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January 3

01/07/2013

Belle

January 3 was supposed to be a hard day. I had prepared to wake up with the weight of the world on my chest and to spend the morning in bed. I had prepared to spend the hours and minutes of my day mourning the child that was lost.

Instead I did none of these things. In fact, I’m horrified to admit that I did not even realize what day it was. It did not occur to me until this morning that I had missed Pip’s due date without shedding a single tear.

I feel like a monster for this. I have read countless posts by women mourning their lost child annually on their due date and had expected to be one of them. Lord knows I had a hard enough time with the loss over the past 8 months. Instead January 3 came and went while I was in California. I took an amazing hike with the Professor. I prepared a killer meal as a thank you gift to our hosts. I talked. I laughed. I visited the Chicken with the doppler.

I do think about Pip still. This year we purchased three new ornaments for our Christmas tree:  a tiny hand-made graduation mouse for the Professor and two lovely birds, one bright chicken for our Chicken and one soft cherub bird for Pip. On Christmas we intended to hike at Shaker Village, the place I walked on my Walk to Remember and where I choose to “let Pip go.” I had wanted to visit my angel baby among the trees and birds. Unfortunately the trails were closed on holiday and we ended up walking through the Arboretum instead.

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Since then, though, I have not mourned. I have not wailed. I don’t understand how such an important day could come and go completely unnoticed. Honestly, it leaves me feeling a little disgusted with myself. Too harsh? Perhaps, but it’s how I feel none-the-less.

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16 Comments

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  1. January 7, 2013

    Your “Walk to Remember” was a very healing process–maybe you weren’t wailing because you already said goodbye. Don’t punish yourself for healing and living your life. Pip is always be a part of your life and your heart, but we are not meant to grieve forever. At some point we move past consuming grief to a place where we can look back at a with bittersweet smile and sadness in our heart. Maybe you are at that point, and that’s ok because it is not an insult to Pip’s memory. I know it’s really hard, but we can’t compare our grief with others. We are all so different, and everyone deals with loss differently. Your loss is not less valid because you were happy on your due date.

    Thinking of you, Pip, and Chicken.

    • January 7, 2013

      Beautifully said. I didn’t cry or do anything special on my baby’s due date. I had done more than enough crying and grieving in the months before that. You aren’t a bad person. Not even close.

  2. January 7, 2013

    There have been years when I too have left the important dates of my first pregnancy slip by unnoticed. The first time this happened I was very disappointed in myself and judged myself harshly.

    Later I realized that marking dates is not the only way to honor something. For some people it is a very important way of honoring loss but for others, that honor is expressed differently. I may not remember my first EDD in March this year but I’ve been wearing my pearl necklace for months now, just because it has felt right to do so. Neither is better or worse, just different. At least that is what I believe.

  3. 35life #
    January 7, 2013

    Having never mourned a loss, I’m not sure how this will come across, but, I think you did all the things you needed to do, on or around that date – even without you realizing it. The thoughts and remembrance were already there in everything you did – the vacation, the good times and distractions, the beautiful ornaments. Maybe it’s exactly what Pip wanted for you? For you to be happy and content. I’m not the best at advice for something like this, but I hope you know you are not a monster. 🙂

  4. Mo #
    January 7, 2013

    oh hon, please don’t feel this way. I’ve always felt that due dates are arbitrary, and we mourn when we feel it’s right, for what we feel is right. I barely even remember nadav’s due date, and I will always mourn him on the day we lost him.
    You mourn when you feel is right, not when you’re expected to. The fact that you “forgot” just means that you’re on the road to healing.
    xoxo

  5. January 7, 2013

    There are so many days you could mourn (like I did) – the day the heartbeat was gone, the day of the D&C, the due date, the 1,2,3 year supposed to be birthdays… The others said it perfectly. You think of Pip so often and with everything you do. Never forgotten, always remembered.

  6. jak #
    January 7, 2013

    you do what you have to do when you have to do it. i’m happy for you to have had a release and time for contemplation.

  7. January 7, 2013

    Please don’t beat yourself up about it. I think that it was probably healthier for you to spend the day happy and busy than mourning Pip. I don’t think that it means that you have forgotten about him, but instead you are healing from your loss.

    Remember that some of those people that are mourning their due dates have lost another baby since the first and/or are not currently pregnant so not having to look forward a current baby in their belly would make it more difficult.

  8. January 7, 2013

    Here’s the crazy thing about giving yourself the opportunity to say goodbye; you start healing. It doesn’t mean that we don’t miss our love ones any less, but by saying goodbye we are allowed to make peace with what has happened; to begin living again. There is no reason you should be torturing yourself for missing Pip’s due date. Zero. So stop. Remember Pip, but don’t force yourself back to a state of depression because that’s what you’re suppose to be feeling

  9. Amy #
    January 7, 2013

    It’s okay, Belle! You think about Pip all the time; there is no need to have a special day to mourn him or her; he/she will always be with you. I have had the same thoughts, because the anniversaries come and go so often anymore (never had official due dates for most of my losses, but the time frames were easy enough to figure out), I would do nothing but light candles and weep if I made myself keep track. It is perfectly natural that you would overlook it right now, with a healthy pregnancy progressing within you. Pip would only want you to be celebratory, I’m sure! I LOVE the ornaments – very beautiful.

  10. January 7, 2013

    I think you’ve honored, loved, and remembered Pip in countless ways. The fact that you’re happy, healing, and looking toward the future is just another way to do that. “Forgetting” your due date doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about Pip.

  11. January 7, 2013

    Please don’t beat yourself up about this. I think it just means that you are at peace. That is a day I long for.

  12. January 7, 2013

    I understand you being upset with yourself, but I think this just means you’re moving forward and that Pip is walking beside you, rather than walking behind you needing you to turn around to remember him/her. He/she is with you always and a date is just a date – and he/she knows that too. No one, especially Pip, thinks that he/she is forgotten!

  13. SM #
    January 7, 2013

    Please don’t beat yourself up for this! You are healing and moving on which is such a good thing. You are finding peace and that is something I hope to find one day. I long for the day when I can pass the anniversary of a due date without immense sadness. You give me hope that it can happen. Thank you for that.

  14. January 9, 2013

    Ok, here’s what I’m thinking. Remember your Virtual Walk of Hope? Well I’m wondering if you found the peace and closure you needed to no longer be a wreck when thinking about Pip? And to not focus on what wouldn’t happen on January 3rd?

    I know that I personally have had sad moments when thinking about my pregnancy, but it’s not the deep devastating heartbreak anymore. And I think that might be partly due to the Walk.

    Also, you are so emotionally invested in Chicken, were travelling, having wonderful QT with the Professor and meeting AMAZING people (;) ;)) that your focus is no longer on your loss. It’s a good thing! And I’m glad you weren’t grieving that day. You deserve every good moment and feeling you experienced on January 3rd.

    On Mon, Jan 7, 2013 at 5:51 AM, Scrambled Eggs

  15. January 11, 2013

    Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I have not experienced the loss of a baby, but when it comes to anniversaries of the death of people I love I never remember the dates. I kinda like that I don’t have a specific date to think about and possibly dread it coming every year. I think about these people often and sometimes I mourn. You will always love and remember Pip and unless you really want to focus on a date I think it is good to think and mourn in your own time. Like others have said, maybe you have found some peace with your walk and other things you have done for Pip. Praying the peace continues.

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