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Muddy, Murky Waters

07/15/2015

Belle

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I have been considering closing up shop here at Scrambled Eggs. I feel like my purpose is no longer cut-and-dry and that I am floundering as a writer. Additionally, it is hard to find the time to write, let alone edit what is written, and I feel I am posting a lot of shoddy copy. So why stay?

Then I got an email from a reader telling me how important my blog has been to her in their journey to concieve. She explained that before finding Scrambled Eggs she felt extremely isolated in her journey. This silly little snippet of cyber space changed that and made her feel connected. That, friends, is powerful stuff. This email is not a one time occurrence, either. I get emails like this one regularly and every time I tuck them aside with full intention to reply and every time I lose track*. But I read your emails and damn if they don’t give me a sense of purpose in an otherwise very murky existence.

That sounded over-the-top dramatic, but really, murky is exactly how I would describe the last few months. In May the Professor finished his second year at the postdoc, which means he is halfway through and it is time to start the job hunt all over. Last time it took two years to land a temporary position in academia. This time we hope for the same but are bracing for worse. It makes it tremendously hard to get out there and make a place your home when you know your days are so numbered. It is even harder when you don’t know where you will be going next. Much like infertility, the only certain thing about our employment situation is that it is tremendously uncertain.

Sabine starts nursery school three days a week in September, too. I am excited for this big step towards her independence. I feel like we have a great mother-daughter bond and am cherishing every day with her by my side. At the same time, I worry she is too bonded and that I am going to cause her some deep-rooted issues as she ages. It’s such a complicated web of emotions. I hope the few days a week apart will make not only our relationship stronger, but also her as an individual.

Once Sabine starts school I am to dive headfirst into freelance. I’m really nervous about this. I’ve been doing a little work here and there for the last year and love it, but worry that I won’t be able to hack it as a professional freelancer. On the flip side, I know that jobs in my field are drying up as many companies choose to hire freelancers rather than keep a full-time writer on staff. This is the most logical step in my carrier and it gives me flexibility for family, diverse work and the option to choose my clients. It’s still a big change.

And finally, there is the ever-present whisper of growing our family. I actually had a right proper period last month and it filled me with hope for future children. It also filled me with fear of future children. We cannot, in any way, afford another child right now. We have no clue what our future holds and bringing another mouth into the picture would only complicate things further. In addition, my kid sleeps through the night.

I feel this statement needs repeating because of the magnitude of it: My child. Sleeps. Through. The. Night.

Newborns don’t. Enough said!

A baby is not an option right now, but it still muddies up the water from time to time.

So the figurative water here is murky. My blog’s purpose is unclear. My heart and head are conflicting, and my home feels more like a hotel. But I’m glad to know I have you all, and that my words still carry meaning, even if they are sporadic and poorly edited.

* And hello to all you “From a Reader’s!” You should know your words mean just as much to me as my words have meant to you. 

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20 Comments

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  1. Brittnie #
    July 15, 2015

    Becoming a parent is often times like being the dice in the game of Yahtzee. One day, you are tossed in the cup, shaken around, and dumped on the table in a completely different order, arrangement, and position that you had been for the rest of your existence.
    And you are better for it, but it is one heck of a change. Re-finding your identity in this whole new life that, even when you anticipated it, you didn’t expect, can be difficult and mind boggling. You do what you can to find or make a new ‘order’ to your life. Sometimes chapters close, and new ones open, and sometimes old chapters turn into a long book with different Parts. ‘Infertility and the road to conception’ may have been Part the First, and ‘Pregnancy and the first year’ may be Part the Second. This third part that is developing could be an exciting twist and change in your writing, your life, and in your family. Parenting after infertility, or during it, can be difficult because of the contrasting emotions of gratitude, frustration, joy, exasperation, and fatigue.
    Or it is the end to that part of your life, and time to start a new one. Either way, you have done great things in chronicling your journey. Not every life affected can be counted by WordPress members, but even if it were, you have helped more people in a short few years than many do in a lifetime.
    Whether you continue, or rest from here, thank you for sharing.

  2. July 16, 2015

    Belle, your blog and the sheer honesty of it is what gets me through most of my murky days. For all of us going through some form of infertility, there is always the fear that if, eventually we do have a child, what if there are more complications that life throws at us? Then what? Your blog is great and I look forward to it. But, I’m going to be honest. I prefer reading the more meaningful entries, instead of the more casual updates. Maybe update it less regularly, but with more content packed at a time?

    • July 28, 2015

      My replies here are really late due to travels, but I wanted to take the time to comment. I don’t think I’ll close up quite yet, but do like the idea of posting a little more selectively.

