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Pregnancies: 3, Miscarriages: 2, Live Births: 1

02/25/2016

Belle

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Note: there are dear friends who know me in real life and read this blog. Some of you are currently struggling with infertility or adoption yourselves. I had intended to call and share this news personally before writing here, but then it ended and picking up the phone is just too hard. I am so sorry. Also, we have not told our families about this and do not intend to. Please respect this. 

It’s been quiet here, and for good reason. I have written this post many times in my head with moving prose and imagery, but now that I’m here it has all dissolved.

I found out I was miraculously pregnant a few weeks ago. The professor and I were terrified and cried when we found out. The timing could not be worse with our living/job/financial situation. The initial reaction was not to keep it, but we quickly realized that was not an option for us. So we embraced it. We talked about how we would make a second child work in our small space, smaller budget, and uncertain job situation. We got excited. We talked about names. Sabine was going to be the best big sister and we could not wait to let her know around 20 weeks.

My first beta looked good – higher than my other pregnancies. My first ultrasound did not. Baby was there but a week behind and the heart rate was very slow. Since we weren’t certain when I ovulated, though, everything still could be good.

“The heart could have just started beating today,” said the doctor. “Congratulations, you are no longer infertile!”

I cringed when he said that because, deep in my heart, I knew that was not true. The similarities between this ultrasound and the one with my first loss were too great.

Yesterday I went back for another scan. I had terrible morning sickness, a cold I could not shake and a heart full of hope. This was meant to be. This was our miracle unicorn that was going to give Sabine a sibling and make our house the chaotic, love-filled place of my dreams. But it was not to be. The ultrasound showed a 7-week embryo, dead still, no heart beat. The baby had grown a full week meaning the heart had stopped very recently. I didn’t cry until that night.

We weren’t trying for this pregnancy. I was actually trying to avoid pregnancy as my cycles were slowly returning and regulating. Two weeks after my positive test I was scheduled to have an IUD placed, just in case. I had made peace with my amazing only child. I was happy to see her growing up and becoming more independent. I was happy to begin having a little time for self-care. I was excited to start down a career path again as she approached school age.  Things were getting better.

And then the universe threw me a spontaneous pregnancy and three weeks of dreaming, shifting our mentality and readjusting our life plan. And then that fucking universe took it all away. Again.

Bastard.

Today I had a D&C at a Manhattan abortion center because my OB was too busy and no one else could get me on the schedule for at least a week. While I always respect a women’s right to choose, sharing a room with women opting to end a potentially healthy pregnancy was so, so hard. At the bottom of my form, I had to fill out new stats – Number of pregnancies: 3, Number of miscarriages: 2, Number of live births: 1. These are not numbers I had wanted to see change, yet there they were.

I have been told that in time I’ll see a reason for all of this. That I’ll find peace and move on. But right now, mere hours after the remains of so much hope were sucked my womb, I am having a hard time believing.

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45 Comments

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  1. veetamia #
    February 25, 2016

    Belle I am so terribly sorry about this loss; of your baby and all the hope of dreams for your family that suddenly went away. You’ve been so very strong and I hope that you find time and space to let go and grieve and find peace. Embrace your sweet girl and find comfort with your husband. Know that you are not alone.

  2. February 25, 2016

    I don’t think you’ll ever find a reason for this happening, and that’s ok. It just happened, for no reason at all. And for that, I’m very sorry. You are the third person I know from more than just blogging (interacting outside of comments) who this has happened to after serious infertility, and that is three too many people. I’m very sad for you right now. 😢

    Sending hugs.

  3. February 25, 2016

    Oh no. I’m so very sorry.

  4. February 25, 2016

    I’m so sorry.

  5. February 25, 2016

    I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    Abiding with you.

  6. APE #
    February 25, 2016

    I am so sorry for you guys. I know this feeling all too well, as I am sure a lot of women reading your blog do. I am glad that you felt safe sharing your story. The Universe is an asshole sometimes. I got pregnant soon after my mom died unexpectedly and thought it had to stick because it was a miracle and my mom had to be on the other side helping this along, only to lose the pregnancy. It sucks. I am right here feeling all the feels with you, girl! Hang in there.

  7. February 25, 2016

    I m so sorry.

  8. heatherwallen #
    February 25, 2016

    We had twins, Nina and James, at the same time as you had Sabine, and I’ve kept reading your blog since. So, so very sorry to read this news. Thinking of you and sending a big hug.

  9. February 25, 2016

    I’m very sorry for what was unexpected but still loved and wanted. My heart hurts for you.

  10. Brenda b #
    February 25, 2016

    I am so so sorry. To be given something unexpectedly and have to taken away is just beyond cruel. You are in my thoughts!

  11. AndiePants #
    February 25, 2016

    shit. I am so so so sorry.

  12. donna4211 #
    February 25, 2016

    That is so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry!

  13. February 25, 2016

    Oh Belle. My heart breaks for you. Words cannot express the pain. I am so so sorry.

  14. witchmagpie #
    February 25, 2016

    Oh I am so sorry 😦 Seeing on ultrasound that your embryo has no heartbeat is devastating. It happened to me too. Words are cold comfort, but you have my deepest condolences. It’s just not fair 😦

  15. Lee #
    February 25, 2016

    Your words have always been such a comfort in my difficult moments, yet anything I think to say to you feels inadequate right now. So I will just say these three truths: This is unfair and awful. You are a strong woman. Sabine is blessed to have a mother like you.

  16. February 25, 2016

    Oh wow, this was heart breaking to read 😦 sending you lots of love. Despite all we’ve been through, it’s impossible not to have hope. Again, so much love and light headed your way…

  17. February 25, 2016

    Oh no, Belle. I’m so, so sorry. This is heartbreaking, and I’m at a loss for words. Hugs.

