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Reality stinks… quite literally

01/31/2013

Belle

I used to cheer myself through infertility treatments with day dreams of what a lovely pregnant lady I would be. My bump would be perfectly round and adorable. My rump would remain toned. My hair would look awesome and my skin would “glow.” My husband would be enthralled with me and want to be close every evening as we cuddled on the couch. My cat and I would form and even stronger bond as she became invested in the life growing within me. I would radiate pregnant splendor!

Ahem.

My bump still looks like I’m eating too many cookies. My rump is, uh, not toned despite valiant attempts. My hair does actually look fantastic, but every time I brush it I am reminded of what will happen postpartum – it’s all gonna fall out! My skin is covered in pimples that require some serious makeup magic each morning. And my cat and husband? Well, they have  been hiding from me. Or more accurately, they have been hiding from my ass.

In all the hours upon hours of pregnancy research I obsessively diligently conducted, no where did I find a warning of the horrid things that would emanate from my ass. We are talking serious man farts. I could out fart Homer Simpson. The smells are so bad that they offend me. After my morning “constitutional” I have to open the window and evacuate the bathroom, no matter how cold it is. Afternoons at work are the worst and I’m to the point of jumping up and leaving my office anytime I think I hear someone approaching for a meeting. “Oh, were you coming to chat with me? I’m on my way to the water fountain  let’s walk and talk!”

The farts come regardless of what I do and don’t eat for lunch. Have a bowl of vegan chili for lunch? Obviously, expect farts. Have a PB&J and carrots? Expect farts. Have baked chicken and rice? EXPECT FARTS!

If I came with an instruction manual you can be sure it would feature an image like this:

My husband no longer likes to snuggle me on the couch. Instead he sits as far away as possible and tells me to “point that thing the other direction.” When in bed he’ll roll over and grown, “BELLE! Can you point that out from under the covers? I’m suffocating here!” My cat looks offended when we are snuggling and a big one launches out. Her nose starts working overtime, her eyes squint up in disgust and she more often than not abandons the snuggle.

It is HORRIBLE! And embarrassing! The only living thing that wants to be close to me right now is Euclid – our cat with anal gland problems who always smells like poo and farts herself. She loves my stinky butt and has taken to laying in my lap anytime I sit down. I don’t know if I should be offended or flattered. At least someone loves me? Or does someone only love my stench? We’ll never know…

My brother and his fiance have this really cute thing that when one of them passes a little gas (because no one farts like Belle can) they giggle and say, “Noooothinnnnng….” and then the other coos over them and gives a big hug. Obviously they have not been together long! 🙂

I decided to adopt the “Nothing” term for my farts but the husband argues that nothing is a horrid lie. “That is most certainly something! Can’t you unload that ass cannon in the other room?”

Source. This has gotta be one of my all time favorite internet fart photo. I’m so thrilled to have a reason to include it with a post! Kind of…

It’s crazy. It’s smelly. At times it’s painful (like when I hold them in during yoga – so much for relaxing). And most importantly, it is completely unexpected. Where the hell was my “Your gonna stink like a septic tank for nine months” warning?

So here is my warning to all infertiles dreaming of pregnancy, women who just got their first positive pee stick, and husbands looking all starry-eyed about their beautifully pregnant wife:

Pregnancy farts are REAL and OFFENSIVE and will RUIN your snuggle time. Be prepared and invest in some air-fresheners.  While you are at it, you might want to buy another couch – you’re gonna want your own once your lovely wife starts farting as if it was her job!

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19 Comments

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  1. January 31, 2013

    I am so glad you have Euclid to love you and your farts! I’m still farting in private, unless B is dead asleep. 😉

    • January 31, 2013

      I’m super impressed you can hold them in! There is very little holding in that I can do it seems. I max out at about an hour and then a fart storm happens! Who knew pregnancy would make me smell SO BAD!?

  2. January 31, 2013

    But your bump looks so perfect! I’ve seen photos, and it’s adorable, not bloated-looking at all. SO funny about Euclid. Every time you mention her “anal gland problems” I just burst out laughing, trying to imagine what it would be like explaining that to someone if it were me. Like, over dinner. Anyway, maybe you should start carrying a box of matches around with you — it totally works!

  3. January 31, 2013

    I’ve had a rough evening and morning so I want to thank you for making me laugh and putting a smile on my face! I just about feel out of my chair reading this Belle. I’ve been with Adam for almost 6 years and in that time I’ve heard him fart once…how weird is that? The man likes to fart in private! Me…well I’m not so private!

