For the past 14 months I have felt like while I was not bringing home any money, I was doing a rockstar job raising a kid. Sabine was such a fun baby and we had great times together at home and our with friends. She was a happy kid and in my eyes that meant I was doing a good job. I at least went to bed most nights feeling like I had kicked parenting in the ass.
Lately that is changing. Sabine is challenging. She is always under my feet and always fussing. I try to play with her and she crawls off and fusses. I read her books that she used to sit for and she crawls off and throws more books at me. She yells at me when I offer food, she yells at me when I try to put her down for a nap, she yells at me when I step into the bathroom. She gets angry at her toys and furious when she tries to walk and fails (she still is not walking.)
I know she is frustrated with not being able to do the things she sees her friends doing, like walking and talking. I know that part of this is the age we are at (14 months) and that it is not always a reflection on my parenting. But when Daddy comes home and she is an angel for him, sitting still and listening to books, playing nicely and giggling up a storm it makes me slink off to the bathroom and cry. Sabine is a delight for Daddy, the sitter, her friends and their moms but not for me. I see this and all I can think is that clearly she would be happier in daycare.
I hate feeling like a failure and I really hate the days that I am relieved to put my kid to bed. I try to talk to my husband about these feelings and he just blows them off and then coddles his cat (who is having some issues of her own adjusting to the baby – a post for a later date).
The guilt I am feeling over all of this, plus the returning to work stress, is eating me alive. Compounding the issue are the complex emotions that come with parenting after infertility – I fought so damn hard for this and waited so damn long and now what? Now I don’t like it? I am failing at it? Are you kidding me? It is one thing to go to personal training school and decide it is not the career for you. It is an entirely different thing to go through IVF, have a baby and then feel this way about parenting.
Sabine is finally napping after being up since 6 a.m. (it is 2 now) and I am going to take a few minutes for myself. I’ll have a cup of coffee, eat some chocolate coconut ice cream and wait for your pearly words of wisdom and encouragement. Dirty dishes and laundry can wait an hour…