This weekend my nausea returned. The return of a symptom gave me this awesome sense of security – things were going to be ok. And so we told several close friends and they were all overjoyed for us. They are aware of the hell we have been through and were so happy we were finally catching a break.
Then today I started bleeding again and with the blood came more stabby cramps. This time the cramps are a different and I can really feel them focusing on my cervix, which I can only assume is a bad sign. I’m so tired of this. If this chicken is not going to stick around I wish it would just end. I can’t handle these ups and downs.
I feel like a moron for telling people. It is too early, I should have kept my fat mouth shut – this almost feels like punishment for my stupidity. I was just so tired of always having bad news or no news and it felt so good to have something GOOD finally. Wrong.
On Friday the Professor and I went to dinner with the Tomorrow’s Children board. I have not written about this because it felt so weird having just gotten pregnant. I received and incredibly generous grant from the organization for continuing infertility treatment if this does not work out. The grant would cover half of a fresh cycle, which is freaking awesome. It gives me hope and a backup plan.
Over dinner the couples on the board, who were infertility survivors shared their success stories. It gave me so much hope. It was so nice to talk to people in the flesh who had made it to the other side. “This little chicken is it,” I told the Professor. “It is just our luck that we finally get financial assistance and then won’t need it. But I don’t care. I would be SO HAPPY if they had to turn around and award it to another couple.” He agreed and gave me a big hug – yes, this is our chicken and we’ll get to hand the money back in 7 months.
Now I’m bleeding. I just don’t know what to do other than to bury my head in the stack of paperwork and count down the hours until my checkup tomorrow.