  4. meggola #
    January 31, 2013

    I can relate, though I think your issue is worse than mine. I have been belching non stop from the very beginning with this pregnancy! My poor husband has dealt with it well, but I can not wait for it to stop!!! Mine hurt too – often they set off my heartburn which is utterly completely unpleasant. Just keep reminding yourself it’s temporary, and will prepare you all for stinky diapers and baby farts! lol Here’s a link to a blog entry I found the other day that might make you feel better, or at least give you a good laugh. Make sure to read through the comments. http://blogs.babycenter.com/community_buzz/01152013_816305/

  5. karaleen #
    January 31, 2013

    Oh my goodness girl…I heard all about the pregnancy farts before I got pregnant and I was scared. I have been with my DH for 8 years now and we just do NOT fart around each other. So I was soooo worried I would be plagued and he would not love me anymore. But…don’t ask me how it happened….I never really got it that bad and was spared any embarrassment. I do hope this is just an early pregnancy thing for you and they settle down…but if not….just embrace it and do what you need to do to be comfortable. It is pure misery to try and hold in gas….and bless Euclid’s heart for loving you through this. tee hee
    kd

  6. January 31, 2013

    I am sorry, but I am ROFL. To be honest after all what you’ve been through, whats a little harmless farting 🙂 Perhaps you can keep some essential oil lamps around the house that would cover the offensive smell.

  7. jak #
    January 31, 2013

    i second meggola’s point… the husband should appreciate this. it’s very mild and gradual preparation for what is to come – liquid poo that not only fills diapers, but rockets up the chicken’s back soaking through layers of baby digs!! i’ve cleaned poo out of my younger siblings’ HAIR before. it can happen. and you cant just throw the soiled clothes away… you have to rinse them off in the toilet BY HAND and then wash them in the washing machine. unless research money and a full professorship all the sudden rain down on herr professor to the extent that you can quit your job or even just write part time, he is going to be changing smelly poo right along with you.

    here’s hoping you pass the stinky torch to the chicken and this gas doesnt continue post-pregnancy….?

  8. January 31, 2013

    Giggling over here! Sorry you and Euclid are being pushed away. I don’t remember being that stinky myself, but DH might have a different opinion.
    ON the other hand, I don’t think my hair has fallen out too much. It’s looks the same to me 5 months post partum.

  9. January 31, 2013

    I’ll be honest- I’m going to be pretty excited if I can finally out-fart my husband. He does such a number on my sensitive sense of smell that I can’t wait to give him a taste of his own medicine!! HA HA.

  10. January 31, 2013

    This was a damn funny post. I simply can’t resist a good fart/poop story. While I’m not necessarily saying I envy you….with the constipation and blockage I have going on, there aren’t any poops, farts, or burps coming from this pregnant girl. Just a massive, painful buildup that gives me a bloat like no other and makes my stomach hard as a rock. I think my intestines are twisting in knots. So….at least your pipes are clearly running properly…

  11. January 31, 2013

    I always have bad gas so I don’t think pregnancy affected it. Yep. Except that now I forget that I’m not pregnant anymore and when I fart in public it’s no longer “oh she’s pregnant” it’s “omg that woman just farted”. EXCEPT… now I blame it on the babies. HA! I want to add to this that nobody prepares you for the toxicity of BABY FARTS. They are DISGUSTING. I hope you will experience the magic that is baby SBDs. Because… wow. Sometimes I get tears, and not from joy, but from stench.

  12. January 31, 2013

    Yeah, I had this problem too. My gas has still be bad five months postpartum. I hope your body bounces back faster than mine!

  13. January 31, 2013

    This had me absolutely rolling.

  14. February 1, 2013

    Awesome! Ass cannon will be entering my vernacular now. Cats + Farting = the Perfect Post. 😉

  15. Christy #
    February 1, 2013

    haahahaha!!!!!

  16. February 1, 2013

    Hahaha! So very true. I can clear a room just as well as my Hubby now and that is saying something. I also belch louder than he does while pregnant. If only I were in college, I would win so many contests.

  17. February 3, 2013

    Ah, think of the joy in sharing these smelly tales with Chicken’s teenage friends. 🙂

  18. February 11, 2013

    I read this in the car on my celphone as we were heading north on a loooong road trip to my hubby and he is 100% in agreement with your hubby. Im still laughing at everything as its completely true! I tend to just blame it on the baby although I have been told this excuse has now worn thin and I will have to find a new one 🙂

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