Things over here have been tiring. We had a few amazing nights that left us so hopeful that she would train herself and we would never have to move onto the next step. Then last night she woke twice and required nursing to go back to sleep and was up for the day at 6:30 a.m. Today she has been fighting naps like crazy and has only napped for a total of one hour with lots of crying and fighting. Unfortunately a few nights of good sleep are not enough to relieve 9 months of insane sleep deprivation. I’ll update the sleep logs tonight and post them in a separate post for those who are curious. This Thursday we will proceed with the next step of training – sleeping through the night. It’s going to be rough and none of us are looking forward to it. Including the cats.
I’ve been dealing with some serious blues since coming back from the beach. It’s still cold and grey in NYC. This morning the grey was accompanied by wintery mix. Not the thing I want to see when I wake up after a rough night. While at the beach it was warm, it was sunny and we were surrounded by family. Here in NYC I really feel alone. It is so sad to have spent years trying to have a family and now that our miracle baby is here not being able to raise her surrounded by the people who mean the most to us.
School has been tough, too. I missed a lot of class while on vacation and am struggling to catch up. I am also starting to doubt my ability to actually make money at this. I don’t intend a full time gig when I graduate. The point of this change is to spend time with my child. I hope to make enough each month to pay our mortgage and some of our monthly maintenance fees. I worry that I won’t be good enough to draw enough clients from our area, though, to reach this financial goal. I have heard from others that folk here are a tough sell.
I have also been going through my wardrobe for the past 30 days, putting together simple capsule wardrobes for each season. 33 pieces for spring, 33 for summer, 33 for fall and 33 for winter. Many interchange from season to season. My closet is light and airy now. Off-season clothing occupies only three dresser drawers. Two other drawers hold workout clothing, t-shirts and pjs. This afternoon I will ship a huge box of my beautiful professional wear to a friend who just landed a great tenure track teaching position. My life is changing. I don’t need to keep lugging around items that I won’t use. It’s exciting, and it is also scary. Such a big leap of faith.
And finally, I’m really feeling sadness over not having another child. The insurance company keeps playing games with my heart, and last week sent us a letter about a new program covering infertility treatment, but it does not specify which treatments are covered. Additionally, I just can’t handle the thought of going through more IVF. To the mamas who do this for multiple children, you are amazingly strong. I just don’t think I have it in me. We decided this weekend that Sabine will be our only. Once I’m done breast feeding I will seek out medical attention to find out why the hell I don’t have periods and try to remedy the situation. If this results in another child naturally we would be thrilled, but it is not the reason for trying to “fix me.”
After this discussion I decided it is time to let things Sabine has outgrown gone. I’ve been good about getting rid of clothing, but baby equipment has been more difficult. I listed some things online this afternoon, and have started a pile to give a friend who is having twins. It is bitter sweet.
Well isn’t this just a Debbie Downer post? I want to leave this on a good note… How about food? Food is always good in my book! Last night we all had breakfast for dinner – pancakes, eggs, bacon for the Professor and poached pears for me. I made Sabine her very own breast milk pancakes. She turned her nose up at them last night, but this morning devoured the majority of one! Three cheers for innovative uses for breast milk when your baby won’t take a bottle!