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Ooooh that smell

11/28/2012

Belle

My husband stinks. A lot. So did my mom when she was visiting. So did every. single. person. sitting around me at the Moscow Ballet on Monday. Everyone smells.

I can’t get over how in tune I am to certain smells, while others don’t make me bat an eye. The raw salmon I seasoned and plopped in a baking dish on Sunday? Totally not stinky. My husband’s breath when he was trying to comfort me during some cramping this morning? So bad I had to tell him to please leave. My sweet Maine Coon, who is our cleanest and  most fastidious bather, smells like animal. The Professor’s cats who have always been on the grungy side  stink 24-7. I had to toss poor little Euclid off my lap this morning due to her smell.

Sometimes really strange things smell bad. Like the lid to my canteen, or my grapes that I washed twice. Also on the “It Stinks” list is one of my favorite varieties of hummus. I had some this morning on my eggs (yeah, I eat hummus on my eggs) and it was sooooo bad-smelling that it took every ounce of self-control to choke the eggs down.

Along the same smell lines are my farts. Shit, y’all, no one warns you about pregnancy farts. My ass is TOXIC lately and my addiction to vegan chili is not helping matters. The gas is the worst at night, typically around the time for my PIO shot. Last night while the Professor prepared my injection I felt a big one start rumbling.

“Ugh, I have to fart again,” I said.

“AGAIN?” the Professor asked in disbelief.

By this time the shot was prepared and he had wandered over to swab the injection site.

“Well go ahead and let it out before I have a huge needle in your ass,” he said.

“Are you sure? It might be rank…”

“Yeah, it can’t be that bad.”

Typically my farts are silent or very quiet and pack a decent aromatic punch. I’d give them a 2 out of 10 on the sound scale and a 5 or 6 out of 10 on the smell scale. While they do smell they will rarely clear a room.

Last night it seems my ass took a turn for the worst. As the sweet, loving, patient Professor swabbed my bare ass I let the fart monster pass. Instead of my normal puff of air, though, this one rocketed out in three dreadfully loud and terrifically potent bursts.

“Pbbbbt,” went the first one.

“Hahahahaha” said the Professor.

PBBBBBttttt,” went the second.

“Ha! Belle! What did you eat?”

“PPPPPPBBBBBBTTTTTTT,” went the third.

“Oh. My. God. {cough cough cough, gag gag gag} Baby! What the hell was that?”

The Professor quickly turned the ceiling fan on high as I collapsed in giggles and turned incredibly red from the embarrassment.

“Oh dear God,” I muttered. “I think I need to limit the vegan chili.”

“I think you need to limit ANYTHING fart producing!”

The rest of the night brought much of the same. Every five minutes or so another fart monster would pop out leaving the Professor gasping for air. I woke up this morning to find him sleeping downstairs in the guest room.

“Did I gas you out?”

“No no, I just could not sleep,” he assured me.

I only half believe him. I’m scared of my butt, too. If I could sleep downstairs and leave it upstairs I most certainly would.

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39 Comments

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  1. November 28, 2012

    Love everything about this. Too funny!! Thanks for my morning chuckle.

  2. November 28, 2012

    Thank you so much for this post, I really needed a laugh and this had me laughing out loud!

  3. Lya #
    November 28, 2012

    You had me in tears of laughters!

  4. Jen #
    November 28, 2012

    You can’t write posts like this anymore. I was snorting out loud cracking up and my coworker is looking at me like I have two heads!

  5. November 28, 2012

    LMAO! Wow. 🙂

  6. meggola #
    November 28, 2012

    Ha ha ha! Welcome to the first trimester! 🙂 The smells really got to me too – the litter boxes were all I could smell in our house, even though they were being scooped regularly, the refrigerator smelled like it was full of rotten food and the kitchen trash smelled like it hadn’t been emptied in weeks. My gas issue has been belching – I can’t even call it burping, and that did not go away so far. I hope your farts do though – I imagine those to be much more unpleasant!

  7. November 28, 2012

    LOL Thanks for this i really needed the laugh..

  8. November 28, 2012

    Hahaha! Love this. So true! And the heat hurt you eat, the worse they seem to get. My husband clears out of rooms regularly.
    Your super sensitive nose should calm down a bit in few more weeks, hopefully. But the gas??? Not so sure. May be time to get yourself some poo-pourri:)

    • November 28, 2012

      The healthier you eat…

  9. November 28, 2012

    You have me rolling on my office floor literally. My colleagues thinks I have lost it.. I snorted tea out of my nose…

  10. 35life #
    November 28, 2012

    OMG! You have me laughing at my desk at work. People probably think I’m crazy!

  11. November 28, 2012

    Oh my god, it’s like having a superpower. I can smell things from so far away it’s crazy.

  12. Amy #
    November 28, 2012

    Baaaahahaha! I had forgotten about that. Yes, pregnancy flatulence is downright frightening. So glad that you are keeping a sense of humor about the things that are definitely funny!

