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7 weeks – not feeling optimistic

11/09/2012

Belle

Today I’m supposed to be seven weeks. It’s around this time that Pip stopped growing. Somewhere between my 6 week 4 day scan and my 7 week 4 day scan. Sometime after my bleeding episode, which was remarkably like this weeks bleeding episode. The similarities are shocking and scary.

This time I’m trying to take solace in knowing that birdie is measuring a little better than Pip, although still a day behind, and that I have a real doctor who actually poked around and diagnosed the cause of the bleeding. Last time Dr. A just shoved the wand in, pointed out the heartbeat and sent me home.

Still though, I know that a slightly larger embryo and diagnosis of SCH is not enough to promise me a baby. There is still a pretty good chance I’ll go in next week, at 7 weeks 4 days, and hear the same damn thing – nothing.

I woke up happy this morning. Had my eggs and gluten-free toast. Treated myself to some vegan cheese. Had my one tiny cup of allowed coffee. Spent 30 minutes playing with the cats and then 20 minutes watching a bird video with them. I fed them some treats and then showered and got dressed. This is when my day went rapidly down hill.

For the first time since I started Prozac the self hate came flooding back: I hate that I’m so fucking broken.

I’m angry that my first baby is dead.   I’m angry that the odds are again stacked against me. I’m angry there could be another dead baby come Tuesday. I’m angry that I can’t do this naturally. I’m angry that I’m surrounded by happy families who spend their mornings getting cute kids ready while I watch a fucking bird video with my cats.

I’m angry that infertility has driven a wedge between myself and so many friends.

I’m lonely and I’m scared and I really need a hug BUT I have not told anyone about this so no one knows I’m lonely, scared and needing a hug. The people who know me in real life that read this have been strictly forbidden to talk about the potential pregnancy because I’m scared of jinxing it even though I know you can’t “jinx” a pregnancy.

Instead I’m sitting in my office behind a closed-door, quietly crying and blowing my nose in a roll of scratchy toilet paper I stole from the 2nd floor bathroom, the only bathroom on all 9 floors where the toilet paper is not locked in dispensers.

(I’ll post the rest of my Thanksgiving menu this afternoon. Right now writing about food does not sound fun but I guess neither does wallowing in anger and rubbing my nose raw with cheap toilet paper.)

 

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36 Comments

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  1. tchrgrl05 #
    November 9, 2012

    I can’t give you a real hug but I can send a virtual one. I woke up feeling miserable this morning as well. I can’t ever shake the same feelings you’re having. I’m still scared that this baby for some crazy reason won’t make it. I’m trying to take deep breaths and think positively and just relax, but I cried in my car on the way to work having a panic attack. I can’t tell anyone because they think I’m crazy for still being nervous. You’re not alone in the way you feel. I’m going to try to do something today that makes me feel good and I hope you can too. We’re all pulling for birdie. And, I think it’s so cute that you watch bird videos with your cats. You’re a great cat-mom 🙂

  2. November 9, 2012

    Hey belle, here is a hug for you. Take a deep breath and start sending positive vibes to your belly, come on, keep the faith. You are not alone, we are here for you. and get some lotion for your nose !

  3. November 9, 2012

    Damn scratchy cheap TP 😦 Doesn’t it understand your nose needs some love?? If I could hug you AND your nose, you know I would. You are absolutely right: there is no way to jinx this pregnancy–if that were the case, every smug/ignorant fertile who tells all of Facebook she’s pregnant at 14DPO would “jinx” herself, too. And that’s just not the way the world works…The anger and rage at your body is so completely understandable. I know it’s difficult to stop these thoughts…and bird videos aren’t much distraction… Maybe a funny movie marathon all tucked up on the couch is what you need this weekend? Be gentle with yourself. You’re amazing, Belle.

  4. Ginny #
    November 9, 2012

    (((((HUG))))))…………….So sorry you’re feeling this way. I am sending you all my positive and nuturing energy, Belle. I agree with Sunny, maybe you need a funny movie couch/cat snuggle weekend. Your virtual blog friends love you!!

