am used to be a stomach sleeper. Nothing was cozier then crawling into clean sheets, covering up with a nicely weighted quilt and snuggling down on you tummy for a good 8 hours. Ah, cozy!
Then the uterus started growing and suddenly my cozy comfy front sleeping was no longer cozy nor comfy. It just plain hurt and was making me grumpy(er). I tried using our bed pillows but they did not have the right curve. I considered altering some pillows but was too daunted (read: lazy) to actually give it a shot. I tried sleeping on my futon (to firm) and on the guest bed (too soft) and nothing seemed to provide the level of cozy I was used to.
And so I caved and Googled pregnancy pillows and a whole new world of cozy bed hogging unfurled in front of my eyes.
The Professor and I have a California King sized bed and each have our assigned side; we meet in the middle for relations and then retreat to our designated dents. Whenever we are forced to sleep in smaller beds I find that his large nose produces so much nose air that I can FEEL it on my skin. It is disgusting and freaks me out and often results in a lot of griping and us sleeping “rump-to-rump,” which is also unacceptable because who the hell wants to touch butts with someone when they sleep? Especially someone who produces an unusual amount of gas (I’ll let you speculate who the gas-producing culprit is in this relationship… ahem, vegan chili…).
Enough about my nose air issues and space requirements – the Cali King bed fits all our special needs and makes for three happy campers and provides room to spare. Because of this I figured it was ok to explore some of the more luxuriously large pregnancy pillows. Pillows that would allow me to turn around at night and not have to haul five feet of polyester fiber-fill with me, most likely terrifying the cat and whacking my sleeping husband on the head. And so I ordered this embarrassingly expensive pillow:
If you will notice, nowhere in the product images do you see a photo of how much space this sucker actually takes up in a bed. They also fail to show how your cat will see this huge pillow as a delightful runway to pounce on your head nor is there video of your husband waking up at 2 a.m. yelling that he is balancing on the last two inches of the bed, “would you please move your fucking pillow?”
What they do show is an adorable baby and mama snuggling in it (Instant tears of hormonal joy -*BABEEEE*) and an adorable pet curled up in it (Fluffy!). I had no idea how much bed real-estate this pillow would actually consume or how dramatically it might affect my fellow bed-mates.
Thrifty little me who HATES the idea of spending $60 on maternity pants spent $65 on a bed monster.
It arrived in a humongous box, which I lugged in when the Professor was downstairs job hunting. He glanced up briefly to ask, “What the hell did you buy?!”
“Really? THAT is a pillow?”
“Yeah… It’s a pregnancy pillow.”
I opened the box half expecting it to only fill part of the box and the pillow monster immediately puffed out to greet me. “Hello Belle! Welcome to Bed Hogging, Side Sleeping Wonder!”
The Professor groaned, “Oh my God, we are never having sex again, are we?” he asked.
“Of course we will! We just will do it in my life raft!”
This was on Saturday. Today is Thursday. No life raft sex has occurred and the Professor is ready to start sleeping in the guest room. He has woken up twice saying that me and my life raft needed to “move the hell over” or else he’d end up on the floor.
The pillow has also put a serious kink into Yum Yum’s and my evening snuggle routine. Now she has to wedge herself in between the pillow and my piping hot body or brave sleeping on my thrashing feet. The past two nights she refused to come into bed until I had moved the pillow and created enough space for her by my head, her spot of choice. While this made more space for my cat, it started to encroach upon the Professors side sending him into fits over the bed hogging pillow monster.
While my husband and cat are less-then-thrilled with my new life raft, I am freaking overjoyed. Y’all, this is the most snugly I have EVER FELT while sleeping on my side. I feel so protected and cozy and almost like I’m sleeping on my stomach. An unintended bonus: the life raft pillow shields me from any far-reaching nose air! It’s as if I’ve hit the cozy jackpot! Now if only I could convince my husband and cat the same…