I started Hypnobabies this week. The 30 minute guided meditations are making me increasingly aware of how I am failing to connect with this baby. The cd’s ask you to think about your baby, connect with your baby, imagine holding your baby and so on. Hard as I try, I just can’t connect like this and am really struggling to shake the feeling of failure.
I did not make this baby. I did not put this baby inside of me. I did not administer the medications that kept the baby thriving for the first 12 weeks. On ultrasound this baby does not resemble me in the least – it looks like my husband. This baby has hair (I did not). This baby has my husband’s legs, his nose, his face shape, his mouth. This baby was paid for by someone else (my in-laws who now jokingly refer to themselves as the “investors”). This baby was made by someone else with parts of me that were extracted in a painful, invasive way.
This baby just does not feel like mine and the cd’s are making it blatantly obvious that something inside of me is broken.
I don’t know if this is a normal feeling with an IVF pregnancy. No one has talked about feelings like these so I’ve been stuffing them away for a while now, trying to pretend like I get it and I’m ready for it. But I don’t and I’m not.
Today I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, questioning everything and, quite frankly, don’t know where to turn. My therapist has left the practice leaving me with another woman who does not understand the pain of infertility or loss. My husband is too consumed with work. I’m too embarrassed to bring this up with Dr. Shannon (who the hell feels this way anyways?) My parents will either give me the standard “you chose this path and now have to deal with the consequences” response or, worse, will blow it off as “just being hormonal.” Trust me, after years of PCOS and hormone imbalances I know what feeling hormonal is and this, this is not it.
I’m going out on a limb posting this, and I’ll be turning on comment moderation to spare myself the embarrassment of harsh words. Has anyone pregnant after IVF struggled with this sort of disconnect in the third trimester? What can I do to make it go away? I want to feel connected. I want to visualize myself holding my baby. I want to be a good mother and am so afraid these feelings are the first sign of parenting failure.