Thanks for all your kind words on my last glum, gloomy, blah post. It seems the old anxiety/depression monster is returning. I’ve been grinding my teeth again in my sleep, having heart palpitations and just feeling terrible thanks to anxiety. It’s not a nice place to be but I am thankful to have the ability to recognize it for what it is. I started reading a mindfulness book this weekend and am trying to read a few pages a day and focus on the concepts. Here is the quote I’m mulling over presently:
“Only we humans worry about the future, regret the past, and blame ourselves for the present. We get frustrated when we can’t have what we want, and disappointed when what we like ends. We suffer that we suffer. We get upset about being in pain, angry about dying, sad about waking up sad yet another day. This kind of suffering – which encompasses most of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction – is constructed by the brain. It is made up. Which is ironic, poignant – and supremely hopeful.” – Buddha’s Brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, wisdom and love
Pretty profound, isn’t it? I try to remember this when I’m feeling sorry for myself. 🙂
I also want to return to regular yoga practice. Unfortunately budget and schedule does not allow me to take classes (nor are there any yoga studios close to us in the Bronx) so I renewed my online membership to a yoga video site. It’s not idea, but it gets me flowing and breathing. Sabine also enjoys playing on my pink, extremely dirty yoga mat.
I know from experience, though, that self intervention is often not enough. It sucks to admit it, but I have struggled with this “condition” for my entire life. I see patterns reemerging that were once nicely in check. Checking things, obsessing about cleanliness (to an unhealthy level), having to realign things like the tables at school, etc. This is no way to live. So I have reached out to a counselor who specializes in mindfulness. I will set an appointment with her for next week and see if we are a good fit. I need guidance so I don’t end up in the pit of despair like I did last time.
I know my limits.
It feels so ugly to admit that to the internet, but my few remaining readers have been with me for a long time. They have seen the ups and downs. And they have seen how much better the ups were when I was getting some professional help and taking Prozac.
Now on to sleep:
It’s still a mess. We had a few VERY Encouraging days and then everything backslid and we are almost back in square one. I am certain the sleep stress is about 60% of my anxiety these days. Sleep training begins tomorrow night. The silver lining from the past week and a half is that Sabine is clearly capable of sleeping through the night. Here are our sleep logs so far. Whisper words of encouragement, please!!
Let’s end with a happy picture. Here is Yum Yum joining an afternoon nursing session and giving Sabine sweet kisses on her head. I love this cat and I love that she is starting to take to Sabine!