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A Place of Peace




July 5 _ 2

Today the first friend I made in NYC announced that she is pregnant again. As I read her text I waited for the lump in my throat to rise. It did not. I paused as I texted back “Congratulations!!” and waited for any tears. I reread the text message thread an hour later and felt… nothing but happy. 

No lump. No tears. No anger or jealousy. No regret. No sadness. 

Was I numb? Nope. Just happy for my friend. She has a little boy about Sabine’s age. I’m genuinely excited that her kiddos will be so close in age. I think this fosters a really special bond in siblings and I can’t wait to watch them grow up together. 

It’s two hours later and I’m still ok with everything. I’m still happy and not at all sad. 

One of my oldest friends visited a few weeks ago. While she was here the topic of No. 2 came up, as it so often does, and I told her that I felt I was coming to a place of peace. I explained that my little family of three actually feels complete. I am sad Sabine won’t have the sibling bond that I have, but that is OK. We have friends, family and community that she can grow and bond with. She is happy, well adjusted and darn adorable. I think she will thrive in this big city as she grows up as an only child. 

This was the first time I have verbalized these feelings to anyone other than my cat (yes, I still discuss deep thoughts with Yum Yum. No, I do not need more Prozac!) It was the first time the words came out to someone I am close to and I immediately expected to feel regret. I didn’t. Instead I looked at the beautiful baby I have and felt happy. Plain and simple. 

A box of Pregnitude has arrived at my house. I tore into with with wild abandon, eager to get started. Had I changed my mind? Nope. I want to have a period to be healthy. I want to KNOW when my period is coming and not have to march through life always with a tampon and change of undies in my purse because I NEVER know when it will strike. I diligently swallow my Pregnitude twice daily with no expectations or intentions of becoming pregnant. If my cycle does return I will talk to a doctor about my non-hormone contraceptive options. 

I am, at last, at peace and my goodness it is a sweet, sweet place to be. 



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  1. July 9, 2014

    This is so important. Peace is hard to find, and I’m very happy for you!

  2. July 9, 2014

    Wow. I am jealous. I honestly don’t know if I will ever be there. I hope so. I don’t know how many children it will take me to get there, but I really want the peace of it being my decision to stop.

    • July 9, 2014

      Oh sweet friend, hang in there. YOu will find your peace in time. Right now focus on your present. I am sending you love and light.

  3. July 9, 2014

    Wow. I’m so happy to read this!

  4. July 9, 2014

    Wow! I’m so glad that you’re in a happy peaceful place!

  5. July 9, 2014

    Good for you. I’d like to find a similar place of peace 🙂

    • July 9, 2014

      I think we will all get there in time. If our situation were different ( permanent jobs, permanent home, still having a savings account) I believe I’d feel really differently about this. But our situation is what it is and I’m ok with it.

  6. July 9, 2014

    Good for you Belle! I’m proud of you!

    • July 9, 2014

      Thanks, Trisha! I’m sure I’ll still have days from time to time, but I really feel a sense of resolve right now. Sabine is perfect and so is my family.

  7. Amy #
    July 9, 2014

    Best. Post. Ever. Please do something super nice for yourself-peace is hard work-you deserve it. Peace is good. Peace with chocolate cake might be better.

    • July 9, 2014

      Peace with chocolate cake is a GREAT idea! I might make cake tomorrow 🙂

  8. jesicabrennan #
    July 9, 2014

    Wow, that’s so lovely to hear! I’m envious of the peace you’ve found and hope I get there some day.

  9. July 9, 2014

    I love this post and I love your attitude. Brings a smile to my heart.

    I was at my cousin’s house yesterday and her friend dropped by and she told me before she arrived that she just found out she is pregnant with her third child. She has had a lot of miscarriages over the year and there is four years between her first and second child (they dealt with SIF too) and when I heard the news from my friend I was pleasantly surprised to feel nothing but happiness for her. I couldn’t figure out though if that was because I knew she had struggle in the past. Would I have felt that happiness is she were a fertile myrtle? I honestly don’t know. I think so. I hope so. But I can’t know for sure.

    I am so happy your are in a place of peace. I hope it continues.

  10. July 10, 2014

    I’m glad that you have found this place of peace. I am still at the place where I feel panic rising when I think about the fact that I may never get to be pregnant again or have a sweet newborn snuggled on my chest.

  11. July 10, 2014

    Congratulations Belle!! Peace after all the pain and suffering is a wonderful place to be in. I am so happy for you. Do let me know if pregnitude helps with the periods. I too suffer from PCOS and although I am nursing right now I wonder if my periods will return without any intervention.

  12. July 10, 2014

    This is so beautiful. Makes me feel more at peace with my little family of three. If I ignore the incessant ticking of my biological clock (and bizarre random strangers trying to sell the idea of multiple children to me), I always come to the same conclusion: one baby is great. One is just perfect for our family. 🙂

  13. jak #
    July 10, 2014

    i know, and i’m so happy for you. that peace is setting in with me too.

    have you read “one and only” by lauren sandler? as well as illustrating the roots of many myths, it describes raising a singleton in nyc. i think that is a GREAT place to have a family of three. sabine will never be alone, but will be alone enough to have her own peace too.

  14. Romy #
    July 10, 2014

    I’m jealous. We are in the middle of a 2nd IVF cycle. The only one we decided to try. Started off with 16 embryos but today on day 2 there are only 2 that are doing well so they’re doing a day 3 transfer tomorrow and we have none to freeze just like last time. I tried SO hard to be ok with either outcome before even starting the cycle but now I’m so sad at the thought that if this transfer fails, we’ll be out of options. So reading your post today makes me feel jealous 🙂 I hope I’ll be able to get to your place soon. Preferably in the next 10 days or so 😉

    • July 10, 2014

      I don’t think it can be rushed. I spent a year mourning and fretting over it before i got here. Give yourself time and do not discredit your embryos yet! Sending you lots of good thoughts for the coming days.

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