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24 weeks – Milk, Milk, Lemonade…

03/08/2013

Belle

… Around the corner the fudge factory is on strike.

Milk

It seems that despite its laughable size, my left boob is trying to do something. The past few days I’ve had evidence of small boob leaks in my bra. I’m both excited and totally grossed out.

I ordered 24 of these nice organic boob pads to keep my bras from needing washed all the time. They arrived the other day and holy hell you guys, what kinda nipples does a new mommy have? These suckers are HUGE. They are the size of my tiny boob and stick out of the top of my bra. It’s not a good look. Instead I’m using them as reusable makeup removing pads (which is working surprisingly well). No way in hell am I stuffing my bra with those.

Which brings me to my next business venture, since my butt mint idea was sort of shot down by, um, everyone. I want to open a boutique for pregnant ladies who are small chested. Here you could find maternity bras that are bust enhancing yet comfortable while not making your nipples scream in pain. You could find nursing bras that would not double as hats. You could find leaky boob pads that are the size of tiny titty nipples, not the size of your entire breast. You could find maternity shirts and jackets that are not humongous in the top (a current problem I’m dealing with). It would be delightful… and probably have a very small clientele… pun totally intended.

Lemonade

This one has two parts. First, pregnancy cravings. I am obsessed with lemonade right now. I am glad I’ve lost my pass card to our office break room because if not, I’m certain I’d be sucking down 4 bottles of Minute Maid lemonade every day. Instead, I’m enjoying cold lemon water, hot lemon water, lemon squeezed on my food and lemons directly in my mouth. Yum!

Second, peeing. The Chicken must be to the size now that he/she can really put some pressure on my bladder. Some days the peeing is reasonable. Other days, though, it feels like I have to pee as soon as I’m done pulling up my pants from a pee. Some days it HURTS so much when I have to go that it requires an altered gait down the hall to the bathroom. If people on my floor didn’t know I was pregnant before, I’m pretty sure they do now. The waddle totally gives it away. That and the ridiculous amount of toilet paper the 6th floor ladies room is suddenly going through.

Fudge

Ok, so saying the fudge factory is on strike is a little dramatic, but it sounded better then “the fudge factory is is on strike and now being staffed by scabs and is only producing half the treats.”

Pooping is not improving. I have not had a satisfying morning constitutional in quite a while. Instead I get these small teases of poo that leave me waiting for more and then… nothing. Nothing other than the Chicken floundering around. It seems he is extremely active after I try to poop. I’m sure he is in there cheering the bowels on, “Go poop, GO! SQUEEEEEEEEZE! You can do it! Baby needs a poop-free home!”

Alas, it’s not working. Between baby’s cheers and my cheers and now the husbands’ cheers (he is really tired of “fudge factory” updates) we have the biggest non-sports oriented house of cheering ever. Bummer. I’ll be asking my doctor at today’s 24 week appointment what she feels is the best poo-inducing medication for pregnancy.

Other Notes

I shared my bump popping update the other day. Otherwise, things seem to be progressing pretty uneventfully. I’m starting to not sleep so well, and find myself waking up around midnight each night and am unable to fall back into a sound sleep until about 2, which is totally lame because my alarm goes off at 4:30.

My nose is on a runny rampage. I was not aware that pregnancy can cause your allergies to go bonkers. I’ve been a sneezing snotting mess for quite a while, but that’s ok. I’ll take that over some of the other, less desirable second trimester things I’ve heard rumors of.

My hair is looking fantastic. It’ll be a sad, sad day when the post pregnancy shed happens.

I’ve been told by many that “I’m glowing,” which is terribly nice of them. I don’t feel very glowy. I feel snotty, constipated and kinda tubby.

I think we’ll end this post on my most delightfully disgusting pregnancy complication – farts. They are still present despite a marked reduction in my bean intake. Now, however, the farts have a little friend that sometimes tags along – pee. Sometimes when I fart really largely a little pee squeaks out. It is disgusting. I really wish people told me this when I was hemorrhaging our trust fund (which is our only substantial retirement plan) on IVF.

And now I’m going to go do some kegels.

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22 Comments

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  1. jak #
    March 8, 2013

    HAHAHA!!! great post. totally had me laughing.

    i’m with you on the boob leak stuff. at first i thought, “holy shit!!!!! my boobs are infected!!!!!!” because yellow to clear stuff was coming out of them. i guess until now i’ve always thought of them as something like doilies on a table – some people like them, but overall, they serve no purpose and just get in the way when you want to move things around. but i guess they are real working organs after all. silly me! i like your idea of makeup pads. very clever!

    sorry about your butt. i hope the problem, er, passes, hehehe. how’s your veggie to carb ratio? getting enough greens compared to tans and wheats? also, i think gluten free, as much as some people like it and celiac patients need it, can block up the plumbing. i am a wheat fan, and so is my bum.

    no thoughts on the farts and/or fart/pees except maybe wearing a panty liner and keeping up the kegels? good luck:)

    • March 8, 2013

      Yeah, lots of greens and veggies and whole grains. I really think it is just a space/progesterone issue. I’ve had “issues” my entire life but they always respond to a little Colace and extra water and greens. Not these days, though. It’s time to pull out the midsized guns – maybe some milk of mag is needed this weekend!

