Well shoot, you guys. When I turned on comment moderation I did not expect to get 50 kind, moving and very personal comments flooding my inbox. The first handful made me such a sobbing emotional mess that I had to wait to read the rest until I was in the comfort of my own sewing room, not in my office. This morning I approved all of them and decided to combine some of my responses into a second post, because this is clearly something many of us have struggled with. Even women who conceived naturally and have not dealt with infertility and/or loss have battled some feelings of disconnect with their baby while he/she was still in utero. And many, many women admitted to not immediately bonding with their baby even after birth.
I’m relieved to learn that these feelings are “normal.” I wish it lessened my anxiety, but it does not. I tried to convey my feelings to the Professor today and all that happened was I ended up crying – again. He just does not get it and is, honestly, very poor support when I try to talk to him about any fears or concerns. I do believe that in time I’ll bond with this little human who I fought so damn hard for. I do believe that even if he/she looks and acts just like my husband that somewhere in there I’ll see a little bit of me. Until then, though, I think I’m just in for some hard days and nights.
One reader referenced all the other crap going on in my life right now and I’m absolutely certain this is not helping with bonding. Add in our uncertainty about Chicken’s placenta and cord and no wonder I am struggling to bond with my baby. No wonder childbirth education is giving me fits of heartburn. It’s damn near impossible to visualize myself as a mom right now. So I’m going to try and cut myself some slack and do what little things I can to facilitate bonding. Maybe a little sewing for baby, washing some onsies and buying some sheets for our co-sleeper. Maybe I’ll get another prenatal massage.
I’m also surprised by how many women had to stop the Hypno Babies program and turn to another birthing method. Those who know me in real life, and I guess those who have been reading me for a while, know I’m not a quitter. Instead I’ll fight to the bloody end to complete something no matter how much it hurts. This is a GREAT quality in an employee who is fighting to produce a prize-worthy feature story. This is not a great quality when it comes to things that slowly, or quickly, chip away at your sanity. I did a lot of thinking last night and feel like I owe HypnoBabies a little more time. I will trudge through the first two weeks of the program and if I still feel anxiety over it, I’ll quit. Oh, just typing that makes me want to hit delete. Quitting is so lame 🙂
I have more to write based on comments received yesterday, but I’m going to sit on it a bit. It’s a deeply personal topic and I’m not quite ready to open it up to the world. I do want to thank everyone who responded and offered support by sharing words of wisdom, past experiences or just saying that they were thinking about me. I’m constantly amazed at how damn hard pregnancy after infertility is and am eternally grateful for this community and the ability to connect with so many women who have been down this path before me.