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The Diva Cup Winner Is…. (and shower recap)



Lisa! Lady, based on your comment, you truly deserve this cycle after a 2-3 month-long bleed post BFN. I hope this cup brings you amazing luck, or at least some added comfort during your cycle. I’ll be emailing you in a few to get your address and will pop this in the mail later this week. xoxo



Our shower on Saturday was AMAZING. My friend K organized and through the entire thing, going WAY above and beyond the call of duty. She also made the above bad ass Chicken cake pops! And a slew of other decorations, favors, party games and delicious food. Her party planning abilities never cease to amaze me! There are a few more photos on my mother-in-law’s memory card I’ll snag tonight and share with you. Unfortunately we did not get a lot of pictures because my memory card was at the office and her camera died after about 15 minutes!

Quite a few of the Professor’s colleagues came to this shower. I have not met these folks after spending the last year in the throes of treatment or feeling to insecure about this pregnancy to venture out of my circle of friends. New friends would want to talk to me like a normal fertile and I just could not handle the risk. I now regret that decision deeply. The Professor has been open with his coworkers about our struggle. Several have been a huge support to HIM when he is uncertain or scared. Every single one of them were so warm, so kind and, quite frankly, incredibly fun that I felt intensely guilty for not having met them sooner. I’m so glad my husband has had his own support system for the days upon days when I was being a terrible support to him.

Along the same lines, K had announced her second pregnancy shortly after my miscarriage. I was a shitty ass friend to her for the first 6 months of her healthy pregnancy because I just could not stand to be near a happy, full uterus. My other friend, M, drove her four-month old and husband 6+ hours to join our celebration. She got her positive pregnancy test around my first positive. I lost my baby, she did not. I was also a tremendously shitty friend to her for months and months after my loss. My other very old friend KB drove 8+ hours with her husband to join in our celebration. When she turned down a beer Friday night I was suspicious but kept my mouth shut. Saturday afternoon I offered her lemonade “since it appears she was not drinking” *wink wink.* She smiled coyly and so kindly said that she was waiting until after our celebration to chat with me about things. I was so moved by her kindness to wait to tell me, even though I disappeared from her life for months after my loss, too. (In addition, I’m absolutely bursting at the seams that she is a PCOS success story – a natural conception after working her tail off to lose weight and get into excellent health. I’m so stinking excited for her!)

I have not been a great friend to these ladies. I was pathetic support to two of them when they were pregnant, a time that even the most fertile woman needs support of her girlfriends. The fact that months later they all went out of their way to come to our shower to support the Professor and I has made me cry more than a handful of times (and is making me cry again as I write this).

I had written a toast to K, M and KB that I intended to give at the shower after we opened gifts, but I kept having to choke back tears and was never able to get the words out. In the event they are reading now – I love you guys so much and despite my ability to write 3,000 words about constipation, am finding it very, very hard to conjure up a few sentences to express my gratitude.  I’ll keep working on it and mail it to you soon. xoxo


Today at 3 p.m.  is our scan with Dr. TeleMed. This morning’s checkup with Dr. Shannon did not go as well as I had hoped. She suspects Chicken is now breech and seemed concerned that his/her movements are not very defined and I’m unable to tell what is a kick or a punch. I’m extremely anxious now and having anxiety shits, something I thought I’d left behind at the end of the first trimester. Guess not. At least I”ll have a clean colon for the ultrasound. (Am I the only person who worries that the ultrasound tech is looking at my colon and noting that I’m loaded to the brim with shit?) I’ll give you all a quick update after the scan and more details, if necessary, tomorrow.



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  1. May 20, 2013

    The shower sounds amazing. Can’t wait to see pictures!

    I can’t tell what’s a kick or a punch either. I didn’t realize that was something to be worried about. Did they explain why that’s a concern?

  2. May 20, 2013

    I’m so happy that you had such an awesome shower, that’s so amazing and getting to celebrate with friends is just beautiful. Not sure if this will help or not but when I was pregnant with Molly I couldn’t tell if I was getting kicked or punched. Do some deep breathing and try to keep your head clear it just really sucks that you have to go into your check with Telemed in an anxious state. I’ll be sending good thoughts and vibes to you and chicken today hang in there!!

  3. May 20, 2013

    I could never tell kick vs punch – I only made it to 34 weeks and there were a lot of limbs in there, but I couldn’t tell the difference (I usually could tell which baby but that was it). Also, if Chicken is breech the way Apple was, his feet were up by his head so I don’t know that there was much of a difference between kicks and punches! Sending you good thoughts!

  4. May 20, 2013

    This was nice to read. I’m still in the “being a shitty friend” stage to many and I honestly think it will take a full uterus or child in my arms before I ca pickup the pieces. I know they try to understand and I hope they can become a part of my life again one day when I’m ready.

  5. Lisa #
    May 20, 2013

    Wow, I am a new reader who can relate to so much of what you write here! I too have withdrawn during our 2.5 years of infertility (so far) and I recently met a colleague of my husband who said he started to not believe my husband really had a wife since I would never go out with them. I felt so badly at that moment since my husband had invited me multiple times to meet these friends and I would decline each time, until finally he insisted that I come along. Likewise, I also have had a friend who I withdrew from during her pregnancy and I also feel guilty about that too. Thanks for writing here, it feels good to know that other women go through similar things!

  6. Melanie #
    May 20, 2013

    Tears of joy for you, and tears of understanding the complexity of wanting to be opened and happy for your friends and not having these feelings at all in reality. Again, I feel sooooo normal reading you! By the way, I went through a scan once where my RE asked if I had any trouble with diarrhea… He could totally see my colon spazzing… I had the tears of laughter going down that day when I told that to my hubby and girl friend…they do see most of it I guess…

  7. May 20, 2013

    I could never tell what was a kick or a punch either! I’m surprised they’re concerned about that. Hell, the elbows and knees and such all felt the same to me.

    We all go through phases of being shitty friends while in the midst of an ALI journey. It sounds like you guys came through it stronger than ever though, and that’s awesome. 🙂

  8. May 20, 2013

    Your shower sounds wonderful! I love those cake pops! How nice that the professor had a support system all his own. I know that you wish you’d gotten to know them sooner, but I think it’s neat that he had his own network of friends to lean on when things were hard. What’s important is that you know them now!

    So your scan.. umm… no one has ever asked me if I can tell the difference between a punch and a kick. In fact, I was just thinking that the other day, that I never know if it’s a knee or elbow jabbing me. I’ve never been able to tell what’s a butt or a head. I hope all goes well!

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