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That pee stick…



… is still harassing me. I know it is hanging out at the bottom of the bathroom trash can, wrapped in TP and shoved in an empty TP roll (my signature move for hiding pee stick evidence).

I am feeling really uncertain about our life as three this week. Maybe it is because of the job hunt (it seems it is way harder to get back into marketing after taking time off to raise a family so why not go all out and have more babies?). Or maybe it is my friend’s growing belly and her adorable pokey outey preggo belly button. Or maybe it is that storage bill from our RE in Ohio for our one remaining frozen embryo. Or maybe it is because one of the Professor’s coworkers is coming to collect all of Sabine’s tiny baby gear in a few weeks. Or maybe it is because EVERY TIME we are at the Spuyten Duyvil Library Sabine picks up the book about becoming a big sister and drags it all over – an act that I know is meaningless but that still feels like a knife in the heart each time. Or maybe it is because I turned 34 a few weeks ago and am now even closer to that dreaded 35 marker.

I don’t want another baby right now. Hardly. My life is plenty complicated at the moment and I have no desire to add to that complication. What I do want is the choice to have another if/when we are ready. I want to be a fertile girl and have the luxury to say “I want a baby” and BAM be pregnant in six months. But I don’t. I hope this sad grey cloud passes soon. It’s really cramping my style.




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  1. November 1, 2014

    Ok…. You’re having doubts. Do not give away your baby stuff. I mean it. If you didn’t have that frozen embryo, I wouldn’t say anything. But you do, and you DO have the choice to try with it if the time comes. It’s perfectly OK to say, “I’m not ready to part with these things yet. I’m sorry” to the people you’ve said you’d give them to.

    I say this because we are done. We have 5 frozen embryos and we’ve recently decided to save them in case of an emergency (sick kid, something worse, etc) and we’re so happy as a family of 4. I’m ready to part with baby stuff and clothes and Hottie is making me hold onto them for a year because, “we could change our minds again like we just did.”. He’s right. We don’t have doubts and we’re holding tight. You’re feeling uncertain and giving those things away is going to be very emotional. And you have that embryo.

    I had Matthew at 35 and Bryson too (they go on the age you were at conception, and they’re from the same cycle). You have plenty of time to change your mind to try with that embryo.

    Slow down…. There’s no rush!

    • November 1, 2014

      Unfortunatly we have to get rid of baby stuff. Our apartment is small and storage is a premium. When a new item comes in an old must go out otherwise we’ll live like hoarders! His coworker did say they would happily give the items back to us if we “should need them” so I guess I could look at it as they are just going into storage. You are right though, it is an emotional thing. That Rock ‘N Play and the baby tub and the infant car seat and snap and go and blah blah blah all tell stories of days past and perhaps never repeated. It makes me sad.

      • November 1, 2014

        Then yes, get rid of it! That’s why I’m itching to sell ours… Space! I’m actually past the emotions, but wasn’t a few months ago when I was secretly wanting to be done having babies. The stories in everything… So hard to let go of. I’ll keep many things forever and am dreading converting Bryson’s room to a big kid room. The idea of no more nursery is hard for me.

      • jak #
        November 2, 2014

        for what it’s worth… my mom kept certain memory items (our favorite shirt, “blankie”, stuffed animal, etc) and gave away the rest. it was a nice way to mark the baby days but keep the hoarding under control. but she wasn’t infertile… so she didn’t have to same crazy clinging feelings of “I NEED THIS PLAIN WHITE ONSIE THAT CAME IN A 5 PACK BECAUSE MY POSSIBLY ONLY EVER BABY WORE IT FOR 5 MINUTES AND MAYBE EVEN SPIT UP ON IT”… some kind of different world she was living in, lol.

  2. November 1, 2014

    I feel these feels. I have done the peestick thing at least twice since Ike was born with the same results and felt so silly for it (with the ectopic, somehow, I was willing to be in denial about for long enough to put off peeing on a stick until right before I started bleeding, of course, per my typical miscarrying pattern). The uncertainty sucks, and having no even semi-firm timeline for making a semi-firm decision seems to make it suck worse, knowing that it won’t happen the easy way should it happen again. Much love to you, hope you can be kind to yourself while you’re feeling these blahs.

  3. November 1, 2014

    Just peed on a stick myself yesterday. No surprise that garingly white space where a second line should be appeared. I’m not even that intent on being pregnant right now. We only started trying in case “it would take a while again” and 4 months in and I’m under that same dark cloud. Fuck infertility man. Screws with our heads!

  4. November 1, 2014


  5. November 2, 2014

    I think that’s the hardest part about infertility. Is that it’s not really our decision. I think everybody should get to decide how many kids they want and have them.

  6. jak #
    November 2, 2014

    just went through something complex and horrible related to this on top of something complex and more horrible not related to this, so not going to give details, but i do want to say – being grateful helped me live in the moment, and the moments (watching my growing and increasingly independent and beautiful baby kid) helped me be grateful. and gratitude fed into joy into gratitude into joy….. and i wish you the same.

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