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Just… sad



There was yet another pregnancy announcement in the Professor’s and my circle of friends. Their first baby was conceived when I was starting this journey. Now they are on No. 2. I love them and am so happy that she and her husband don’t suffer from infertility but oh my god it still hurts. It hurts like hell knowing that my tiny baby is at risk and I’m supposed to spend my days sitting or lying down while she continues to work and be active and her babies thrive. Everything about infertility is so fucking unfair.

Everyone we met at the ER on Monday would say the same thing, “You guys seem like such nice people. I really hope this works out for you.” Even strangers admit we are nice people. Why can’t we get a normal baby? I have always been able to soldier on and push my way to success – in school, in college, in my career, financially, through daunting health scares. Why can’t I have the same success with infertility? I’m having a REALLY hard time accepting all of this.

This is not an upbeat post. Please forgive me. I think I’ll spend the rest of the days before my next appointment on the 13th writing about sewing and home dec. I know this is an infertility blog but at this moment I have absolutely nothing good to say. I do have good crafting, though.

I made a rug recently that I should feature and I owe you all a review of my Bemz slipcover for our Ikea couch. I’m also making my own slip covers for our Ikea dining room chairs. Perhaps a tutorial on that is in order? The covers are time consuming but overall not hard and it sure is exciting to have chairs that no one thinks are Ikea.

Oh and my “sewing room” makeover is almost complete. Last night the Professor very sweetly built my new book shelf since I can’t do any heavy lifting. While he played with power tools I made a pot of sauce, a complete reversal of roles as I am always the one to assemble furniture (I have more patience and experience with Ikea assembly than he does). I could also share the recipes for our Thanksgiving dinner. I tested the vegan/gluten-free dishes over the weekend and everything minus the pie was good. (The pie filling to crust ratio was weird. I need to work on it some more).

What would you like to read over the next week? Seriously. I’ll take some requests. I’d do some Picture Pictures but since I’m spending the bulk of my day sitting or laying down they would be REALLY boring pictures! Perhaps a series of images of my dirty floor to debunk rumors that my cats are fake and I’m secretly rich and have a maid? (Really I just shove all the clutter out of the image frame and then Photoshop out the cat hair!)




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  1. November 7, 2012

    Hang in there Belle…I can’t imagine how hard it is, but hang in there. On a non IF related note, I would LOVE to see some of your vegan Thanksgiving recipes!

  2. SRB #
    November 7, 2012

    I would love to read *anything* you want or need to write about. 🙂

  3. Amy #
    November 7, 2012

    That’s a harsh announcement to hear when you are at this stage, for sure. No need to be upbeat or avoid writing about the frustration bound to come up – we know better than to think any less of you for having such normal feelings! If it seems like it might help to vent, write it out! We’re here to listen, and are cheering for you to make it cleanly to the next milestone!

  4. November 7, 2012

    You got this, Belle. It’s hard seeing some have it so easy while we have so many challenges, but there has to be an upside somewhere, right? If anyone can find it, you can. And hey, who doesn’t do the clutter-shove?

    I’d like to see the recipes too, and the rug. What about coming up with some prompts for another photo challenge?

  5. November 7, 2012

    I find it interesting that you are having a hard time with not having success (although you are now *knock on wood*) with infertility, as opposed to the fact that you have to go through infertility at all. It’s a very different mindset than I am used to seeing and than I feel. In my opinion, you’re actually in a better place if you’re more angry/sad about the lack of success. It means you have accepted your journey, something that I am not entirely sure I ever will.

    • November 7, 2012

      This is a good point. I don’t know when my mentality changed, but it has I guess. I am infertile and seem to have come to grips with that. The fact that I’m infertile while other infertiles have success, though, really frustrates me. We all deserve babies. I hate that I can’t make that happen.

  6. November 7, 2012

    That news would make me sad, too. And I’m sure your friend doesn’t live in constant fear that she’s going to lose her baby. Wonder what that feels like. *sigh*

    As for future posts, I’d definitely love to see the recipes. I used to have a great recipe for a nut loaf, but I lost it, so if you happen to be planning one of those, that would be great!

