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Pretending

11/20/2012

Belle

You know what feels even worse than being pregnant after infertility and loss? Knowing that your dysfunction is causing your wonderful (and fertile) husband distress.

Last night was such a glum night in Chateau Chelan. I half-heartedly played with the cats while the Professor made dinner (vegan red beans and quinoa). We quietly ate and remarked on how shockingly good the Trader Joe’s hot sauce is. I was extra still as the Professor gave me yet another painful injection in the ass and quietly wiped big alligator tears from my cheeks. (Some days these injections feel so futile). We faked laughter at two episodes of 30 Rock (sometimes stupid TV is the perfect distraction). We quietly crawled into bed and proceeded to neither speak nor sleep.

It kills me to see that my infertility is profoundly affecting my husband. I know and trust that he will never leave me for fertile ground but still can’t help to think that he deserves better. That he could have better. That maybe, if this Chicken died, I should just let him go free.

But I know I’m too insecure to do that. And he is to kind and loyal to leave. And so we continue to go through the motions and pretend everything is ok, night after uncomfortable night.

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26 Comments

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  1. November 20, 2012

    Hugs belle. No big decisions should be made when you’re going through such trauma. And don’t you give up on that sticky chicken. Remember: 5 huge bleeds, cute baby. It is possible.

    There are times to make big bold choices, there are times to sit quietly and ride it out & see what happens next. Don’t create more pressure for yourself right now by looking for things to worry about. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t act on them. Eg I can see I am blaming myself and my body for fertility problems, it is understandable to need a reason for things, but fertility is big and complicated and it isn’t easily explained, nor is it anyone’s fault. It is ok that I feel this way, but there are other ways of looking at this.

    Find something joyful and non baby related to do with the professor. Then do it. And sometimes, if you keep faking laughter, or joy, or smiles, they can turn into real ones by accident 🙂

    Thoughts are with you x

  2. November 20, 2012

    I’m with Ozifrog on this. My bestfriend bled quite a bit throughout her pregnancy and she is now the proud mother of a lil girl. I want to be positive for you, Chicken and The Professor – I want this to work for you.

    And I’m sure The Professor doesn’t stay out of kindness or loyalty (because that sounds like pity) – I bet he stays because he’s in love with YOU and wants his life with YOU.

  3. November 20, 2012

    Belle, i dont agree with you here. The Professor loves you and is not with you because he is kind and loyal. He is with you because babies or no babies, he wants to spend the rest of his life with Belle. I went through the same thoughts after my m/c’s and my poor helpless husband had to force me to understand that maybe its his destiny too to struggle to have babies. He had to make me repeat our marriage vows and told me there was never any promise of children in them. He was with me for me and not for my ability to make a baby. Dont get such thoughts in your head. Dont lose what you have for something you think you dont have. You wil have plentiful chickens.

  4. Juno #
    November 20, 2012

    I know it’s so hard. Hang in there. I remember once I said the same thing to my husband. He sweetly told me that he would trade me (broken as I may be) for a fertile gal in all his life. He thinks I’m perfect the way I am and I know the Professor thinks the same of you. You’re in this together. Take that burden off your shoulders. Odds are the chicken will make it safely into this world. You will probably have more than one chicken. I know nothing will change your fear until you reach viability but know that we are all here hoping and praying.

    • Juno #
      November 20, 2012

      Wouldn’t trade me. Haha oops!

  5. November 20, 2012

    I know exactly how you feel. I often have the same thoughts. ((hugs))

  6. 35life #
    November 20, 2012

    I know the feeling of quiet evenings with the elephant in the room, but you get through them. I agree that the Professor chose you first and whatever happens or doesn’t happen, you both are meant to be together. I do still believe that many of the “right” people find each other for a reason. I’m not giving up on Chicken though. I’ve heard plenty of stories of bleeds and things were fine. Fingers still crossed.

  7. whatrhymeswithinfertile #
    November 20, 2012

    I like to think about it this way: Before we knew I was infertile my Hubs was terrified to have children. And I honestly think he would have been fine if we never had any. He didn’t know what he was missing until we had a child. So, even though I had every single thought you just admitted to having yourself, Hubs didn’t marry me for my ability to have children, and the Professor didn’t marry you for that either.
    But none of that matters because when you have that ultrasound (today?) you will see that your little chicken is still doing just fine!

  8. WTW #
    November 20, 2012

    I have had 2 huge bleeds in the last 2 weeks…not just a bit of blood…blood streaming into the toilet. My “chickens” are still hanging in there just fine. I agree completely with everyone else. The marriage vows say nothing about having babies…the Professor chose you for YOU, not for your potential fertility! These early weeks are so hard…I told my husband the other day that I want to be put in a medically-induced coma until viability…do you think you’d like to join me? 🙂 Thinking about you lots today!