  18. February 25, 2016

    Fuck. I am so sorry.

  19. February 25, 2016

    I’m so very sorry for your losses. I say losses because the loss of the child is not all that is lost, of course. Allow yourself to grieve how you need to grieve. I’ve been where you are and even still nothing I say can make this easier, as you know. You will be in my prayers.

  20. February 25, 2016

    So very sorry for your loss…..

  21. February 25, 2016

    I’m so very sorry. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  22. February 25, 2016

    Belle, I don’t know you in real life but you seem like a really cool lady, and I love your posts. Thank you for sharing this. I feel for you.
    I also agree with Courtney, these things just happen and that’s why we have to grieve after these cruel mishaps of chance. I’ll be lucky if i ever ovulate again, but I’ve tried imagining this sort of situation and therefore have a hint of how distressing it would be.
    I really hope the universe throws your family something great soon!! (not necessarily another child, but something that brings smiles to your faces anyhow)

  23. jaclyn #
    February 25, 2016

    We all love you, and are sending virtual hugs and are so sorry you are going through this. I am so glad you have your beautiful, lovely daughter and hope you find peace soon.

  24. February 25, 2016

    Oh, Belle, I’m so sorry. So very very sorry. I wish I had better words to offer. I don’t know if there’s a reason or not, but I hope for your sake that you can find one that makes sense to you so that perhaps you will have a little peace in your heart. Be gentle with yourself. Much love to you.

  25. Amy #
    February 26, 2016

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. My heart will be thinking of your heart.

  26. February 26, 2016

    Oh hon I am so sorry. Hugs.

  27. 2mamme #
    February 26, 2016

    So so sorry Belle. This sucks. Be strong.

  28. February 26, 2016

    I can’t imagine. What a complete roller coaster of insanity. I’m so sorry. Glad you were able to share here. We rally behind you.

  29. February 26, 2016

    I am so very sorry, Belle. My heart aches for you and the Professor. Sending you both much love.

  30. Kat #
    February 26, 2016

    I’m so sorry. There are no real words of comfort during times like this. Life is just horribly unfair sometimes. My only advice is to focus on the the good in your life right now. Sabine, self care, the professor and everyone else that loves you.

  31. Karaleen #
    February 26, 2016

    I am so sorry. So very sorry you have had to go through this. From someone who has been there, I can somewhat understand. So many virtual hugs being sent your way for healing both physically and emotionally.
    kd

  32. robin #
    February 26, 2016

    So many hugs for you. I’m sorry for this rollercoaster. It’s not fair ❤️

  33. February 26, 2016

    I’m fourteen years past the miscarriage of my first pregnancy and I still don’t see a reason for it. I am so sorry this happened to you. So sorry your dreams have been shattered. It just sucks so much.

  34. Lisa @ hapahopes #
    February 26, 2016

    I’m sorry, love. So so sorry.

  35. 35life #
    February 26, 2016

    This makes me sad. I recently had a discussion with someone on the topic of those who struggle the most, seem to continue getting socked over and over. How much strength does one need to prove? And the “reason” for things, I still have trouble with. So sorry.

  36. Sarah #
    February 28, 2016

    I am so very sorry. Keeping you and your sweet family in my thoughts.

  37. JJ #
    February 28, 2016

    Belle — I don’t have words — other than “this sucks”. Thinking of you and your family as you grieve this loss of what could have been. Take good care of yourself!

  38. February 29, 2016

    I am so sorry Belle.
    I could offer a different personal perspective because this is a road i have walked down 4 times. I fill 6,4,2 in those forms and it still stings.
    Like you, I have trouble with my cycles, I am a classic pcos and insulin resistant. When my first mc happened after my cycles regulated, it was devastating but did give me
    Hope that at least things work naturally.
    I am not asking you to be positive or
    “Get over” your grief, Please that is not
    My intention here, but I ve been following your blog and I know you had Sabine througj IVF. This pregnancy that just happened spontaneously gives me
    Hope for you, that maybe one day when you are ready both mentally and financially and if you want a baby, at least you have the “natural” option, and dont need to resort to ivf again. Your body has proved it knows what to do and can do it with a little careful monitoring.

    Again, please accept my apologies if my comment hurts. That is not my intention.

  39. nonsequiturchica #
    February 29, 2016

    Belle, I am so sorry. Getting pregnant after going through IVF is always amazing, but the doctor should know better that you aren’t “cured.” And I hear you on how crushing it is to now have to change your form statistics. Hugs from Chicago. Take care of yourself.

  40. Jos #
    February 29, 2016

    I’m so, so sorry that you had to experience this.

  41. pegara #
    March 4, 2016

    I’m so very sorry!

  42. March 4, 2016

    Oh, Belle. I’m so so very sorry. There are no words that help ease the pain of the loss of a baby and the dreams that come along with that baby from the first positive pregnancy test. I’m sending you a big hug.

    For what it is worth, I don’t think I’ll ever find peace or a reason for losing my little girl and maybe none of us do, but I do think that you find a way to… cope? Survive? Get through the days until the next one is easier to get through?

    I’m thinking of you.

  43. March 8, 2016

    ((((((Hugs)))))))

  44. jak #
    March 9, 2016

    i am so sorry, belle. fucking universe. same thing happened to us. miracle pregnancy after backing off on breastfeeding (remember our kids were born within a week of each other). turns out it was turner syndrome. we made it to 18 weeks. i’m still crushed by the loss. read your most recent post though, and happy to hear you are doing ok. hugs to you and best wishes in your journey forward.

  45. March 12, 2016

    Oh, hun. I am sorry. This fucking sucks. 😦

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