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Making the Call

01/02/2013

Belle

Point Reyes 1

It’s time. It’s time to pass along my leftover IVF drugs. It’s time to take the basal body temperature thermometer off of my nightstand. It’s time to remove the IVF category from the Professor’s and my Google calendar. It’s time to move on.

I have always said that I would know when I was done with infertility treatments. Yesterday, while looking out over the cliffs of Port Reyes National Seashore, was it. Two years ago, before I even started this blog, this was my life. We traveled. We had amazing adventures. We laughed. We romped. We lived unlike anyone else in our social circle.

In return, we sat on Ikea couches and I colored my own hair out of a $10 box. Once small luxuries were cast aside we had the ability to live a very rich, very colorful life.

Point Reyes 4

Then we started treatment and all that went out the window. Extra dollars once used for travel were handed to doctors by the fistful  Exciting adventures into the depths of our Kentucky home were abandoned thanks to my perpetual hormone fueled moods. Even quiet dinners at the house were interrupted by the ever-present need for another injection or discussion on what we were doing next.

Two years of hormonal poison coursing through my brain is enough.

Point Reyes 5

Yes, I am pregnant and for that I am eternally grateful. Like so many of us, though, the Professor and I have always wanted two children and had talked about going through treatment again after this baby joins us. Time, you know, heals wounds, injection battle grounds and can replenish the bank account. But after this week, after returning briefly to what we once were and what we can be again, I know that will never happen.

I am done.

Point Reyes 2

“Hey babe,” I said as the cold January wind beat at my face. “I miss this.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s been a hellish two years.”

“Uh-huh. I’m done…. Like, forever done. Even if, God forbid, this Chicken does not make it home. I’m done. No more treatments.”

“I’m happy with that.”

Point Reyes 3

Image note: Towards the bottom of this very unimpressive photo is a whale coming up. You can see his/her spout and back. It was absolutely one of the most amazing things I have ever seen and for the first time in a long, long while I can check something off my “Adventures To Do Before I’m To Old and Crazy To Do Anything” list.

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28 Comments

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  1. January 2, 2013

    1. LOVE the photos from your vacation. Beautiful.

    2. I’m in the same place you are. Whatever happens with this pregnancy, I know it’s going to be my one and only. Our IVF clinic will still hold a spot for us because our (nonrefundable) registration fee was paid, but I know that we’ll never use it. Like you, I can’t put myself through another two years of this. And both my husband and I are completely at peace with that.

  2. January 2, 2013

    Happy Happy New Year to you and the Professor. I love this post!

  3. January 2, 2013

    I teared up reading this, I’m so happy you’re in this place now. I feel like everyone tells us that getting pregnant or having a baby won’t fix our relationships but they’re wrong when it comes to infertility. Having a baby healed so many wounds and brings us back to a former version of ourselves. This little chicken is going to make you guys so happy. Can’t wait to meet you in person and give you and chicken a hug!!

  4. January 2, 2013

    Sounds like you have reached peace with your future. Enjoy your future travels!

  5. January 2, 2013

    That’s a HUGE decision and I’m so glad that you are able to definitively know when you’re done with it all, and find peace in arriving there. I’m so happy you’ve been able to recapture part of yourselves on your adventures in the last week. Those are gorgeous photos!

  6. January 2, 2013

    Beautiful pictures!!

    I think that all of us, if we take the time to sit down and think about it, will know when it is time to stop treatments. We may have trouble for a while coming to grips with our decision, but it sounds like you are at peace with your decision.

    BTW, my most amazing time with whales was when I was in Hawaii (Maui to be exact) in late December/early January a couple years ago. We went out with the Pacific Whale Foundation and found a pod of about 20 whales, mothers and babies and some teenage males. They dropped the mic into the water so that we could listen to them and it was breathtaking. If you guys get back to your adventures I would HIGHLY recommend this trip.

  7. January 2, 2013

    I am so happy for you and Professor,and understand the being done sentiment. I would never want to do it again either. If we didn’t have quads there would be just one baby here. As badly as I wanted to be pregnant, I hated to admit how miserable pregnancy made me feel.

  8. January 2, 2013

    I love Point Reyes…it’s so beautiful. I love it up there!!

