for you and the babies. Fill the void of dread and darkness with yellow flowers x

  13. November 5, 2012

    Hang in there, Belle. Hoping for you. Sending love.

  14. November 5, 2012

    Hoping all goes well

  15. November 5, 2012

    I hope today flies by for you. Can you do something to keep yourself busy? Put on a happy music station on Pandora and sing along to the songs, maybe try to meditate, or engross yourself in a good book.

  16. jak #
    November 5, 2012

    maybe this is stupid advice, i dont know, and perhaps it is cold and scientific, which some people hate, but this is what my grandmother taught me to apply to everything in life – try to just live, just keep moving forward. things are what they are, whether that is good or bad. as long as you are doing the things you should be doing (eating alright, taking your vitamins, getting enough sleep, and not drinking paint remover or getting new tatoos) then there is nothing you can do or have done that can alter the path things take. i have an u/s tomorrow also. i am just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other until then and hope you will too:)

  17. November 5, 2012

    you definately need/deserve a good november! Praying for you as you wait and that all goes well tomorrow!

  18. November 5, 2012

    Hang in there lady!! My fingers and toes are double crossed for you. Yes, even the broken ones 🙂

  19. faith #
    November 5, 2012

    Ever since you posted that awesome quote from Michael J. Fox about not worrying..I have passed it along. Read it again and again and again…worrying is not going to do anything except make you feel like shit. If something bad happens you will feel like shit then..if something awesome happens you will have wasted energy and health on worrying for no reason. I really have been trying to remember that really helps and he is one guy who knows. So…thanks for sharing that and why don’t you use it as your mantra for the next 25 hours..oh..and maybe go shopping, too!! Praying and sending love your way!

  20. November 5, 2012

    Hold tight belle, just one more day. Just remember the gazillions of blogs you have read where we all have been so sure the ultrasound will show a dead baby only to house perfect healthy babies. You are next. Can’t wait to hear.

  21. November 5, 2012

    Thinking about you and crossing fingers that everything is ok! xo

  22. November 5, 2012

    I’m hoping that you have a perfect day tomorrow. One that makes this one seem like a million years ago. We’re counting the hours with you! Hang in there.

  23. Ginny #
    November 5, 2012

    Hoping, praying & wishing like crazy for you and the professor and your baby – I don’t know about making time pass, maybe think about the election…


    Good vibes coming your way for the next (less than) 24hrs. xo

  24. November 5, 2012

    Your serial HCGs were certainly awesome, if that provides any encouragement. I know that in the end, however, it will still be difficult just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other for the next 24 hours. I’ve dreaded and had bad feelings about ultrasounds that really did prove to be terrible AND about those that proved to be wonderful, so I just don’t trust my feelings either way. I was sure that my 6 week ultrasound with this pregnancy would bring bad news and I still felt the same way three weeks later when I had my 9 week ultrasound. After experiencing pregnancy loss, you will never be the same as far as this fear and nervousneses goes. It takes our innocence away. Just know that you can still have great ultrasound results EVEN when you feel this way.

  25. D #
    November 5, 2012

    Wishing you the best of luck tomorrow! I totally get how anxiety inducing the first ultrasound is. No matter what anyone says to you it just won’t help with the anxiety after going through what you have been through. Deep breaths. You can do this! Sending you lots of positive vibes!

  26. November 5, 2012

    Hoping and praying all is well and that today goes by quick!

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