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Turns out I’m still angry

04/09/2014

Belle

It’s a two-post kind of day. While I’m over the moon happy about sleep, I’m also struggling through a dark, twisty place.

I had thought I would be over the pangs of anger and jealousy once my baby was here. But I’m not. I really hope I can find a therapist soon and try to work through this. Any time I bring it up to the Professor it ends in yelling and snide comments about how “it takes us having sex to get pregnant.” I’m sorry ass-hat husband, things are dry as a desert down there and I feel about as sexy as a sack of potatoes. I also have not had a natural period in 15 years so I’m pretty darn sure the odds are not in our favor. How about you use your snazzy Ph.D. math skillz to figure the probability? A better response to my sadness might be a hug, a kind reminder to look at the beautiful baby we are blessed with and a promise to stick with me no matter how dry and dusty the desert gets before the magical doctors find the right science cocktail to make me feel halfway like a woman.

Friends are starting on their second and third babies now. The other day I went with a friend to CVS to buy a glue stick for crafts and a pee stick. She joked about how back in the day she would only by FRER tests, but now she is just fine with the cheap-o ones. She continued to tell me how it is sooner than they had planned for baby No. 2 but they did not mind. Bring on the babies! I laughed and cheered her on. Inside I was filled with the rage.

Another friend has been bitching about her period and her cramps. I have no sympathy. I have not had a natural, non-chemically induced period since I was a freshman in college. That is 18 years old, ladies. I am now 33. Most of the time my birth control cycles didn’t even produce a period. I never had a period after my miscarriage. Then people have the nerve to tell me I’m “lucky.” No. I’m not lucky. Not cycling is BAD for you. Not having the proper hormones is BAD for for you. Not cycling means you never get that lovely juicy estrogen surge each month when you actually want to have sex. Not having a period means things are so out of whack you don’t produce your own lube and have to pause when the moment is hot to rub some on. Sexy I tell ya. Nothing is GOOD about my situation. Nothing.

Our Nanny, who is kind and truly has no idea the hell we went through to have Sabine, asked when we would have another. I simply said there will not be another baby, that Sabine is it for us. She laughed and told me to just wait until Sabine started asking for a baby. She told me about her oldest begging and pleading for a sibling so she eventually had another baby. She told me how thrilled her oldest was to be a big sister. I left the house for class 10 minutes after this conversation and cried on the train. I was totally that weird woman.

I’m angry that I don’t have periods. I’m angry that more infertility treatment is not an option for us (we are tapped out financially. Please do not lecture me about how we could save/take loans/find the money. We do not have it. End of story.) I’m angry I will never buy pregnancy tests again. I’m angry my child will not have the joy of telling her friends that she will be a big sister. I’m angry that my child will never have the strong sibling bond that I share with my brother. I’m angry that I have to return to the doctor once she weans to go on some kind of hormone replacement therapy so I don’t get cancer because my uterine lining NEVER sheds.

I am angry that I can’t just be normal.

I am angry that this now parenting after infertility blog is still receiving posts tagged with “infertility.”

*end rant*

 

 

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29 Comments

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  1. April 9, 2014

    I understand angry. And tapped out. *hugs*

    But I do suggest you tell Nanny a little bit. She’ll bring it up again, and it will hurt again. I had to talk to my assistant manager; with her 30+ kids, grand kids, and great-grand kids, she has so many stories about siblings and wanting more.

  2. April 9, 2014

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As great of a blessing as it is to have a baby, it does not magically cure the pain of infertility and loss. I wish people kept comments like “just you wait” to themselves. I’m not sure if this would be much of a consolation, but I was an only child due to my mom’s infertility, and although I asked for a younger sibling, I never felt slighted or hurt that she couldn’t give me one. I know she felt horrible, but from a child’s perspective it was okay.

    And I totally hear you on the worrying about your health. PCOS is a disease, and it’s a shitty one at that.

  3. April 9, 2014

    *big hugs* I understand and feel for you.

  4. April 9, 2014

    oh I hear you about being angry about only being able to have one child. although I don’t have a true medical reason for our fertility struggles we will not pursue more treatment for a second child. We have no frozen embryos and we are also tapped out financially. I definitely still get angry and sad when I hear pregnancy announcements of second and third babies in my extended friends circle. I am hoping that as the years pass the hurt and sadness will subside.

