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22 weeks

02/22/2013

Belle

It's been a while since we had a bad bathroom cell phone photo. Chicken Lump is growing (as is the Badonkadonk). The boobs... not so much. Solution? Add scarf to balance out ass and boobs. Did it work? (Humor me and tell me lies, sweet little lies!)

It’s been a while since we had a bad bathroom phone photo. Chicken Lump is growing, as is the Badonkadonk. The boobs… not so much. Solution? Add scarf to balance out ass and boobs. Did it work? (Humor me!)

22 weeks, Cha Cha CHA! Two more weeks to the big V (viability) meaning the Chicken could survive outside of his or her roaster – but it would not be a very good life so we’d prefer if baby stayed put!

According to varying “your baby is the size of your lunch” web sites, the Chicken is about a pound right now. Last night I thawed out two pork chops for the Professor. Living with a carnivore has taught me many things including that thou shalt not just pop expensive frozen meat into the microwave and cook the hell out of it on high heat until it is thawed and hot. Why? Because it will become rubbery and cause a lot of grumbling from the other side of the table as your husband gnaws all caveman-style on a hunk of grody meat.

No no no. Instead you weigh said frozen meat first, then put it in the microwave on “defrost” and specify the poundage. This ensures that the meat is gently thawed and then can be heated and not turn into an old shoe. Who knew? So last night I dug two chops out of the basement deep freeze (these were left over from our crown roast and braised tempeh Thanksgiving feast), removed them from their freezer packaging and weighed them – 16 oz.

“Hey babe! Your pile of meat weighs as much as the Chicken does right now!” I chirped.

“Don’t tell me that! I don’t want to eat my baby’s weight in chop!…. Mmmmm, chops….”

For the record, he ate every bit of the chops and then sat there rubbing his belly, relishing in his meat cooking abilities.

Anyways, the point of this is that the Chicken is about a pound and my husband ate about a pound of pork. Awesome, right?

In other news – I’m feeling… pregnant. This week has been hard. It’s the first week in a long while I don’t have my boundless energy. I’ve also had some bouts of nausea and vertigo which I can only assume is due to the one pound Chicken flipping and flopping in my belly. My brain seems to have checked out, too, and I’m at least three weeks behind at work which is NOT GOOD. After I finish this I need to open a can of whoop ass on this annual report and write the hell out of some shit. (That is my equivalent of a pep talk).

My boobs are not nearly as big as I had hoped “pregnant boobs” would be, but I hear they still have time. I’m cheering them on  so they can touch in the middle. As a life long flat chester I have always dreamed of cleavage.

My nipples, on the other hand, seem to be having a growth spurt and are getting bigger, which is disturbing when your boobs are still relatively small. The nips also feel like they are on FIRE a lot of time and I spend my work days hiding behind a closed-door and popping my bra down so they can chill in the open air. They like open air. They hate bras and clothing. I also think I had a little boob leakage last Friday, which was hella weird. Just a bit of wetness in my bra but it gives me a little hope that maybe these itty bitties will do a good job of feeding my big baby.

The Chicken Lump is definitely growing. I think it is finally about to balance out the butt that pregnancy has bestowed upon me. Seriously, I cannot get over this butt growth phenomenon . I am not saying that my ass is large, by any stretch, but it is about three pants sizes larger than it was 22 weeks ago – which is SHOCKING I tell you. My itty bitty titties and previously tiny bum  used to be best buds but are now jealous of each other: the butt missing its days of petite perkiness and the boobs realizing that the butt cheeks touch and bounce so nicely… why can’t they? I’ve been wearing a LOT of big scarves to try to add balance to the off kilter proportions. Something tells me I’m not fooling anyone but myself 🙂

I’ve also been hungry life the wolf. I’ll eat dinner at about 5 or 6 and come 8 be hungry again. I’ve been having home-made granola bars before bed lately. While not the healthiest option, granola bars are a hell of a lot better for the Chicken’s development then, say, that huge bag of corn chips that I want to shove my head in.

