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Can’t catch a break



This weekend my nausea returned. The return of a symptom gave me this awesome sense of security – things were going to be ok. And so we told several close friends  and they were all overjoyed for us. They are aware of the hell we have been through and were so happy we were finally catching a break.

Then today I started bleeding again and with the blood came more stabby cramps. This time the cramps are a different and I can really feel them focusing on my cervix, which I can only assume is a bad sign. I’m so tired of this. If this chicken is not going to stick around I wish it would just end. I can’t handle these ups and downs.

I feel like a moron for telling people. It is too early, I should have kept my fat mouth shut – this almost feels like punishment for my stupidity. I was just so tired of always having bad news or no news and it felt so good to  have something GOOD finally. Wrong.

On Friday the Professor and I went to dinner with the Tomorrow’s Children board. I have not written about this because it felt so weird having just gotten pregnant. I received and incredibly generous grant from the organization for continuing infertility treatment if this does not work out. The grant would cover half of a fresh cycle, which is freaking awesome. It gives me hope and a backup plan.

Over dinner the couples on the board, who were infertility survivors shared their success stories. It gave me so much hope. It was so nice to talk to people in the flesh who had made it to the other side.  “This little chicken is it,” I told the Professor. “It is just our luck that we finally get financial assistance and then won’t need it. But I don’t care. I would be SO HAPPY if they had to turn around and award it to another couple.” He agreed and gave me a big hug – yes, this is our chicken and we’ll get to hand the money back in 7 months.

Now I’m bleeding. I just don’t know what to do other than to bury my head in the stack of paperwork and count down the hours until my checkup tomorrow.



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  1. November 19, 2012

    Can you call your doc and see if they can get you in earlier? Though you live a bit far away don’t you….either way you might want to give them a call and just let them know. Fingers crossed that everything is ok. I’m so sorry you’re stuck on this ridiculous roller coaster ride. 😦

  2. krissie #
    November 19, 2012

    I cannot even express the ferocity of my prayers. For peace. For safety. For you, the Professor, and the Chicken.

  3. Jen #
    November 19, 2012

    How insanely frustrating and frightening! I’m counting down the hours for tomorrow’s appointment with you. This limbo time is just awful!

  4. November 19, 2012

    I don’t know enough about pregnancy but I really hope they’re just settling cramps and it’s normal bleeding. Praying for you and Chicken. Rest up x

  5. November 19, 2012

    First off – you are not stupid for telling close friends! If they know what you’ve gone through, they can be a source of support no matter what happens. You don’t have to be alone in this! I know how scary it is to tell people, and that feeling that you’re going to jinx it. I felt the same way, but throughout this entire process I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the support I’ve received from those that we decided to share things with. Sorry to be forceful – I just don’t like to see you beating yourself up on top of everything else you’re going through right now. You don’t deserve it!

    I’m so sorry you’re bleeding again and having cramps. i would call your doc’s office. They should at least know about what’s going on, and maybe they’ll work you in earlier or be able to calm some of your fears, or just give you some advice on what you can do to help yourself and the little chicken.

    Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts and prayers your way.

  6. November 19, 2012

    Hang in there. If I remember right, your next scan is tomorrow? Just one more day!

  7. November 19, 2012

    If you’re bleeding can’t they see you today? I hope its just nothing!

  8. November 19, 2012

    Please don’t beat yourself up Belle. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and I know you would move mountains to bring this little chicken home. So stop blaming yourself.

    If you haven’t already, call your doctor. I’m certain Dr. E will make time to see you and that hematoma needs to be monitored. Thinking of you and sending love.

  9. November 19, 2012

    Wishing so hard everything will look fine tomorrow! This really sucks.
    And that funding is amazing, hopefully for a sibling if possible.

  10. November 19, 2012

    Sending loads of positive energy your way that all is well. We are all pulling for Chicken!

  11. November 19, 2012

    Man, it just never gets easier, does it? Really sucks you’re having to contend with this, it feels so unfair. I also know nothing about pregnancy, but my guess would be it’s probably the hematoma doing its thing… maybe bits of it are trying to leave your system? Something tells me it isn’t anything to worry about, but it’s understandable that you’re freaking out. Hang in there — just 24 hours more!!

  12. November 19, 2012

    It could be “just” a SCH. Maybe lovenox injections will help– definitely ask your doc. Sending you a hug.

  13. jak #
    November 19, 2012

    don’t freak out. just take care of yourself and take it easy on your body until tomorrow. you DO have a hematoma, which can bleed, especially if you’ve been moving around a lot and getting things done to prepare for the holiday/guests. and, i have had cramps this entire time even without a hematoma. in fact, it feels sometimes like i’m going to get my period, which is very confusing. i’m not saying i know that everything’s fine. just saying that there is a very logical explanation for your symptoms that doesn’t involve tragedy.

    also, about telling people… i know the struggle. my husband didnt want us to tell anyone yet. but i said, ‘you know what, who cares? if i miscarry, then people will know my pain and suffering. that is just that. it is nothing to be embarrassed of. it doesnt change anything if people know or if they do not. and, anyone that says anything nasty or insensitive about it will just look like an asshole.’ soooooooo, we’re starting to tell people, because it’s getting difficult to explain why i am not a)running, b)eating oysters, c)painting and remodeling, and most importantly, d)drinking heavily in order to survive family during the holidays!!!!!

    congratulations on your grant:) it is really something to be happy about. you’ve worked hard, and you’re good people. you deserve some help, although i’m hoping you will never have to use it!!