  5. November 9, 2012

    I can understnd your fears, i went through the same crap a week ago. Anyway, sending you a biiiiig hug. If it helps and since you are behind closed doors, hug yourself 🙂 . Dont worry honey, things will be perfect for you and you will be all smiling and laughing next week after the ultrasound. Dont get into the funk you struggled so hard to get out of.

  6. Jen #
    November 9, 2012

    Big hugs for you. I’m trying to stay positive about my own 7 week-something-day baby but I also get hit with flash forwards of devastating news next week. I hate that we are so robbed of enjoying this time and naively looking forward to June without the constant fear nagging at us. We’re so used to things NOT going our way, we’ve primed ourselves to expect it.

  7. jak #
    November 9, 2012

    e-hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    dont try to draw too many similarities between last time and this time. last time was a chromosomal missegregation fluke. a tragic speedbump in your journey… but you will get to your destination. please take care of yourself…….

  8. November 9, 2012

    Sending you and birdie big hugs.

  9. November 9, 2012

    Belle reach out to one of those real life friends that know for a hug – take care of yourself. HUGS

  10. November 9, 2012

    (See Mr. WordPress! This is why we need a hugs button next to the like button.)

    Huge Hugs Belle! I don’t mean to sound insensitive…but once again your writing has me laughing and crying at the same time. You’re amazing.
    My thoughts are with you hoping little bean keeps growing ,and this fear turns out to be unfounded.

  11. Mel #
    November 9, 2012

    Oh Belle I am really feeling for you right now. Remember you are allowed to feel angry, mad, sad, depressed….but you also have to remember that at this moment you have a baby in your belly and all you can do is keep pushing through all those feelings for your little birdie. Life is such a crazy journey for both ferrules and infertile a we all have our own burdens to bare infertility and loss just happens to be ours. You have to hold on the the hope that this is it for you. We all have to hold on to that hope of a miracle baby that is the only thing keeping me sane (I am now experiencing my 3 rd loss in a row) but I just keep hoping for my miracle this could be yours don’t forget that. Sending you hugs

  12. Amy #
    November 9, 2012

    Huuuuuuuugggggs!! This wait-and-see period is SO HARD and SO SCARY. Feeling hateful about the whole thing is totally legit. You don’t have to say why you need a hug, just ask for one. Cry your heart out on that shoulder if it needs to come out. Sometimes the only way I can take a deep enough breath is after sobbing hard enough to not be able to catch my breath for a little bit. We’re abiding here with you. You are strong enough to make it through, and I do believe that your little birdie is strong enough to kick that hematoma’s butt and THRIVE. (My embryo measured a few days smaller at this point – the error associated with measuring something so small is huge – things are probably going to be just fine, though I know it’s so hard to believe or even hope for that at this point. I will hope for you. I know what it’s like for it to hurt to much to hope for yourself.)

  13. November 9, 2012

    Belle, I give good hugs, so imagine I’m there to be a shoulder to cry on. Of course this is a really hard time for you – even though you know that an SCH is not the same as what happened with PIP. Getting through this week is still a really big hurdle. But, can I just note the good things in this post?
    You’re nearly 7 weeks! Every week that goes by is huge.
    This little one’s measurements are great. All signs point to healthy.
    Your doctor gave you a diagnosis for the bleeding. SCH’s are scary, but a lot of us have had them and they tend to resolve during the 1st trimester. Any spotting you see now is likely just the SCH taking care of itself.
    You’ve been feeling better on Prozac. For many people finding the right medication and dose takes a long time. It’s really great that you’ve found a treatment that works for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself for having a bad day now and then.
    Also – you’re recognizing that the way you’re feeling is not normal is a good thing. You’re not broken. This is a sign that you’re in a much better place than you were a few months ago. I know that you still feel shitty sometimes, and it’s still hard, but don’t take away the credit you deserve.
    And you’re not alone. You are sharing these thoughts here, with people who care about you and who wish they could be there to give you the hugs that you need.

    Is it an option to call your doctor and say that you have a bad feeling today and you’d like to go in for a quick check before the weekend? I’ll be thinking of you.