    I hear ya on the dry as a desert too….so not sexy. I have a serious lack of sex drive and it sucks.

  5. April 9, 2014

    I understand this so much. The anger and jealousy are still there. Slightly less but very much still there. I feel like a complete loser for feeling that way because I got my baby, but its this anger that I had to go through so much and that there is quite a large possibility that we won’t ever get to have another. It hurts. It just does.

    On the no period thing, that’s just awful! As much as I hate my periods because of endometriosis making them almost unbearably painful, I can definitely understand how it would be very scary not to have them especially in regards to needing those hormones. I hope you are able to get something that will help soon.

  6. April 9, 2014

    I’m probably a bad person to leave a comment on this post, but when pregnant with the twins, people would ask if we would have more and I would tell them without much detail that we had to go to extreme measures to get the twins, so it was unlikely that we would have more. Generally, those people didn’t inquire for details about our extreme measures and didn’t ask again if we’d have more. So maybe just a very brief explanation to inquiring minds?

  7. April 9, 2014

    I get it. And I feel for you. Deeply. Hugs, friend. xo

  8. April 9, 2014

    I hear you. I ve been on the no period ever boat for a very very long time( 13 to 29) Mine returned on their own after i lost my gall bladder(no am not asking you to chop it off). Just a warm hug. Have you heard of the aviva method? Heard its some exercises and breathing to regulate periods. Ive no experience with it, just heard a lot about it. You love working out and if that brings on a period for you then yay!!

  9. April 9, 2014

    Be angry. You have every right to be. That shit sucks. Hard.

    (And I feel you about not having your periods and how everyone thinks that is SO AWESOME. I deal with that all the time. It’s so ignorant and drives me batty.)

    I’m so sorry you can’t have another baby. That is so incredibly unfair. And it needs to be grieved. Anger is a totally understandable, acceptable and expected phase in the grief process. And since grief is an endless cycle, you’ll probably feel it again and again, thought hopefully with less intensity.

    Abiding with you during this difficult, painful time.

  10. nonsequiturchica #
    April 9, 2014

    I would definitely talk to your Nanny or else she will continue to make comments about a second baby.

    No sex drive over here as well….I have heard that once you quit breastfeeding things get a little better…

  11. APE #
    April 9, 2014

    God, this all rings to familiar to me. I wish we could have been going through all this at the same time because I felt so alone back when I would voice this. I would always get “But you are so blessed…your son is a miracle, be happy with him.” No shit! Don’t make me feel guilty on top of being sad that it isn’t easy for me to have children. Fertiles didn’t get it, and neither did infertiles who still were without children. You and I are in a different place, my dear. My son is now four and is always asking me for a baby sister. It breaks my heart. We too are financially tapped out, not to mention exhausted with all the meds/doc appts/tears. My husband and I also have struggled with the topic. He just doesn’t get it. I have kept all of our baby crap “just in case” and have caused a cluttered mess in our attic that my hubs wants to get rid of. We have 4 frozen embryos left (started with 8 – so you can see that we haven’t had much luck – 3 losses) and I want to try again so my son can have a sibling, but trying to talk my husband into it is like pulling teeth. It sucks. And at 35, I am not getting any younger. So, all of that was just to say, I understand you girl. You are not alone.

  12. April 9, 2014

    Belle…I understand you. Physically, emotionally….all of it. I understand. PCOS is such a curse, and the jealous bitch inside just reared her head when I caught a friend’s ultrasound post for baby #2 last week. She got pregnant 12 months PP while still breast feeding. And me? I’ve been fantasizing about Baby #2, and feeling so down because it is bringing up all of these awful memories about not getting my period EVER and the anxieties and arguments my husband and I had over it all while TTC. Not getting my period makes me feel like less of a woman, and I have to resist the urge to punch people who tell me I’m “lucky” that I don’t get a period. I remember the crazy diets I would put myself through. The acupuncture. Nothing really worked. It all feels like I’m grabbing at sand. Progesterone withdrawl bleeds don’t even work for me, either. I did some research into this, and there is a variation of PCOS which effects thin women which involves very low estrogen as the culprit which makes a progesterone withdrawl ineffective. I got my blood levels checked on Monday, and will see where I’m at hormonally now, but something tells me my estrogen is seriously out of whack. I just don’t know what I can do or how to fix it.. While at the doctor, I said, “There will never be a cure for me, will there?” And he looked at me kind of sadly and said that there was no known cure for PCOS, all we can do is try to manage it with withdrawl bleeds and acupuncture and change in diet if you’re obese…it just doesn’t seem possible in this day and age that there isn’t more knowledge about how to pinpoint how to FIX THIS.

