One. According to Three Dog Night it is “the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.”
“Two can be as bad as one, it’s the loneliest number since the number one.”
This has been running through my head for months now. One. One baby. One remaining embryo. One last chance? One perfect life already?
For some, one is the loneliest number that there ever was. For me, though, it is happiest number. Because one is so, so, so much better than none. But how do you explain this to people who just don’t understand infertility and the joy that one brings? So many people think that just one child is sad, unfair and, dare I say it, lonely.
“It’s not much fun playing board games by yourself,” my husband once said waaaay back before we entered the world of infertility treatment. He is an only child. Just one.
I love my No. 1. I am thankful every. single. day. for my one child, my one pregnancy and my one birth (albeit different from planned it was still perfect). And up until three months ago I was satisfied with one. And then the bill came for our quarterly embryo storage. We have one embryo left.
“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.”
Let’s back track. My IVF egg collection produced 27 eggs of which 24 fertilized. I was FILLED with joy and delusions of many babies. As the days ticked by, the embryos started to falter and by day six we were left with six beautiful blastocysts. My six-pack.
The first transfer we thawed and transferred one embryo, which resulted in a pregnancy that miscarried around 7 weeks due to Trisomy 15.
The next cycle two embryos were thawed. One survived and was transferred. Negative beta several days later.
The third transfer two embryos were thawed, both survived and were transferred and one eventually resulted in this adorable baby.
That leaves one embryo. One chance at two. But with a final chance comes the potential for tremendous heartache. An embryo that does not survive thaw. A negative beta. Another miscarriage. Or it could bring me a second child.
A second child would create a host of new challenges. The Professor and I are a little older but are just embarking on our careers. We do not have robust retirement savings and we are not sure where we will be four years from now. With one child we can afford to help her with college. We can take vacations as a family and expose her to all kinds of amazing things. Two, though, would be hard on us financially and would really limit the experiences we could provide our children.
Another FET cycle is also extremely expensive for us. It requires finding a new RE in New York and then paying to transfer that one remaining embryo. Or it means traveling to Ohio for the transfer. It means more injections and more crazy town with progesterone. It means so many things. I would consider trying a natural cycle and just flying to Ohio when I am about to ovulate to transfer without any medication, but let’s be real here – I don’t cycle on my own. Like at all. I don’t even cycle when on birth control. The chance of me catching a rare ovulation is one in a million.
And finally, what is the probability that this one embryo will actually survive thaw and produce a viable pregnancy. Do I want to get my hopes all up just to fail? I would like to say I could walk into the transfer totally realistic and comfortable with whatever outcome but come on… you all know the rat race that is infertility treatment. It messes with your head and your ability to remain reasonable disappears. I am going to call the clinic in Ohio as soon as I am done with this post and discuss options and probabilities with them.
Have any of you found yourself in similar situations? Are you happy with your one, or will you continue through treatments in search of two. If you have two, how does your life compare now to how it was with one?