    • November 7, 2012

      Sadly, no nut loaf in this house – I’m allergic to all tree nuts and peanuts! However, I have a ton of cookbooks. While resting this weekend I’ll comb through them and see if one looks particularly yummy and will send it your way!

  7. November 7, 2012

    (((((HUGS)))))) Those annoucements are always hard.

    I’m with SRB: sewing, recipes, remodeling thoughts, etc. Write it out.

    • November 7, 2012

      Announcements, no matter how much you love the announcer, are so hard. I wish I could be a better friend and put my struggle away to rejoice in others success but sometimes, I just can’t. Need to wallow in self pity for a while first and wash my wounds with wine, or right now hot chocolate.

  8. November 7, 2012

    Belle, if there is one thing I have learnt is that the baby journey is just out of our hands. I know its gut wrenching to see people have babies like normal whereas we struggle every bit of the way.
    You are young, kind and beautiful. Good things will come your way. Right now just tell yourself over and over again that Jun 2013 i will have my baby in my arms.

    Where i come from we have a saying that if you repeat something over and over the energy you generate out of it will make it happen for you.

    Things will work out for the best, you and the professor are destined to be parents.

    • November 7, 2012

      I’m trying to be positive. I had a “feeling” from the beginning of this cycle that this was the one. I just have lost it a bit. Maybe I’ll find it when I make my husband vacuum tonight 🙂

  9. meggola #
    November 7, 2012

    Pregnancy announcements are so difficult to hear. They just are. You just write about anything you want that will distract you. In the meantime, focus on doing what you can to help your little one that’s fighting the good fight. I know this is a scary time and it’s hard to feel so out of control when you’re so close to achieving your dream. Hang in there!

  10. November 7, 2012

    It isn’t fair and it isn’t easy. Just worry about you and your baby right now. That is all that matters.
    I am interested in anything home decorating, crafting, and vegan!

    • November 7, 2012

      ps I nominated you for the Liebster blog award because you are awesome.

  11. jak #
    November 7, 2012

    hang in there girlfriend!!!! i understand at least some of the darkness you feel. seems like nothing ever works out perfectly. there’s always gotta be some sh*t on the path that we step right in and track around the house. yeah, you and the prof seem like very nice people, and totally ready to add to your family and it is unfair that it’s taking so much work and psychological stress. i get pissed about this too. my mom and dad werent married when they got pregnant with me, ie they got knocked up. in the back of a farkin car for that matter!!! and were totally not ready to be parents. they didnt have good jobs, partied all the time, didnt have a house, etc. then they went on to have 4 more kids, my siblings, that they also COULD NOT APPROPRIATELY PROVIDE FOR. now, since their marriage and family were based on such a slippery foundation, they are in the middle of a nasty divorce while i’m struggling with IF and saving for college for a kid i don’t even have yet!!!! if there is a god, he/she is one sick mot……

    anyway~!! sorry for the rant, but i know what you’re saying.

    this week? SEWING!!!!! AND HOME DECORATING!!!!!!!! also any test kitchen pictures would be awesome, like shots of your recipes or tricky parts of the cooking process that would help us get through the recipes if we try them. or, whatever you feel like BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE RESTING!!! you gotta absorb hank the hematoma (i’m thinking that your hematoma probably looks like minature version of david duchovny’s face), which probably happens best if you move less and keep your feet up to aid in lymphatic draining?

    best wishes and take it easy, and sorry for the weird post, haha!

    • November 7, 2012

      Oh Jak, it is not fair at all, is it? If I had a dollar for every time I have felt cheated I would have enough for another fresh cycle!

      I did not take photos of my Thanksgiving test kitchen, sadly, but can post detailed directions. I’ll put this together in the coming days. Very exciting – I love sharing food.

      And I Love your weird comments, they always make me smile 🙂

  12. November 7, 2012

    Please don’t feel the need to post on other things if you are feeling down and writing about your sadness helps.

    That being said, I would love to see a post on the covers for your chairs. I may have to do something like that myself b/c we have Ikea chairs too.

    • November 7, 2012

      I will work on a tutorial this weekend. I’m finishing the first cover this week and then will start in on the second and take photos along the way on Saturday and Sunday!