What else is noteworthy at 22 weeks? Oh! Cats!

So the Professor and I both expected our cats to become incredibly cuddly and lovey with Pregnant Belle. We were anticipating 9 months of happy cats cozying up to my growing belly and purring so the Chicken could get acquainted with them while still in the womb. No such luck. Instead our cats seem to suspect an end to their way of life and have decided to wage war. They howl, yowl, pester and poke us. They pounce each other constantly and then make angry noises when feelings are hurt. They want played with all the time, hugged all the time, fed all the time and just to be the center of our universe all the time.

“Fuss over us 24-7!!!! Is that really so much to ask?” the cats wail.

“Well, someone has to work to pay for the 120 pounds of cat litter we just ordered,” I respond.

“Oh…” and they tuck their tail and retreat for about 2 minutes before they start demanding attention again.

photo (2)

See all those boxes? That is what 120 pounds of delivered cat litter and 40 rolls of toilet paper for the pregnant peeing queen looks like. I owe our UPS guy cookies. This is also the front of our poorly landscaped house. I’m a woman of many talents – landscaping is NOT one of them. And if you look really closely you’ll notice that the “ugly shrub” that is peeking into the left corner of the photo is still sporting Christmas lights and balls. The Professor calls it our “Winter Tree.” I call it our “Tree of Shame.” It will be undecked this weekend… or else I might torch it!

And finally, no Belle pregnancy post would be complete without a report on my current pooping status. The State of Belle’s Colon is: Backed Up. Tragic. But I have hope there is an end in sight after adding a calcium/magnesium supplement back to my diet. I had been taking them daily and ran out. The grocery store was out of the Cal-Mag so I just got calcium not realizing how much the Mag might be helping my ass. Coincidence? I hope not!

And now, dear readers, I’m going to tackle the daunting stack of work-writing that has been staring at me for weeks. I wish you all a happy weekend with agreeable husbands (or wives), quiet pets, satisfying morning constitutionals and minimal, if any, butt expansion!

20 Comments

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  1. Jen #
    February 22, 2013

    Lady, you are looking damn good!

    I think my cat also senses his world about to turn upside down. He has been SO NEEDY lately and I think he’s also starting to act out. This morning he jumped on the kitchen counter right next to me (he knows this is the fastest way to get water-sprayed). Usually he at least tries to be sneaky about it.

    Good luck getting your work-writing done! Write, Belle, write!

    • February 22, 2013

      Well I’m glad I’m not alone with the naughty cats! Jay and I have been floored by the bad behavior. I envy your one cat status 🙂 Four bad cats I think is about equal to one bad toddler!

  2. jak #
    February 22, 2013

    bha!!!! you really look pregnant now:)))))) related: men have been trying to help me off the commuter train and offering me their seats on the subway – “why are people doing this?”, i think to myself… “oooohhhhh…. right, my stomach is huge. i am obviously pregnant.”

    omg, hahahaha!!!! love the boxes of cat litter. they are even kind of placed in a manner like the ups guys is saying “f*ck you.” yeah, cookies might be in order.

    everything sounds like its going great, except work, i’m with you there. have about 30 pages to pull out of my butt today as well. good luck with the whoop ass on work and have a great weekend!!

    • February 22, 2013

      i am waiting with baited breath for a stranger to PLEASE notice I’m pregnant. It does not help that it’s been cold and I’m always bundled up I’m sure. Maybe I’ll venture out without a coat this weekend and take a bus ride 🙂

  3. February 22, 2013

    Funny – we just discussed our lack of kitty snuggles last night! The mention of one of the cats’ names got her attention and she came to snuggle for a bit, but Wilson kicked her and she was out of there. It’s so weird. I blame my pregnancy pillow!

    You look terrific! I hope you’re feeling as terrific as you look! And if this helps… I’m stopped up too.

