Actually I guess it is more like “P.A.N.T.” but that sounds kinda dirty without context.
I ordered a pair of maternity pants. And some new, larger sized tanks, cardis and a sweater. Yesterday the pants I wore were so uncomfortable that this morning my lower belly hurt from them. Today I’m wearing my one pair of jeans that fits, a tank that is not long enough and a sweater that has buttons gaping.
I do not feel pretty today. In fact, I quite hated myself as I got dressed this morning, which is ridiculous. I’m almost 12 weeks pregnant and have been shooting my ass up with progesterone for nearly 10 weeks straight. What do I expect? I deserve to have pants that fit and clothing that makes me feel attractive. Especially after all the hell I have been through.
I also want this little Chicken to be comfy and not be hiding from my vicious pants all day. When LS, the midwife, was hunting for the Chicken she found him/her ALL THE WAY in the left hand corner of my pelvis. I didn’t even know the Chicken could get over there. This morning, as I rubbed my sore belly, I realized that the Chicken might have been WAY the heck over there because my pants had been attacking him. Poor, poor Chicken.
Someone close to me, who is the route of my body image issues, informed me last night that it is too soon to be growing out my clothes. This hurt. A lot.
I pointed out that I’ve actually gained around three pounds, which is pretty normal for the first trimester. Even though it is only 3 pounds, though, things have sort of redistributed. I’m not exactly sure how, but my ass is certainly rounder and my belly is more pronounced. I also pointed out that I was pretty thin going into this so my shape might change faster then others. I tried to keep my composure and I tried to let her comments go, but they linger.
Many, many thanks to a very dear friend who talked me off the edge this morning and reassured me that I’m OK and that I deserve at least one pair of pants that does not make me miserable.
So I did it. One pair of maternity pants, three new cardis, two tanks and a Doloman style sweater are on their way to my closet. This weekend I’m going to REALISTICALLY go through my clothing and pack up things that I know won’t fit and that will only torture me every time I try to put them on.
I am going to love, or at least tolerate, these changes. I’m going to have faith that buying a pair of maternity pants will not send me directly to the miscarriage lane. I’m going to believe in my Chicken and believe in my body and its ability to nurture a new human for six more months. I’m going to focus on my day dream of returning to my bike in six months and burning it all off while pulling my precious new baby behind me. This day dream makes me tear up every time. I can’t wait to have a bike buddy.
For those interested: Loft is having a great sale. My maternity pants were full priced (but are cute!), my tanks were all $10 and got some reviews that said they are on the longer side, the cardis were $20 and will look cute unbuttoned and with a skinny belt as the belly grows and the sweater $25.