Posts tagged ‘eBay’
The optimism I felt yesterday has been replaced with massive worry. I’m getting the same anxiety jitters I used to get before a big test in college. You know, the kind of nervous jitters that send your digestive track into high-gear and leave you racing for the bathroom. Yeah, those jitters.
Today I see Dr. Hope for a follicle check and I’m chock-full of performance anxiety. I’m worried my ovaries are not going to be performing well enough. I’m worried something else is going terribly wrong. I’m worried that the cycle will be canceled. I’m worried that I will disappoint everyone. I’m worried that it will forever be just me, Mr. Husband and our mess of cats.
I am a champion worrier. If only I could bottle this worry and market it…
Why worry when you don’t have to? For just $49.95 an hour Belle will worry for you so you can get back to enjoying your life worry-free! Buy It Now and we’ll sweeten the deal with a bottle of “Nervous Shit-be-Gone” to help you eliminate those worry-induced trips to the bathroom!
My body has never been much of an overachiever and tends to collapse under pressure. I’m so worried it is going to do this again today. See, there we go, more worry. Sigh. Aside from worry, here is a list of what else my body is feeling today:
- Miserably bloated. My pants are tight.
- Uncomfortable. Every time I move around I feel like I have a runner’s cramp in my abdomen except I’m not allowed to run right now. It is weird and I don’t like it.
- Gurgling. For some reason, likely the worry, my stomach is a volcano of noise and gurgles.
- Tired. I did not sleep well last night because of the bloating and runner’s cramp.
- Restless. I miss working out. Not being able to exercise while on these injections only adds fuel to the worry.
- Hopeful. Even under all this worry there is still an eek of hope. Maybe… Maybe the follicles are perfect…. Then 1 through 5 come through and dash out the hope.
I have 45 minutes left until I leave for my appointment. I think I will pass the time by cleaning off my desk and preparing for tomorrow, which is going to be better. It can get better.
I have never been one to put a lot of emphasis on my dreams. Typically they are nothing more than my brain digesting things that have already happened. On Friday night, though, I had a really vivid dream in which I was at Dr. Hope’s office for an ultrasound to check the follicles. Much to my delight there were three juicy ripe follicles on one ovary and one on the other. Four follicles ready to be triggered! I woke up before Dream Dr. Hope could give me my protocol.
This dream filled me with hope and positive energy for the rest of the weekend. I spent Saturday working at the house, and then went to a new stylist and got my hair cut. This stylist was just wonderful – easy to talk to, fun and funky and she gave me a scalp massage. To top it off, she did a GREAT cut and I left feeling really pretty, which is something that does not always happen after someone else styles my hair!
Late Saturday a couple of friends from college stopped by the house for the night on their way back to Colorado. I made an awesome dinner consisting of vegan green chili and my famous fat-free chocolate orange cake. Good times were had and then we retired to bed.
Sunday consisted of a quick breakfast before our guests got back on the road; yoga for stress relief and a brilliant chakra balancing mediation; a walk to the co-op for an organic lunch; a meander through an antique store; a stop by the fabric store for a zipper and then more eBaying. Y’all, I have done so well with the e-Bay sales! We have sold $522 in stuff meaning I am halfway to my goal to sell $1,000! I think the money might slow down a bit now, though, as I listed our best things first, but I’m just determined to get to $1,000 to help pay for this baby making process.
However, if my dream pans out and this positive energy I’m feeling is a sign, we might not need that $1,000 for additional fertility treatments! And then I could instead use it to purchase a new camera so I can document every adorable moment in our baby’s life!
Tomorrow I see Dr. Hope again (for real this time, not just in my dream!) to check my progress. This time Mr. Husband can come along, too, which makes me really happy. I want him to see what good stuff I’m growing!
Infertility comes with such a heavy price.
First is the mental anguish of not being able to do the one thing that our bodies were specifically designed for. Knowing that no matter how you try, you can’t will that ovary to ovulate. You can’t will the uterine lining to thicken. You can’t will your immune system to subside so your body can nurture. For all intensive purposes, my body cannot get pregnant on its own no matter what I do, think or feel.
Second is the toll infertility takes on the relationship. This week my body is so pumped full of progesterone that I’m bloated, have a yeast infection, am intensely crabby and now excess Crinone gel is exiting in a most disgusting fashion. I don’t want to be touched, but long to be fussed over. Mr. Husband stays back because he never knows what glance, comment or movement might send me into a rage or into a flood of tears. What’s worse is that my mind sits back and watches in horror as my body flies out of control. “Why am I doing this?” I think. “This is completely irrational.” Despite knowing it, I can’t get a handle on the situation.
The icing on the cake, though, is the financial price of infertility. I do not have infertility coverage and we are in a position where there is not time to wait and save. We have doctors saying make a baby now, or be prepared to face the real possibility of living childless forever.
We qualified for our first round of medication for free from Sereno’s Compassionate Care Program. For this I am extremely thankful – it saved us a lot of money. All the lab work, ultra sounds and IUI, however, will not be covered. And if the first month does not work, we will have to pay for medication the next month. My head spins when I look at the prices of everything. The financial burden looms.
Last week I was looking around our basement at all the stuff that sits unused and thought, if only I could sell all this… But a garage sale takes a lot of time to prepare for and often does not generate more than a hundred bucks or so. Craigslist is not always the best avenue to sell small things like cake pans, wine glasses and crafting supplies. But eBay…
A pack-rat since birth, I was afraid Mr. Husband might not be keen on the idea of selling our junk so I took the initiative. Two days ago I hauled up three cake pans and a cookie press and photographed them. When he asked what I was doing with the cookie press and pans I said I was selling them to make some money. I said we could save it for up upcoming move or maybe we could use it for me to go back to school when he was done. I did not say it could go towards the expense of having a baby, although I wanted to.
He thought about this for a day and then while eating dinner last night announced that he will sell some tools, a snow board and boots and some electronics that sit unloved. A hormonal mess at the time I did not realize the magnitude of what he was saying until this morning as I listed more cake pans – he is willing to part with things for me. The revelation made me cry.
Once at work, I wrote a post-it note and added it to my board.
A simple word that I must focus on when everything else seems so overwhelming. No matter where this journey takes us and no matter what the outcome, my husband loves me. Despite his telling me this countless times it did not sink in until this morning. Ovulation or not, baby or not, I still have the most amazing, perfect-for-me, man in the world. This, friends, makes all the difference.