  13. robin #
    April 9, 2014

    I HATE when people say how “lucky” I am not to get a period. I can go over a year without a period (I do get them but very infrequently, although since having the kids I have had a few of them). People go, “wow lucky!” And I’m like… WHAT. I have NEVER been glad that I don’t get a regular period. People have no idea.

    I’m sorry your nanny said all of that to you. It’s one thing when it’s someone you don’t know, but you have to see her again. 😦

  14. April 9, 2014

    oh hon, I’m so sorry. That was eye opening as well for me to realize that having a baby didn’t make all the negative feelings go away b/c my body still wasn’t “fixed.” I have PCOS and incredibly irregular cycles (usually 40-200 days, often anovulatory) so better than nothing, but still not great. I did a lot of research when I decided that I didn’t want to give up hope on a 2nd child, and myoinositol was what came up over and over again. I started taking it daily, had a cycle a few months later, and got pregnant. Yes, shoot me now, but I swear it helped my body to figure out how to actually have an estrogen surge, etc. I have a TON of links put together from my research if you want me to email them to you – just let me know. If not and you just wanted to write this post to write it out, I get that too. IF sucks. Bodies not working correctly sucks. And Im sorry you’re still struggling with this. 😦

  15. April 9, 2014

    I’m so sorry belle. I’m angry too. I thought having a baby would “fix” all that, that I would be magically cured from hatred and jealousy. And I was….for that short while when I thought that with a baby would come the miracle of the whole family we wanted, that after one it would all come easy. I wonder if anyone is ever truly cured? If I get to have every child I want and stop when we are ready to stop….will I not be angry or jealous? I don’t know. I hope to hell I get to find out though. But unfortunately, over here it is going to take a whole lot more than a sexy night too.
    PS – the sex will come back once you get some sleep. Even with a fairly strong sex life, no sleep DEFINITELY equals zero sex in this house. Sabine will get there eventually, and so will you.
    xoxo

    • Shinara #
      April 10, 2014

      I agree, lack of sleep will turn both of you into assholes. I definitely turn into the “mean” mom starting at 4pm. After many tension filled evenings, my husband had the brilliant idea of taking on the care of babe one evening and making me sleep for as long as I wanted. I ended up sleeping until 2am. What bliss! Now we do it about once a week. It still doesn’t help in the sex department, but the sleep has definitely helped us be softer and kinder with each other. He also sleeps in a separate room on work nights (he’s got to be rested for work) and our room on weekends. With your tight space, maybe you could sleep during the week in Sabine’s bedroom and on weekends sleep together. That way, weekends are special even if “nothing” happens and he has a chance to be rested, too.

      I would love to have more children, but one will have to be enough. …and that one is oh, so special. hugs.

  16. April 9, 2014

    Be as angry as you need to be… We all get it. I’m not sure the anger ever really goes away. Maybe it does, I don’t know, I’m not there yet. It’s way better and almost non-existent, but all it takes is one accidental pregnancy and a complaint from the expecting mom that “this was not planned,” and I’m ready to kill her. Until I know our fate, I just think anger and frustration is going to creep in. Your situation is even trickier because you KNOW you’d like another but can’t make it happen, whereas in just not sure and am at enough peace with our two. But I crave another so badly. But it is different. I know that.

    so be upset and tell the professor he’s not handling this correctly. Men just don’t get it… Even my hubs who is our IF issue! Gah!

    hugs!

  17. April 9, 2014

    Sending big Texas hugs. I love the realness of this post and truly how eloquently you expressed your emotions. I am sad for your pain and your experience. I am sad for how many times in your life people will casually question you about your “choice” (those will be their words) to only have 1 child. It will happen now, next year, and years to come. I’m sure you could tell each one of them your situation, but my god how exhausting that’s got to be. It probably rarely shuts them up and just leads to more inappropriate/ignorant responses. No advice here, just “listening” and appreciating your openness.

