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Beach preparation: self tanner, bikini lines and mouth breathing



Tarte - Brazilliance™ Skin Rejuvenating Maracuja Face And Body Self Tanner

Cross fingers that this works as well for me as it did for the reviewers!

Hey y’all! I missed yesterday’s post due to some work travel but I’m back today and ready to dazzle you with some VERY exciting topics 😉

My nose might be starting to calm down, and the rash on my belly is finally starting to clear up. I’m still unbelievably snotty but the pain in my face has gone away, making me think I might be healing? Hopefully this is not the calm before another painful snot storm. I see Dr. Shannon this afternoon at 4:30 and I’ll ask if there is anything she wants me to be taking. I suspect I’ll get more “tough it out” from her too, though.

According to the Professor I was mouth breathing all night… and making tons of not at all sexy sounds. He was so sweet and did an impression. I was humiliated. Dammit  you guys, why does pregnancy make us so gross? I want to be his radiant, glowing vessel of life. Not his snotty, farting, mouth breathing whale of a wife! Oh well. Maybe we’ll have sex again in 2014.

I’m still planning on going to the beach tomorrow, sinuses be damned. Two nights ago I dug out my swim suits and tried them all on. I deemed two bikini’s to be borderline acceptable, meaning they did not show too much cellulitic butt cheek nor did they pinch my new hip chub. I’m still on the fence if the bump looks pregnant when bare. When I see certain angles of myself in passing I’m all “Whooooo! Look at that preggo!” But in the comfort of my own home the bump still looks a little more like a lump. Lump or bump, I”m not letting a little butt cellulite and questionable belly detour me from basking in some delightful Florida sun!

One thing I noticed when trying on swim suits was the current state of my hair. First we have the hair on my head, which is more lush than it has ever been. I’m absolutely in love with pregnancy head hair! Then we have this pale fur that has spouted all over my belly that is both lush and disgusting. If I weren’t such a chicken I might wax it before going to the beach but something about hot wax on my baby lump seems… dangerous. And finally, we have the hair on my nether regions which is, um, also lush? I’m sure this is TMI but wow, things are crazy down there and not tucking neatly away into my swim bottoms meaning some serious landscaping is in order. BUT, and there is always a but, it is kinda hard to get down there right now with this Chicken Lump/Bump. It’s going to take some smoke and mirrors to get things cleaned up tomorrow before we hop on the plane.

And finally, self tanner. Usually before I go to the beach I spend a few weekends laying out to get a base tan so my extremely pasty body does not burn to a crisp or scare anyone. During pregnancy, however, I’m really hesitant to expose any portion of my self to the sun without first slathering on SPF 100,000,000. Not only has pregnancy graced my body with extra hair (everywhere) it has also covered me with all these red spider veins. I already had quite a few from sun damage as a kid and teen and I’m not eager to add even more. After lots of research and a few chats with various sales associates at Sephora I purchased my first bottle of sunless tanner! I’m SUPER excited to try this stuff out! The associate showed me how to use it and it seems pretty fool-proof and, honestly, even if I do end up an orange streaky mess it won’t matter a whole lot because, hello I’m hairy, have butt and thigh cellulite and am sporting a big baby belly. A little orange streaking would only add some much needed comedic relief! 🙂


A quick update on Operation S.O.S. (Sell Our Shit): We have sold $511 in shit so far. I’m proud of our progress and will be even more proud after the first garage sale and I can reclaim some space in the house!

Currently we have this  china set listed on Craigslist. I sure hope someone gives it a home. It’s pretty and stuff, but not my style. I am also death to dishware and really am better off with Ikea and Corelle!



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  1. April 23, 2013

    Have you ever tried body sugaring? I actually prefer it to waxing. It’s all natural, doesn’t require as much heat, and hurts less (in my opinion).

    I’ve pretty much given up on trying to groom down there. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about wearing beach clothes any time soon. 🙂

  2. jak #
    April 23, 2013

    fuzzy bellies unite!!! i’m sporting fuzz as well:) but i have no plans to go to the beach. and what’s with everyone suggesting swimming as exercise during pregnancy? i havent been able to see down there to shave for 3 months now. i tried. but ended up cutting myself. i suggest you ask the professor for help or you may end up fuzzy and bloodied.

    sounds like selling stuff is going pretty well! happy for you:) that china set is actually very nice as china sets go. i like the crisp edges. but alas, i cannot be trusted with dishes of any type. especially saucers. i have smashed several of them in the kitchen sink, sometimes on the floor, in hormone-induced rages. i used to get pissed off and throw dishes *some* of the time. now it is quite frequent. we only have 2 saucers left.


    • April 23, 2013

      Too funny! I break dishes on accident all the time, however, in the throws of IVF I had NUMEROUS intense urges to just go into the kitchen and break shit. I know a few days after my miscarriage the urge was so intense it scared me!

      • jak #
        April 23, 2013

        looks like if either of us are going to have more kids, we’d better switch to paper plates;)

  3. Romy #
    April 23, 2013

    I’ve been getting Brazilian waxes for a while now – before I got pregnant I’d skip them whenever I was too lazy to book an appointment and go, but now that I can’t see around my belly anymore (and my husband is too chicken to help me shave), they are a must.
    I’m so jealous of your vacation! We actually wanted to go on a pre-baby getaway somewhere in the U.S., possibly go back to California (we were there last July), but I found out that travel insurance will only cover me, not the baby, so that if I were to go into labour in the U.S., the baby’s medical expenses would be out of pocket. And while I’m sure you have an awesome medical system, I’m terrified of ever landing in a U.S. hospital without proper insurance, since all we ever hear about in the media up here is how insanely expensive your health care is.
    So anyway, have fun prepping for the beach and enjoy your trip! I’m sure you’ll look very pregnant to everyone else who hasn’t seen your body grow incrementally as you have, and will just see a 30 week pregnant woman 🙂

  4. April 23, 2013

    I am too nervous to get a Brazilian now that I am pregnant- with all of the extra blood flood it has got to be painful. I had one while I was just on the IVF drugs and it hurt like hell- and usually I didn’t think they were too bad. I told my husband that he may get 70s bush throughout my pregnancy….and just to tell me when I need to do some landscaping. HA!

  5. April 23, 2013

    Eeeek! I love it! If you dont post pics, please email/text me some bikini pics friend!!! I’m so proud of you for flaunting your beautiful pregnant self! And, really, who cares about your mouth breathing. YOU’RE GROWING A LITTLE HUMAN IN THERE!!! Don’t worry about the sounds/smells that our society deems un-lady-like. That is B.S. since they are very common in pregnancy and only ladies get pregnant. LOVE YOU!

  6. Shinara #
    April 23, 2013

    TMI….how about a cute flirty miniskirt/bikini bottom. You could sew one real quick. Hopefully to match your bikini top.

  7. April 23, 2013

    I love boy shorts bathing suit bottoms!!!

    Pregnancy is unglamorous. There is a lot of oozing from orifices that happens that people don’t talk about. I’ll let you in on the big secret – THIS DOESN’T STOP AFTER THE BABY COMES, JUST MAYBE COMES FROM DIFFERENT ORIFICES AND MAYBE NOT YOUR OWN. ❤

  8. April 24, 2013

    So jealous of this vacation!

    And must also file away this pregnancy-hair information for later use.

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