  14. November 19, 2012

    I’m here hoping alongside everyone else. Being excited and happy does not make you stupid. You should be able to tell your friends. I hope they have good news and some answers at you appointment tomorrow!

  15. whatrhymeswithinfertile #
    November 19, 2012

    I know how it feels when you feel like a dumb-hole for telling people so early on, but it isn’t fair that we can’t be like the non-IF pregnant girls who do get to tell everyone the moment they find out and all is well for them the whole time.
    With my very first pregnancy, we told everyone at like 6 weeks when we found out, and when we lost that pregnancy, I felt so dumb for telling everyone, HOWEVER, it felt great to have that support system, and in hindsight I am glad we told so I could get sympathy instead of having to pretend like everything was great. With my last loss we didn’t tell a whole lot of people and I felt very alone during the loss.
    That being said, I believe this bleed is your hematoma and your little chicken is cooking away all fine and dandy.

  16. November 19, 2012

    You CANNOT jinx pregnancy. I have had to tell myself that many, many times during my pregnancies and after my losses. Telling someone will not cause you to lose your little chicken. And you know what? You totally deserve the excitement of telling some people about your pregnancy. You are a super awesome lady who has been through some tough shit and you deserve to rejoice about chicken! So be kind to yourself–please.
    I’ll be hoping and praying for a good appointment tomorrow!

  17. November 19, 2012

    Aww, Belle! This bleeding just sucks! Like others have said, I truly hope it is only the hematoma and nothing more. I haven’t had one of those, so I’m not sure what they do/entail.

    On the other note, yay for the grant money! May you not need it and this little chicken sticks around for a very very long time, like, you know, forever. *hugs*

  18. Romy #
    November 19, 2012

    This rollercoaster ride sucks! I will keep my fingers crossed for you. It could very well be more bleeding from the SCH though, which could even be a good thing if it means the hematoma is being drained. After my gynaecologist found my SCH, he told me it could either be absorbed by my body or bleed out, and that I shouldn’t be surprised if I see blood at some point. I really hope that that is the explanation for your bleeding. I would definitely ask for extra ultrasounds whenever you need reassurance. xox

  19. stupidstork #
    November 19, 2012

    I’mma thinkin and a hopin and a wishin you happy thoughts. One hell of a roller coaster… I’m sure everything is fine, but I’m hoping that the symptoms stop just to give you peace of mind.

  20. Shelley #
    November 19, 2012

    Is the bleeding still going on? With my bleeding episodes, they only lasted a little while (two bathroom trips) and then turned back to brown. Honestly, I think it’s the hematoma and the nausea yesterday really was a good sign. I remain hopeful for you.

    We’ve been slowly trickling out the news to close friends too and it makes me so nervous every time. We told two of our best friends in the world on Saturday night and waited all through pre-dinner drinks at our house, going out to dinner at a restaurant, back to our house for coffee to tell them. I don’t think this part will get easier! But try not to worry over that.

  21. November 19, 2012

    I am hoping for you so much. I hope this is nothing, and all is okay. Sending out so many good vibes!

  22. November 19, 2012

    I’m thinking of you, I hope and pray everything is okay.

  23. November 19, 2012

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this still. I hope that it’s just that awful hematoma, which should be given an awful name, like Darth or something, so we can heap hate upon it. I’ll be thinking of you and Chicken and Mr. Husband.
    I’m glad you’re being brave and telling people. Every person that you tell is a person who becomes more aware of just how hard this can be.

  24. November 19, 2012

    Stabby pains in the cervix – would you describe this as “lightening crotch”? Because I had those types of cramps a lot while pregnant and my OB said it was things shifting and moving around. You might be coincidentally be having lightening crotch and unrelated bleeding. Or maybe the hematoma is being a bitch BECAUSE things are shifting and moving (causing the lightening crotch). In any case, I really believe (in my non-medical, long-distance opinion) that it’s just the hematoma and the Chicken is still snugged in there tight. I also agree with giving the hematoma a name, something awesome and villainous.

  25. theyellowblanket #
    November 19, 2012

    Thinking of you.

  26. November 19, 2012

    I’m counting with you, Belle. Thoughts and prayers for you, always.

  27. November 19, 2012

    Sending you hugs and thoughts of peace.

  28. November 19, 2012

    You’re in my thoughts.

  29. El #
    November 20, 2012

    I am thinking of you! Bleeding sucks and it gives you so much more to worry about. But there are a lot of different explanations for it: a hematoma, a vain,… Last week this time I was bleeding so hard, they had to bring me to the emergency room and admitted me to the hospital but yesterday I once again saw my little one kicking like nothing happened. So I pray for a similar outcome with you! You deserve this little chicken so much. You are in my thoughts and in my heart.

  30. November 20, 2012

    I am thinking of you today, trying very hard not to assume the worst – or anything. I hope you get reassuring news at your appointment. I hope your appointment is this morning and you don’t have to wait all day to go in! Sending you lots of hugs and good luck while you do wait….

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