  3. July 16, 2015

    I hear you on the uncertainty of professional academia being akin to the uncertainty of infertility! When Hubby and I got married, I expected to have to undergo IVF but had no idea what we were getting into with his career. It’s tough and scary and definitely muddied those waters. I love reading your perspective on these things, as well as updates on sweet Sabine! What you do with this space is totally up to you, but I will say I’m always happy to see you in my reader!

    • July 28, 2015

      When I married the Professor I had dreams of a plushy academic lifestyle with job sponsored travel, swanky professorial parties and the whatnot. Clearly I was mistaken 🙂

  4. July 16, 2015

    Aren’t murky waters when we need blogging the most?

    • nonsequiturchica #
      July 22, 2015

      Totally agree with this! I find that when I am going through tough times writing it out on a blog helps me immensely.

      Also, I would be bummed if you closed up shop.

      • July 28, 2015

        Y’all are so right. When I’m feeling really overwhelmed I still start composing posts in my mind. Maybe I just need to put a show on the TV for Sabine and write it out for real. 🙂

  5. APE #
    July 16, 2015

    I, personally, would be bummed if you stopped writing Scrambled Eggs. I get excited when I see a new post pop up in my email, and I enjoy reading updates about Sabine and life in the city. I also enjoy your pictures, and you, of course. 🙂

    • APE #
      July 16, 2015

      By the way, did you take that feather picture? It is gorgeous! The water droplets look so perfect it almost looks photo shopped.

      • July 28, 2015

        I did take this photo and thank you! It is an iPhone 5 photo, too, with no editing. One of my favorite iPhone photos and totally going to be printed during my next printer run!

  6. July 16, 2015

    First…I would miss your posts,seeing how your coping and managing motherhood so close in line with my journey has helped more than I can say. But there is also a need in you to do something different and I totally respect that. If you do move away from here and go somewhere else in a new guise,just know you already have a huge fan base who will be toddling right along with you. Secondly…good luck with nursery school! Griffin started crèche half day for 3 days a week last week and he is LOVING it! I’m a little put out how much but then I realize he has only had me all day every day since birth and the break has been so great for both of us. He is already showing so much more of his own little identity and it’s made our bond stronger for the time apart. It’s also good for me personally as it’s helping me to find my space outside of just being his mom and the daily stresses that goes with a small person. You might be able to find better clarity on your current dilemma once you have some more time for you. Thank you for your words..they have truly been so helpful over the last few years for me personally and being able to laugh,cry and just follow your amazing life story has been more than I could say.

    • July 28, 2015

      I am so glad to hear that Griffin (Sabine’s name counter part!!) is doing well in nursery school! I don’t know if I ever responded to your email, but I think about it all the time. Sabine was actually named from that book. I love it and the others in the trilogy. Such beautiful art and now such beautiful little namesakes!

      • July 28, 2015

        I wasn’t sure if my comment was uploaded or not,Internet issues etc blech. Nah, I’m still on your “to reply” list but it’s ok because I really do love following yours and Sabines story. I have the book on my shelf and every time I see I wonder how she’s doing. He is also very small for his age and finally broke the 12kg weight barrier and we are so thrilled. It’s such a comfort following Sabine as we have had some of the same issues like late walking, ridiculously slow weight gain etc and it’s interesting to see the different approaches from across the world.

  7. July 21, 2015

    I understand your thoughts on possibly closing shop…my neglected blog is in the same position. I will miss your updates if you do go, but will understand. we have to do what is best for us. To me, writing something out of obligation is not good enough to do so.

    • July 28, 2015

      I agree. I think I’ll start with posting less “fluff,” which never really feels authentic. And I would miss your updates, too.

  8. July 21, 2015

    Always here and always reading. As hard as it is to maintain personal friendships and a stable home/work situation, it’s nice to have the comfort of these blogs I have come to love. I count meeting fellow bloggers as one of the most exciting things I get to do, although not as often as I’d wish. I think we all need to decide what our writing space will become when we are in limbo. Sometimes it means stepping back and other times it means pushing through with whatever feels right at the moment.

    • July 28, 2015

      Meeting bloggers is my favorite. And meeting you was such a treat! I do hope we can gather again soon!

  9. jak #
    July 23, 2015

    following your journey has been an inspiration to me. then, ironically, we got BFP’s within a week of each other and had our firsties within a week… and i was able to follow your journey with the bean (ne., chicken), i felt like i had a companion for the journey. been the same way watching bean’s first 2 years. glad you are here, hope you don’t go too far:)

    • July 28, 2015

      ❤ You know that chicken you sent Sabine is a favorite. The other day she uttered her first three word phrase while pushing it and other chickens around in her shopping cart. "I GOT CHICKENS!" It was adorable and hilarious!

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