  13. November 28, 2012

    Hahahaha omg this had me cracking up! Crap. My ass is just like yours (worse right before and right after my period) so now I’m scared to get pregnant lol!!!!

  14. November 28, 2012

    I just about peed myself reading this! You (and your farts) crack me up!

  15. November 28, 2012

    My farts have not improved now that the babies are here. And guess what? Guess who’s had they inherited? Now the three of us are producing toxic gas at unprecedented levels..

  16. November 28, 2012

    Haha, thanks for the laugh!! Not sure who’s having it worse, you with the sensitive smell for all things or the Professor with the um, smell. Hilarious.

  17. November 28, 2012

    haha…same here. When my husband comes to bed he walks in the room and says…”Oh Beth it stinks in here”…I just giggle and ignore him!! I have the same thing with smells..when my in-laws were here over the holiday..I swore they all ate shit because their breath smelled horrible. At least with the hubs we can tell them, but the in-laws not so much. I wonder if the smell thing will go away after a while, or if it’s present the whole pregnancy?

  18. jak #
    November 28, 2012

    omg, hahahaha!!!!!! this is hilarious. my husband is such a prude about bodily functions (except for periods, go figure) that he couldnt even stand to hear me complain about constipation and the triumph of a satisfying poo… your professor is a good man (and tempting fate to hang out near your rear end long enough to give you your shots!).

    ps – when you have two big dogs like i do, it’s easy to find someone to blame toxic farts on. my oldest dog farts audibly and frequently. i stick close to her!

  19. November 28, 2012

    HA HA HA HA. If I ever get pregnant I look forward to making my husband uncomfortable because his farts STINK!!!!

  20. November 28, 2012

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  21. November 28, 2012

    Ha ha! I am glad I am not the only one.

  22. November 28, 2012

    You just made me laugh and laugh until I cried!

  23. stupidstork #
    November 28, 2012

    Hahaha at least your butt is taking revenge on your behalf for all those smelly people and things?

  24. November 28, 2012

    OMG I am laughing so hard I am crying! It doesn’t matter what you eat! When you are pregnant your farts get loud and horrible no matter how quiet and tame they used to be. My Hubby could clear a room easily. He is loud and proud and now I give him a run for his money. There have been many times where he has had to leave the room or roll down the windows in the car. We are very open about or bodily functions. Sometimes he even seems proud of me or even more the babies. He comments that they are definitely his children if they are doing this to me. LOL!

  25. November 28, 2012

    Oh. My. God. How I loved this post. It’s INSANE because I was just thinking the last couple of days about how sensitive I am to my husband’s breath now!!! It’s getting to the point where I feel like I need to ask him to use extra mouthwash before bed, but I don’t want to make him self conscious! It has never been a problem before.

  26. November 28, 2012

    Omg this is SO funny, I had tears in my eyes… I still try not to fart in front of my hubby because I feel like there has to be 1% of me that maybe he isn’t totally familiar with (ie. my bathroom habits), but then when the occasional one escapes he always says, “Building a mystery, huh?” So ridiculous. At this point, though, I think you should just blame Chicken!

  27. theyellowblanket #
    November 28, 2012

    You crack me up!

  28. November 28, 2012

    Haha! I have so been there. BG gets annoyed that everything seems so stinky to me. I feel like I was our towels all the time. For some reason as soon as they’ve been used once I think they smell horrible. BG can’t smell it at all. As for the gas…if your pregnancy is like mine, you’ll just need to embrace it. Actually, it makes me kind of glad that at least something is moving through my bowels 🙂

  29. SRB #
    November 28, 2012

    The only smell that bothers me is boiling water. Yeah. WATER. WTF?!

  30. November 28, 2012

    Ha- LOVE this post! Definitely brought a smile to my face. And yes- pregnancy gas is toxic! One of the many joys of being knocked up. : )

  31. November 29, 2012

    Welcome to pregnancy SUPERNOSE. My exciting “oh geez I’m gonna puke” triggers were: the smell of cooking rice, putting fuel in the car, bacon (ugh), meat of any kind, perfume counters in department stores, and dry cleaned suits. Amongst others!

  32. GatorGirl #
    November 29, 2012

    You are too funny!

  33. November 29, 2012

    My hubby thought I was exaggerating when I begged him to get away from me and go take a shower the first time I smelled the stink (I have NEVER smelt anything from him,EVER)…he even thought it was funny and tried to hug me,that is till I ended up with my head in the loo throwing up! Now everytime I look at him and tell him I can smell him, he runs for the shower.
    The poops…oh man!I cant even begin to describe them!I sometimes wonder if Im going to blow something.

  34. November 29, 2012

    HILARIOUS! Xxxx

  35. Peaches #
    November 30, 2012

    This post rocks. You’re brave and awesome .Steph recommended you so I headed (came?…can’t think right today) over.

  36. November 30, 2012

    Like many others, I’m giggling!

  37. November 30, 2012

    Hilarious!

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