    • February 22, 2013

      While I’m sorry that you are also stopped up, it is nice to know I’m not alone (raises her 8th glass of water in a toast).

      The cats are just crazy! My friends with dogs report nothing but fuzzy love during their pregnancy. The cat folks, though, seem to be getting rebellion.

      • jak #
        February 22, 2013

        have to second your friend. my “probably-a-malinois” (he’s a rescue so we dont know for sure) puts his nose on my belly, like pushes it to my belly and tries to smell my belly, and has started sniffing my crotch like he doesnt know exactly who i am. and my rottie mix tries to herd people and other dogs away from me, like keeping watch over me. she’s always followed me around the house, but this is a new level. she creates a perimeter around me. i’m pretty sure they think we’re having a puppy and not a human baby.

        this is all thoughtful, cute and welcome and a nice reason to have dogs, on the flipside, they are hugely needy, can be destructive, and their poo is HUGE and they go several times a day. it’s enough to make a pregnant person jealous..

  4. Mel #
    February 22, 2013

    You look gorgeous!!! I love the baby belly 🙂 Hope you have a great weekend too

  5. February 22, 2013

    You look adorable! I definitely think the scarf is working 🙂

    • February 22, 2013

      Why thank you friend! I needed humoring 🙂 Now to write the boob fairy a letter requesting my pregnancy tatas tomorrow…

  6. February 22, 2013

    You look amazing! And proportional, you have nothing to worry about 🙂

  7. February 22, 2013

    Omg you have the BEST pregnancy curves! I love how your bump is nice and low down — helps make it look more like a baby is in there, rather than too much vegan chilli. Also, I think the bigger butt looks kinda sexy, like a bit J.Lo-ish. Maybe your bum is getting bigger to counter all the weight up front? I actually really hope to gain some junk in the trunk when I’m properly preggo because my ass is so flat normally.

    Also, I’ve left my Christmas lights up and re-christened them Winter Lights, which is totally acceptable.

    • February 22, 2013

      !! I’m so glad someone else still has lights up! The Professor will also be thrilled to know this 🙂

      And LOL to junk in the trunk! I think my junk is 90% toast so perhaps consider upping your toast consumption!

  8. Arbrefleur #
    February 22, 2013

    You look phenomenal!! Really. And I think the scarf is a great touch – it’s gorgeous. But even without its balancing action, as the other ladies have said…FABulous preggo curves with a tiny cute belly, everything in proportion. Jealous. As for cats, mine too have decided that they must get attention around the clock! This was not previously the case. I weep for the kitty future 🙂

  9. D #
    February 22, 2013

    Your bump is so cute!! My cats have become the same way. Every night one of them who never used to open her mouth meows, howls, and cries for hours. Every morning we find all of her toys, catnip mouse and pillows by our door. I think they know something is up. They have already been kicked out of our bedroom at night because I need all the space I can get. Soon they will be banished to the basement all night. Our poor animals are about to become the second fiddle!

  10. February 22, 2013

    If it makes you feel any better, I’ve just had to buy underwear a size bigger. Hubby insists I look the same – I know the truth. The butt.is.bigger.

    • February 22, 2013

      Ah! I was thinking about the need for new undies while digging ANOTHER wedgy out of my rump (in private!) this afternoon. I can only hope that all this butt will go to good use when it comes time to feed our babies… and that it will make a relatively timely exit so I can return to my skinny jeans! 🙂

  11. February 22, 2013

    You look GOREGOUS Belle! Love your outfit. And yes- the cats’ lives won’t be quite the same once the baby arrives, so definitely love on them a lot now. My Sam still hasn’t fully processed that Iyla is here to stay. : )

  12. February 23, 2013

    You look great!!

    The boobs may not get super big during pregnancy but may grow after if you decide to nurse. My boobs didn’t get so much bigger while pregnant but afterwards I went up a whole cup size. (Since weaning I only went down half a size, so now I am in between sizes, blah)

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