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The Other Side



Sabine and I at Astoria Park in Queens.

Sabine and I at Astoria Park in Queens.

I feel human again. I did not realize how much day after day after day of baby and cat talk was starting to wear on me. Yesterday was the first meeting of the Mommy and Me group. I walked the few blocks to the church where and by the time I got there I was a sweaty mess. 50% of the sweat was because we were having a hell of a hot day in NYC. The other 50% was from nerves.

Not only was I walking into a room full of mothers I had never met, I was walking into a situation that was completely foreign to me. A Mommy Group? Seriously, ask any infertile still in the trenches and the mere mention of it will make them green in the face. “I’ll never go to such things,” I used to swear as I bent over and presented my bare ass for my husband to jab yet another 1.5 inch needle.

Little did I know that once I achieved motherhood I would feel alone, isolated and, well, crazy from a lack of adult interaction. Add to that a brand new city and you get a shell of a woman. So I ate more words and went to the group and boy am I glad I did. I found a room full of moms and kids all of whom were so sweet and welcoming. Sabine and I hung out on the play mat with the other little babies and moms. By the end of the two hours plans had been made for several mamas to join me on Friday at the Stroller Exercise Group that meets at a neighborhood park. Another mama said we should connect to take daily walks, as her little one also loves taking morning walks.

It felt SO GOOD to meet other women and feel like ย part of a community. I’ve felt isolated from the bulk of my peers for a long, long time. I was the only one without a child, be it biological, adopted or step, and while I was rarely shunned for my situation I was still “different.” There were still long pauses in conversation as people struggled with what to say around me, and as I struggled to keep a “happy face” despite intense envy and sadness. Yesterday was different, though. Yesterday I was just another mama, with her little baby, tired and stinky but full of love and pride.

Last year at this time I was having my second FET, and it was failing. I was a mental disaster after my miscarriage and working through PTSD with the help of a counselor and Prozac. In one miraculous year I have made it to the other side and it feels, well, it feels damn amazing and every exhausted, unshowered, nipple biting day I thank whoever is up there looking over me, and pray that every woman who dreams of being a mama will make it to the other side.



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  1. September 12, 2013

    Yes, yes, yes! Never has eating words tasted so damn good!

  2. Elizabeth #
    September 12, 2013

    Gave me goosebumps. Rock on.

  3. September 12, 2013

    YAY! Glad you went!!! I don’t know what I would do without my mommy group! I seriously don’t. I love them. It is what makes me not want to leave this neighborhood despite all the other problems I have with it. Go on those walks! Meet in the coffee shop! Do the baby yoga classes together! Have a beer together while the babies are still little (drink the milk-supply-improving kinds of beers, haha). There is so much you can do with your babies when they are so little and immobile, it is a great time to meet and connect with other moms. Once the babies start moving, the conversations become much more brief and interrupted haha.

  4. September 12, 2013

    What are the supply improving beers? Inquiring minds would like to know ๐Ÿ™‚

    • September 12, 2013

      I myself enjoy Newcastle! Anything that is a dark brew. Guiness is supposedly good, but I hate the taste.

  5. nonsequiturchica #
    September 12, 2013

    Yay! I’m so glad that your meet-up with other moms went well. I think that any time a person goes through a life- changing event (in your case two- moving and having a baby), it’s always nice to meet some new people that can help you with all of your questions and verify that you are not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. September 12, 2013

    Can I get a what what? Sooo glad you went to that group. I went to mine yesterday, and it’s a lifesaver. I never in a million years thought that I would go to one of those, but it has given me the confidence to take Shira out on more than just strolls around the block, which has been HUGE, and I’ve met some really nice mamas. You may be surprised as to how many people deal with IF–there are three IVF babies in my group, and when we went around to share our stories during the first day of class, there were a lot of tears as to what many of the moms in my group did to get there. Don’t know if you’ve shared with the other moms yet, but perhaps as the group gains speed, you’ll find you’re not the only one who if a proud mama and survivor of this shitty deal called IF.

  7. September 12, 2013

    Yay! Glad you went to a new mama group! Mine saved me in the beginning, I would go once a week and end up balling my eyes out because my husband was away and my baby wouldn’t sleep…aw…good memories ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. September 12, 2013

    I’m totally jealous. Mine sucked. Was 2 hours weekly of a speaker talking about sleeping/nutrition/car seat safety etc. no fun visiting at all. And of the 6 ladies, I liked and kept in touch with one. And she was the only one not from my end of town :(. I was so hoping for a group just like you’ve described. What a great way to get started on your new life in NYC!

  9. September 12, 2013

    Being on the other side is interesting. I find myself doing more things on my “I’ll never” list with each day I spend with the babies. I will never forget the scars of infertility and will forever be mindful of those still struggling, but the scars are a bit lighter with each day I’m on the other side. It makes my heart happy to see you on this side too.

  10. jak #
    September 12, 2013

    the other side is sweet, for sure. but for myself, i’ve still got all kinds of fears that this awesome situation is going to be ripped away from me. totally irrational fears, but they are there. looks like someone hasnt dealt with her IF emotional baggage yet, hahahahahaha:)

    glad youre enjoying your group! want to hear more about the adventures of mommy and bean in the big city!!!

  11. Esperanza #
    September 13, 2013

    Yay for making friends. I’m so glad you’re out and meeting people. That is really hard to do but so, so necessary. I hope you find some women that you click with!

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