    I just had the same talk with my husband last night. We have to have a genetic ultrasound to make sure all okay, and I feel it will be fine. But with that said I told my husband that if for some reason this doesn’t go all the way, or even after we have the baby….no more. I’m done I don’t want to be pregnant again. It’s so sad and true but that is how I feel.

  9. January 2, 2013

    It sounds like this decision has brought so much peace to both of you and that makes me so happy.

  10. jak #
    January 2, 2013

    🙂 whatever you need to do, you know best.

  11. SRB #
    January 2, 2013

    I get such a sense of peace from you, reading this. It’s wonderful. 🙂

  12. January 2, 2013

    Here’s to a sweat-less pregnancy and continued peace. Expect great things in 2013!

  13. January 2, 2013

    I read this via my phone but wanted to come back to comment.

    I felt relief for you when I read this. I just recently had the same revelation when I just KNEW that I would never stim again. Sure, I may do another FET to try for a third child, but making the decision to never stim again was monumental for me. It was freeing! People say that you just know when you’re done with your IF journey – and although I’m not 100% sure that we’re done (#3? Maybe.), I’m 100% sure that we are done with the major procedures to build our family.

    I wonder if I’ll know when I’m done-done – like you. I’m a little jealous that you are certain of this. Certainty is a wonderful thing. And so is traveling, and loving your spouse, and doing the things that make you HAPPY!!!

    Good for you 🙂

  14. January 2, 2013

    This post makes my heart full. I guess there’s nothing more beautiful than making a decision as a team and being completely content where you’re at. Best wishes to you and your husband as you dive back into adventures. 🙂

  15. shinara #
    January 2, 2013

    Excellent whale! Excellent attitude!

  16. January 2, 2013

    May this decision give you the same inner smile and sense of peace that it has given to me.

  17. Juno #
    January 2, 2013

    This made me tear up. In a happy way. I feel the weight lifted in your words. Your pictures are beautiful and so is this post.

  18. January 2, 2013

    Wow… good for you… that seems like such a difficult decision to make, but sometimes all it takes is a change in scenery and a little shake-up of routine to help you see more clearly. Of course, you’re fully allowed to change your mind at any point down the road, but what’s most important is that you guys are on the same page and following what your heart and instincts are saying. Enjoy the rest of the trip – the pics look AMAZING!

  19. January 2, 2013

    Ok now that I’m home with internet connection, maybe my comment will actually post!

    These pics are UHmaaaazing! I know it helps to have such beautiful scenery to shoot, but man! These are such great pics of our NorCal coast.

    Anyway, I’m so sorry your journey to have a baby has been SO hard. It’s not fair. And I’m so glad you two had the chance to have another amazing adventure while preggo with Chicken. Love you guys and I’m really reeeeeally hoping EVERYTHING works out in the coming months!!!

  20. January 3, 2013

    Love this. And you’re kind of in my stomping grounds. K, maybe not, but you’re in my state at least 🙂

  21. whatrhymeswithinfertile #
    January 3, 2013

    I am so jealous of you! I have a wonderful almost-3-year-old and we are working on #2. But I definitely second guess that all the time because of the exhaustion of the treatments, and the exhaustion of parenthood. I wish I had the courage to just say “I am done!” I think it would be so relieving.

  22. Mel #
    January 3, 2013

    Awesome post. My husband and I just had that conversation…it is so hard to know when to stop and get off of this crazy IF train and go back to living life. It is so good to hear that you just know when it is the right time, cause right now we are so torn, so I guess it is not time for us to get off of this train. After 2 MM and 1 ruptured EP I still am not ready to stop so now it is on to the IVF train for me. Thank you for this post and I look forward to more post and pics about Chicken 🙂

  23. January 3, 2013

    This post sounds so full of peace. Love to hear that from you.

  24. January 4, 2013

    It is so nice, to just be done, and what a beautiful way to realize that. Chicken will love going to visit this place with you.

  25. January 4, 2013

    Wow. I had chills up and down my spine. You’re so strong and I so get it. Thanks for sharing that.

  26. Dspence #
    January 5, 2013

    These pictures are beautiful. How wonderful to find resolution; to find peace.

  27. January 5, 2013

    What a wonderful way to start a New Year! I can’t think of a better way than with peace in mind and heart..which we all agree we felt from this post…the pictures, the words, the vibe! You connect with your readers so well! I am so excited for your 2013!

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