  14. November 9, 2012

    HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG (that was my extra big hug for you). I’m sorry that you are feeling so down, but maybe because you are feeling lonely you need to tell one of your local friends how you are feeling? Could you meet the Professor or one of your friends for lunch?

  15. November 9, 2012

    First off: ((((((HUG))))))). Never, never feel guilty or silly for asking for a hug. At the very least, you’re giving an added benefit to the giver (hugging is a beneficial act for both the giver and receiver).

    I know you’re scared. It’s hard not to be. But I also know a few other things: 1) This pregnancy is different. It has been from the start. 2) Your current doctor is a good doctor. If at any point in time you need his help, call him. Don’t even hesitate.

    I wish I have a crystal ball that worked so I could look into the future and should you the outcome of this pregnancy. That you are holding your child, all so I could take all this fear away. (Said crystal ball would be awesome for everything else in life too) What I can do is let you know that you are not alone. Even when it feels like it, there are so many who are hoping for you, praying for nothing less but that you are holding your baby in 7 1/2 months.

    Sending love too.

  16. November 9, 2012

    I’m going to feel optimistic for you. Huge warm blanket hug swooping around you right now!

  17. November 9, 2012

    HUGS! I hope you get more optimistic as time goes by and things go well for you. That said, I’ve magically made it to 23 weeks, and I’m still worried that things will go wrong sometimes. There is hope, just remember that. And all the hugs.

  18. November 9, 2012

    That any of us have to continue to go through this is so shitty. But, we have no other choice if we want to be mommies. Take care of yourself, don’t have any expectations to feel any way other than how you are feeling, which is totally normal. Sending you a virtual hug.

  19. November 9, 2012

    After reading this, I was overcome with an overwhelming urge to send a care package to you containing the following: a big box of those new, fancy, soft, lotion-laden Kleenex (not that I believe you will or want you to continue your clandestine crying spells, but I can’t stand the thought of scratchy TP under any circumstances) and some sort of hug in the form of yummy comfort food (of course, I’d probably send something you are deathly allergic to). I truly wish I could send you those things. But more than anything, I wish I could send you a guarantee that things are going to work out this time. Even though I can’t do that, I am actively believing that they will.
    I hope this day gets better, and that the weekend brings some solace and renewed confidence.
    Sorry for the long comment- just wanted you to know you’re on my mind.
    Take care of heart today…and your nose.

  20. kgeiger #
    November 9, 2012

    I know I’m a stranger, but if I could hug you, I would. I hate that this is happening to you, that it happens to anyone. I hate miscarriage and infertility for robbing good, caring, loving women of the joy of being pregnant. It’s unfair. I hope you find comfort in the fact that there are lots of us pulling for you, and sending you loads of healthy baby vibes.

  21. November 9, 2012

    Big hugs to you Belle. This is such a hard time to pass, the reminder of what happened with Pip trigger the grief all over again. Take care of yourself this weekend, you are not alone.

  22. Lee #
    November 9, 2012

    This takes so much strength, and even though you are not feeling strong right now, you do have this in you. You will be okay. We are all here for you.

  23. November 9, 2012

    Sending hugs. This sucks. And there is no way around the suckage but through. And you know that. It’s part of what makes is suck so bad. I wish I could be there to share in the small cup of coffee and vegan chili you’ll probably eat today. But more than that I wish I could wave a wand and tell you it will all be okay and have that be THE TRUTH. But I can’t. And it sucks.

    I really, really hope your next scan gives you some peace. Sending love and light.

  24. November 9, 2012

    What I wouldn’t give to be able to give you 10 hugs right now. I’m thinking of you, Belle.

  25. November 9, 2012

    Aww. I want to run over with some good tissue and a big bottle of wine. Too bad neither of us can drink right now.

    Don’t beat up on yourself for feeling badly. It’s better to feel your feelings than stuff them inside. It’s ok to have bad days. And it’s ok to be worried. This is a scary time and there are no guarantees and it isn’t fair.

    Ask the next person you see for a hug and know that I am sending love your way.