  13. November 7, 2012

    Any recipes or sewing tutorials you post would be greatly appreciated! I hope you feel a bit “up” as time goes by.

  14. November 7, 2012

    I’m curious about what vegan/gluten free pie didn’t work so I don’t waste time trying it, and also other awesome gluten free Thanksgiving stuff. We have only one family member who’s gluten free and just added a vegan so it will be an exciting holiday for all. And ooooh sewing…

    • November 7, 2012

      It was a recipe for apple pie from the Flying Apron Bakery’s cookbook. The crust was good it was just too sandy for my liking. I think it would make a great single crust pie for like a chocolate pudding pie but it was just too much having it on the bottom and top of the apple pie. This weekend I’m going to dabble with a new crust recipe and if I like it will be sure to show! I’ll also work on posting my Thanksgiving menu for everyone. Mmmmm, I love cooking AND eating 🙂

  15. November 7, 2012

    Write whatever feels good, whatever helps you get through the day and I will read it and enjoy it. But for the record I love your sewing and food post.

    Hang in there. I’ll be thinking of you and your little one sending good thoughts and vibes.

  16. Kenya's mom #
    November 7, 2012

    It was probably a hard thing for your friend to tell you too, even though it doesn’t compare to what you have been feeling over the past two years. It’s completely okay and normal to be angry. Just know that you, professor, and embryo have complete support from so many people in your journey.

    • November 7, 2012

      I hope you know that friend is one of the nearest and dearest people to me on earth, and that I am extremely happy for her. Just so sad about my own situation. It’s a tough place to be. I hope I have a healthy & hematoma free baby with all the right number of chromosomes to celebrate with her soon.

  17. babyfeat #
    November 7, 2012

    Belle, you are such an amazing person, anything you write will be interesting. Maybe it’ll feel good writing about your creative endeavors. I’d love to hear about your recipes,sewing,remodeling, and whatever else.

  18. November 7, 2012

    I’m all for recipes and crafting ideas. Ideally cheap ones that don’t require expertise or a sewing machine. (Cooking expertise is fine– but the crafting, I’m not so much up on.)

  19. November 7, 2012

    I’m sorry you’re feeling blue 😦 Sending lots of hugs!

    I LOVE good crafting blogs (because it’s something I just can’t do and I’m in awe of those who can) and I loved your schoolhouse tunic and the photos you’ve taken of your home look gorgeous. So, I’d love to read about your sewing room and craft chairs 🙂

  20. November 7, 2012

    I’m sorry you are sad. That kind of news stings so bad.

    Remember your blog is anything you want it to be. Anything you are feeling at the moment. I always love reading about your crafting and sewing! Anything you write I will be reading! Big Hugz!

  21. November 7, 2012

    I haven’t been bloggy in a few days, so i missed your scary scare. I have my fingers crossed for you Belle. It’s going to work this time.

  22. November 7, 2012

    Sorry you’re feeling sad…thinking of you!

  23. November 7, 2012

    I am sorry for the pain and frustration, and I understand. There is no sense in any of this infertility business. .

  24. November 8, 2012

    Oh, Belle! *big hugs* This blog is so much more than an IF blog, it is YOUR blog, do what you want with it. I love craft/arts posts.

  25. 35life #
    November 8, 2012

    So sorry. My sister struggled with infertility and eventually had a successful IVF. Even now that the twins are 4 years old, my sister still gets annoyed hearing stories of “easy” pregnancy announcements. I guess it never fully goes away, even after a success. But I love your idea of posting about some other things. I’m needing to do the same soon. I need a break too.

  26. November 8, 2012

    I would be excited to see the tutorials! Not that I would be able to do them any time soon but it would be cool to see how you do it.

    Ugh it’s so frustrating when other people seem to have such easy pregnancies (on top of easily getting pregnant). My husband’s cousin easily got pregnant with twins – her first pregnancy – and she was still going to spin class and working up until the end! Although her babies did come at 33 weeks. But it didn’t even occur to her she might need to go on bed rest, may lose the babies, or whatever. La de da, I’m pregnant with twins, NBD… Blah!!

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