  2. Melanie #
    March 8, 2013

    Great post! Especially with the pee thing..no one talks about it, but I’m sure it happens to a lot of us..
    I’m waiting for my 2nd and last transfer in a hotel room in Vancouver and reading your posts distracts and make me feel normal.
    I have a little girl already so when I saw the part on pads, it totally made me laughs. I had and now have again small breast that usually can be contained in a tank top. The pads, even larger then my nipples, were much needed. In the night, if my little girl would skip a lunch, the pad would not be enough, I would have to put 2 at times to make sure the bed sheets would not be stained by my fatty milk. I totally agree that a store for petite women would be awesome, but keep your large pads, they might be handy when your milk production goes “wow I’m spurting in my husband eye” kinda time…

    • March 8, 2013

      I’m sending you nothing but good thoughts for your transfer! Do let me know how how it goes.
      Also, I can’t wait to squirt the Professor in the eye!

  3. March 8, 2013

    Eeeewww, fudge and scabs should not be in the same sentence! I actually think you’re onto something with the small-chested, petite pregnant women thing… perhaps not a full-on storefront or anything, but I’ll bet you could create a market for that online. Omg, you could so easily sew together some tiny nipple covers with adorable, stylish fabric too!! Put that on Etsy, stat!!

    Also, ahem, where is our latest bump pic? 😉

    • March 8, 2013

      Bump pic this weekend, promise. It’s too dark to get a good shot in the early morning so I need to do it on weekends 🙂

  4. ecutri #
    March 8, 2013

    I am in love with this post. I so hope I have such good humor and enthusiasm as you when this IVF thing finally works! Thanks for always keeping me entertained 🙂

    • March 8, 2013

      The only thing you can do after spending all this money to pee your pants is have a good sense of humor about it! I hope very much that you get to enjoy it soon yourself 🙂

  5. March 8, 2013

    I drank so much lemonade when I was pregnant! There was a place near work that made fresh lemonade and I’d embarrassingly order two with my bocadillo 🙂

    Hope you get some good news today! Thinking of you…

    • March 8, 2013

      Also re. leakage… 1. Your boobs will get bigger. 2. Yes, other women have big nipples. I only recently realized mine were abnormally small. 3. You may leak from your areola too, and you may leak a lot. Like A LOT. Save some of those breast pads. (I too leaked during pregnancy, but it’s nothing compared to the flood of dairy staining all my shirts, pajamas, bedding, etc. now.)

  6. heatherwallen #
    March 8, 2013

    Hi Belle,
    With you on the hyperactive and ready to go boobs. I’m 23w6d today and yup, a few days ago I had the same thing — bright yellow colostrum. Luckily as long as I leave my boobs 100% ALONE and untouched, they don’t leak now – whew! Also re the constipation, I was suffering so, so badly and I finally gave in and tried Miralax on my OB’s recommendation – one scoop a day in 4-8 oz of water. It’s like magic — took 2 days to work, but wow, relief. My fears that once I started taking something like that I wouldn’t be able to wean off it were unfounded — I don’t take it every day, just when the system seems to be backing up … highly recommend it.

  7. March 8, 2013

    The cloth pads are not meant to be the size of the nipple, and if you have good supply you will be surprised to see that you will soak them! Even those big ones! So don’t get rid of them yet. They are useful. I actually really liked the big ones but I had to wear bigger bras / bras with padding in order to hide them under my shirts (but it was worth it sometimes, they were much plusher than the smaller, thinner pads).

    • March 8, 2013

      Also, colace is safe while pregnant. When I was in the hospital at 32 weeks having potential pre-term labor they were giving me 3 colace per day (!!) in order to make sure I didn’t have to strain AT ALL while pooping.

  8. Ginny #
    March 8, 2013

    I second the bump pic demand!! We are supposed to have great weather this weekend so a good opportunity to get a well-lit bump pic – also, yes, Colace or Milk of Mag for you madam, on the double!

  9. March 8, 2013

    I pee a little when I sneeze standing up. When I feel a sneeze coming on, I literally have to cross my knees so that I don’t pee. This gives it away to B every time, and if I don’t cross my knees, he hears an, “ah jeez,” out of me as I sprint to the bathroom. I hate telling you this, but it just gets worse. And God forbid you ever throw up again while pregnant because it will not be just a little pee when that happens (I had to go home from work one morning due to this).

    Those breast pads are huge because of ALL the leaking you’ll do later on. They need to be big to absorb the milk, or you’d be changing them every damned day. No fun.

    • March 8, 2013

      I meant “all damned day,” not every damned day. You’ll likely change them twice a day… again.. no fun!

  10. aj #
    March 8, 2013

    You are too funny! This post cracked me up. I went through a lemonade phase written I was pregnant too…so good!!

  11. March 8, 2013

    I went through a lemonade/lime phase when I was prego too. First craving was lemon meringue pie. I still love lemonade and limeade. I love your posts!!

  12. Trish #
    March 8, 2013

    Hi Belle,
    First I want you to know how much I enjoy your posts. Cracks me up every time!! I love your Chicken stories.
    As a side note I thought I’d give you the sure fire way to clear the pipes. We call it a black and tan at work (I’m a nurse) mix milk of mag with prune juice- works every time but beware, you better be close to a bathroom. If you don’t want the ass explosion version you could try warm prune juice with a little butter… it’ll make it slide right out.
    Too much info? Sorry. But I swear it will help!
    Thanks again for your awesome blog.

  13. Shinara #
    March 9, 2013

    hahahahahah…..your too funny.

    I have been inhaling grapefruits like they are going out of style for over a month now. mmmm….

    and I need a maternity store for really tall people. I have been wearing the same pants now for 3 months. ugh.

  14. Shinara #
    March 9, 2013

    Paying $180 for a pair of jeans is just plain horrifying.

  15. March 9, 2013

    YOu’re too funny, Belle.
    I remember the not being able to sleep in the middle of the night. (Sort of like now, but without the little one on the outside keeping you awake.) My saving grace was playing on FB and reading books from my phone. It’s lightweight and didn’t have to turn on any lights.

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