  18. Amy #
    April 9, 2014

    It’s easy to fall into the trap of ‘I’ll be happy when…’ Just don’t do it. Having more babies…it doesn’t necessarily equal joy. This is the hand you’ve been dealt in life. For better or worse, you have to play it the best you can. Every human has pain, & if you’ve lived long enough, loss. Your burdens are great, but no greater than others, just different. I hope you are able to find a good therapist so you can enjoy the life you have, enjoy the baby you have and feel the weight of disappointment lifted from your heart. Have you ever read ‘momastery’? She’s awesome. You’ll get through this & end up a stronger, healthier & happier mom. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time.

  19. April 9, 2014

    Yep to all of it. I get periods all the damn time but it means nothing in making a baby. And seriously I was very open about the fact Molly was IVF so stop asking me when the next one will be here. I DONT GET PREGNANT. Fucking morons.

  20. Romy #
    April 9, 2014

    I’m sorry you feel so angry, I find anger worse to deal with than sadness. Do you have ways to channel anger into energy somehow? Do a work out? Or alternatively allow yourself to be upset, cry and then feel better?
    Would it help to research the benefits of having an only child? I am doing the same thing right now even though we are going to do IVF one more time. I want to be ok with the outcome either way. I found studies for example that state that only children are happier than those with siblings. I also asked moms in a Facebook mom group I’m a member of to share their experiences as an only child, and all of the replies I got were very positive. A number of them said that while they asked for a sibling at some point, they mostly wanted “a girl my age who would agree with me all the time” and it passed and they don’t feel they missed out by not having a sibling.
    I think you will have a very strong relationship with Sabine, and by having only her, she will be more focussed on you. I am into attachment parenting and love the book by Gordon Neufeld “Hold onto your kids” which describes why it is important for kids to attach more strongly to their parents than to their peers. Anyway, I was upset about the possibility of never having a sibling for my 10 month old Sawyer and I feel so much better after doing that research and hearing about people’s experiences as an only.
    Hugs!

  21. Romy #
    April 9, 2014

    Here is one article about the happiness of only children: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/nov/14/only-children-happier-competition-bullying

  22. April 9, 2014

    The thing about infertility is it never really ends. I think we will all have blogs tagged “infertility”. I also think we will all deal with some form of anger and jealousy. HUGS

  23. April 10, 2014

    People who don’t have PCOS or fertility issues just don’t understand. If one more person tells me how super fertile I’m going to suddenly be after having my miracle baby, I swear I’m going to punch them in the face. I am so done trying to explain that I still have endo and PCOS and it’s not like infertility vanishes like a cold. I am just so tired of people thinking I’m going to turn into a baby making factory and would just let me enjoy the moments I have with My boy in peace as they are more than likely going to be the only ones I’ll ever get.

  24. Amy #
    April 10, 2014

    Hugs, Belle. It’s okay to be angry. Perfectly reasonable reaction. I have the same one, though still mixed with some (false?) hope, admittedly. I hate the uncertainty, but I don’t think I’d/’ll do any better at all if/when the book were/is firmly closed instead of flapping its pages in the breeze occasionally.

  25. April 11, 2014

    Oh this post resonated with me so much. It looks like our LO will most likely be an only as well. I am always so happy for women pregnant with their first, but subsequent pregnancies announced on Facebook bring me to tears.

  26. April 11, 2014

    Infertility is such a beast! It leaves little scars on us forever. Even though we have quads and no plans to ever try for more, deep in my heart I have feelings of pain and jealousy. Hurt knowing that our experience is and always will be vastly different. It sucks! While I know you wish you didn’t feel this way, you’re not alone.

  27. April 11, 2014

    It totally does stink. I feel it pretty often, infertility keeps on being awful long after the treatment part ends. I wish there were a simple way to remind people to not be so rude and rubbing in their fertility but no. So sorry you’re going through the anger part of the experience. I hope you get more sleep soon so that isn’t contributing to the anger.

  28. jak #
    April 16, 2014

    check. check, and check. i hear you. hang in there though. sabine is magnificent. when things get dark, try to focus on your love for her.

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