I hate how random my posting is. Life is just so… different and it is very difficult to find 30 minutes to sit down and blog. This space is still important to me, though, so I’ll continue to drop in on occasion and write about what is on my mind.
Today I finally went to see an RE. The Professor and I are on the same page about more children:
- We are both very adamant about more IVF.
- We are both happy with our family of three.
- We are do not want to expand our family further until we have permanent jobs.
- We both don’t want to close the door just yet. We want to keep our options open.
For a long time I was really bothered by the thought of having a second child at the age of 37 or 38. I just don’t know how I’ll feel when I’m 37. Will I have the energy to raise another baby? Will I be in good enough health? Do I want to have kids in my house when I’m close to 60?
Last month I started in mindfulness-based therapy. I’ve had some real ah-ha moments since then, the biggest being that I have absolutely no control over all these hypotheticals. I drive myself insane with the “what ifs” of life. Sometimes you just have to trust and move on.
My new RE was fantastic. He spent nearly 40 minutes chatting about my history. He did an ultrasound and my ovaries looked lovely, and not at all like PCOS ovaries. Based on that and the fact that my blood results were always normal he is hesitant to put me into the PCOS category. That said, I’m still nursing 6-8 times a day so the way my ovaries look now might not be a good indicator.
He was hopeful that, if we choose, we might be able to get pregnant naturally and he is willing to help us find out what is causing me to never cycle. This is what I wanted to hear. Not that we could do more IVF. Not that we MUST REPRODUCE MORE RIGHT THIS INSTANT. I wanted to hear that we might still have a choice when we are ready.
Then we outlined a plan of attack. First is weaning. Nothing can really be assessed until I wean completely, and then I need to give my body three months for fertility to return. If I don’t have a cycle after that, then I’ll have one induced with progesterone and we will go from there, collecting blood work and seeing where things stand.
In the meantime, take care of myself and enjoy my sweet child.
I guess I sort of already knew all this. I knew the PCOS diagnosis did not always line up and I knew nothing can be done until Sabine weans, but hearing it from an expert who was kind, encouraging and put the ball back in my court really put my mind at ease. Right now we are happy and we have options in the future. No amount of worrying now will influence those options (although it might give me some more fine lines and wrinkles!)
So there you go. Another day, another musing on fertility and another reminder that even when one brings home a miracle baby the struggle is never really over. I guess what matters is that right now I’m ok. And that feels pretty damn good.
If you have a minute, I’d love if you sent some good juju to my friend and fellow traveler in infertility. Her first IVF cycle starts tomorrow. I have met her and her husband and they are amazing people who will be incredible parents!