Today the first friend I made in NYC announced that she is pregnant again. As I read her text I waited for the lump in my throat to rise. It did not. I paused as I texted back “Congratulations!!” and waited for any tears. I reread the text message thread an hour later and felt… nothing but happy.
No lump. No tears. No anger or jealousy. No regret. No sadness.
Was I numb? Nope. Just happy for my friend. She has a little boy about Sabine’s age. I’m genuinely excited that her kiddos will be so close in age. I think this fosters a really special bond in siblings and I can’t wait to watch them grow up together.
It’s two hours later and I’m still ok with everything. I’m still happy and not at all sad.
One of my oldest friends visited a few weeks ago. While she was here the topic of No. 2 came up, as it so often does, and I told her that I felt I was coming to a place of peace. I explained that my little family of three actually feels complete. I am sad Sabine won’t have the sibling bond that I have, but that is OK. We have friends, family and community that she can grow and bond with. She is happy, well adjusted and darn adorable. I think she will thrive in this big city as she grows up as an only child.
This was the first time I have verbalized these feelings to anyone other than my cat (yes, I still discuss deep thoughts with Yum Yum. No, I do not need more Prozac!) It was the first time the words came out to someone I am close to and I immediately expected to feel regret. I didn’t. Instead I looked at the beautiful baby I have and felt happy. Plain and simple.
A box of Pregnitude has arrived at my house. I tore into with with wild abandon, eager to get started. Had I changed my mind? Nope. I want to have a period to be healthy. I want to KNOW when my period is coming and not have to march through life always with a tampon and change of undies in my purse because I NEVER know when it will strike. I diligently swallow my Pregnitude twice daily with no expectations or intentions of becoming pregnant. If my cycle does return I will talk to a doctor about my non-hormone contraceptive options.
I am, at last, at peace and my goodness it is a sweet, sweet place to be.