  9. November 20, 2012

    Aw… quiet evenings are fine every now and then, especially when you’re both stressed about an ultrasound the next day (did that happen?). Like always, probably your body’s defense mechanism, steeling itself for the upcoming news — whether good or bad, it’s still overwhelming and difficult to process. Silent snuggle sessions can mean a lot, though, and you’ll probably need more of them as you go along. Hang in there.

  10. November 20, 2012

    You know I’ve been where you are. It’s hard not to wonder whether our other halves would be better without us, especially in moments where all seems lost. Here’s the thing, though: despite all the pain and heartache, our partners still want us. Just as we want them. That a life with another partner isn’t going to be better.

    You also know that so many of us are waiting with baited breath today. That we’re hoping. That if we could fast forward and place the Chicken in your arms, we would do it without a second thought.

    Thinking of you and the Professor today. Much love and light.

  11. November 20, 2012

    I know how you feel. It’s hard not to talk about the elephant in the room. I’m hoping so much Belle that is your take home baby, I hope so much!

  12. Lee #
    November 20, 2012

    I suspect it is not infertility that causes him distress, but YOUR distress that causes him distress… and would you want to be with someone who was never moved, not even by life’s hardest challenges? I don’t think so, and neither would he. It’s okay to not be okay.

  13. Arbrefleur #
    November 20, 2012

    Oh Belle! I hope by now these comments find you in a much, much more hopeful place, having seen Little Chicken. But I wanted to share that I, too, went so far as to straight up tell my dearest hubby that I wanted a divorce because he deserves “better” and he got so angry with me. Not really angry but the thought (of course!) had not even crossed his mind. I’d bet my last bottle of follistim that the professor is just worried about his precious Belle. With or without children (and you Will have them), you’re always going to be the most important, beloved person in his life. Hang in there girl!!!

  14. jak #
    November 20, 2012

    without a good foundation for your chicken, it is not worth having a chicken. you and professor formed a good foundation even before you thought about chickens. there are lots of people out there with lots of chickens that dont have good foundations, and those chickens are suffering. trust me…

    any updates, by the way? did you have an appt today?

  15. November 20, 2012

    “And he is to kind and loyal to leave.” Thank God for that, right?

    I hate what IF does to our families, our most intimate relationships in our lives. But you will survive it. Both of you will. Because you both love each other and have so many common goals.

    Be kind to yourself, Belle! This is the week to be kind to ourselves 🙂

  16. November 20, 2012

    I don’t agree with this post either. The Professor didn’t marry you to be a baby-making factory. He married you for YOU. I’m sure that he was quiet last night because you were quiet. He probably feels like there is nothing that he can say to make you feel better (even though that is all he wants to do).

    Thinking of you, the Professor, and Chicken today….

  17. November 20, 2012

    I have a feeling he might be distressed because he loves you and is worried about you. Men want to fix and when it’s something they can’t fix they don’t know what to do. Those uncomfortable nights are inevitable. Just remember, some nights will be bad, but they wont last forever. Hugz!

  18. November 20, 2012

    You are doing the best you can. Hope is a hard thing to hold on to. I echo these other fine ladies, your husband loves you. I would bet that part of why this is so hard on him is because he has to see you in so much pain and sorrow. You will get through this together.

  19. November 20, 2012

    Thinking of you today. Hope the us shows all is well with chicken little :). Let me also assure you that the professor wants YOUR baby, not just a baby. He wants to see you big and round and pregnant and have a little baby with your eyes and bum :). And he will.

  20. November 20, 2012

    I am sorry for your pain.. i have to thank you for putting into words the struggle i have been facing.. i have gone as far as telling mine he could leave and still after he chose to stay i feel guilty..

  21. November 22, 2012

    Whoops I’m late! I agree with everyone else. And my husband (all this man wants in life are kids and was made to be a daddy) has assured me over and over that the only way he could be happy in life is with me. Kids or no kids. I know it’s not fair to them that they get taken on this awful ride and may not end up with any kids at the end, but that’s marriage. A lot of different challenges are thrown into marriages and this is yours. Talk to him, Belle, so you can hear it from him. Still rooting for you two and feeling good about your pregnancy. Xoxo

  22. November 24, 2012

    Please consider that he just want everything to be okay, he wants you to be okay, he wants you to be happy. That’s all a real man ever wants, is that is woman is happy and healthy. Consider that he too is afraid to exhale. Don’t speak, but put your arms around him and tell him that you love him and you will be there for him, no matter what.

  23. November 24, 2012

    Ahhhhh – boy I think many of us can relate to this. I’d venture to say most of us do.
    Just think of it as the opposite. Would you want to leave your husband if the problem was on his side? I’m guessing no. You’re husband loves you. Keep the faith.
    Visiting from ICLW (#7)

  24. November 24, 2012

    I just found your blog. Your honesty is so refreshing and you’re so brave for being so real with your emotions. I’d like to follow your blog but can’t seem to figure out where to click.

    • November 28, 2012

      Hey Jessah! Sorry for my late reply! The subscribe option is at the bottom of my blog.

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