I thought baby turned for all of one day this weekend. I was so hopeful when I felt a mass down low in my pelvis that I emailed my doctor asking for an earlier scan this morning. She was happy to oblige. Today’s scan revealed one perfectly sized for natural birthing baby, one wonky ass bi-lobed placenta, one cord that is doing a fine job at being a cord and one baby with his/her head straight up in my left lung, feet up in my right lung and rump off to the right hip bone.
Not at all in the right position.
I had a breech massage this weekend and sobbed to the sweet lady. I sobbed to my husband. I sobbed to my mother. I cried as I sent a friend text messages about baby’s position. I cried at the doctor today as she set up my ECV for next Monday at 8 a.m. I’m to plan on going home afterwards but still bring a bag “just in case.” The doctor was not super optimistic about the ECV being successful with all the placenta up in there. She also wonders if this is why baby can’t get turned around properly – he/she is definitely trying each night and I have the bruised belly button and aching abdomen to prove it.
I’m going to keep doing everything this week and pray for a miracle. Moxa, inversions, walking, sitting on the exercise ball, hypnosis and attempting positive visualization, which is hard when every doctor you see just casually says “Well we will just have a c-section then!” like it is the flavor of the day.
I’m terrified of having a c-section. I’m so scared of it affecting bonding, which has been a struggle this entire time. I’m afraid of not being able to breast feed because we don’t get immediate skin to skin (still fighting for this but it is not looking good). I’m scared of the drugs making me or baby sick. I’m scared of baby not breathing properly. I’m afraid of having reactions to the pain medicine – something that happens every time I have a procedure and I end up just being able to take Tylenol.
I’m scared of surgical complications.
I know you guys are going to cheer me on and remind me that the vast majority of c-sections are safe! And that things are fine! And it is routine! Go Belle and Chicken go! But the scary/sad truth remains that EVERYTHING in this pregnancy and my reproductive history (and medical history in general) has fallen into that tiny little category of “shit, that NEVER happens.” I can’t remember the last time I went to a doctor and left without a medical professional telling me how strange, rare, broken, whatever I am. This does not give me a lot of faith that I won’t end up in that tiny percentage you read about on message boards.
And we won’t even delve into the pride aspects.
I’m ranting and I know a lot of you are rolling your eyes and thinking I should just get over it. I’m sure I will in time but right now this is scary stuff and putting my baby and my body in the hands of someone else is, well, overwhelming. I’d like some extra toast and Prozac, please. Unfortunately, I’m trying to keep Chicken from getting too big so the ECV might work so toast bingeing is not an option, and the Prozac… well that is a post for later.
I have another post in the drafts folder that I had planned to share today. I’ve had my fill of tears at the moment, though, so we’ll hold that one for another day or two. In the meantime, I’m now accepting jokes in my comment thread. My mood needs elevating and I’m not too proud to request jokes to help with it! I’m also pretty sure that on a Monday others could use some jokes 🙂