  26. November 9, 2012

    Oh sweetie. Keep the faith that this is going to work out. I know that’s so easier said than done. I believe it will though. And I’m very rarely wrong 🙂 Just ask my husband.

  27. stupidstork #
    November 9, 2012

    Belle, you beautiful, beautiful creature I sooooo wish that you lived closer so I could hug you until you were uncomfortable and had to physically heave me off of you.

    For the record, I am feeling super optimistic about this. SUPER. I hate that you’re feeling lousy (seriously – if I could hug you I may even sneak my tongue into your ear) but I am worried about you, not birdie. Birdie is a kickass kid-to-be I can feel it in my bones.

    And a woman who watches bird movies with her cats? That is a woman who I find absolutely charming and amazing who is going to make a kickass mom to a kickass kid.

    YOU are going to be a Mom. YOU ARE. I of course want that for everyone, but you know, every once in awhile I have that thought with some people “I wonder if this is going to happen for her..” and then I bat it away. Not to say that it’s been easy (not at all) but I have never once doubted that you’re one of the ones that’s going to put one on the planet for TEAM AWESOME and I am thrilled. (Our numbers are dwindling, you know).

  28. Becky #
    November 9, 2012

    I have been reading for awhile and just had to comment for the first time to let you know that I’m thinking of you and wish I could do something to help you get through early pregnancy and all of the waiting that comes with it. It took 5 years, 3 miscarriages, and many many BFN’s before I finally got pregnant with my amazing daughter (and her twin brother who we lost at 18 weeks). I have been the woman in her office crying with the door shut. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Hang in there and (as hard as it is) please don’t give up hope.

  29. Lee #
    November 9, 2012

    A few weeks ago I was sitting in Grand Central Station waiting for my husband to use the bathroom. I was sitting at one of the little tables on the lower level watching people pass (he has Crohn’s, so I get a lot of people watching in). A small family stopped at one of the information kiosks and – IT WAS YOU! It was Future Belle! I wasn’t thinking about you beforehand, or infertility, or anything really, but it struck me as so particularly you, the way a familiar face in a crowd pops out and pokes you right in the brain. It was Future Belle and Future Husband… and Future Teenage Daughter. Happy tourists looking for how the heck to get out of the lower level. A little ripple in spacetime and I knew right then you’d make it. I’m 100% sure of it. I don’t know if this is it, or what lies ahead, but I’d bet my bottom dollar you’re going to get there. I know this is super cheesy, but I know it, and you’ll know it too someday.
    P.s. Use the Lexington Avenue exit. 🙂

  30. November 9, 2012

    I would give you real hugs if I could. HUGS

  31. November 9, 2012

    I’m so sorry belle, I can’t begin to imagine what’s running through your head – the things this does to us. It’s so hard. Just try to remember that even if all was/is perfect – you’d likely feel like this. What are the chances you’d just believe all is fine? You wouldn’t – even if it was. So assume this is that time :). All is well and you are just neurotic like the rest of us (and deservedly so). Keeping you and birdie in my thoughts.

  32. November 10, 2012

    This is a really, really, really tough situation. I hate that you don’t have anyone IRL to bring you nice Kleenex in the bathroom. Try to stay focused on the good that can come and remember that worrying just makes things harder (like we can really do that… but we can try, right?)

  33. November 10, 2012

    Big hugs, Belle.

  34. November 10, 2012

    Hugs. Stay positive.

  35. November 11, 2012

    This is why I love you: “Spent 30 minutes playing with the cats and then 20 minutes watching a bird video with them.” That is so sweet of you! Being a fellow cat person, I think this is wonderful, even if it did make you angry later.

    Hang in there….

  36. November 12, 2012

    I wish I was there to give you some hugs. Your last paragraph really just tugged my heart out. This is the unique dilemma of infertility and loss: the need to seek comfort yet the taboo nature of the subject that makes people hands-off. The need to grieve and express anxiety but the lack of a safe place to do so physically (other than by blogging). I just really feel for you, and others and even myself years agoand wish there was something to be done to make this stuff easier to deal with and more open.

    Abiding with you.

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