Posts tagged ‘Gonal-F’
First, thank you all for the sweet, supportive comments when I was throwing a completely unnecessary tantrum about my broken lady bits. I try to keep this stuff inside but sometimes it just has to come out and me thinks it is better to cry it out to the interwebs than to start pitching an audible fit from my office.
This week has been crazy at work. I have had conferences across the state, I have a YUUUUGE document to edit and I have to prepare a presentation, or three, for the conferences next week. This is not how I planned to rest up and care for the ovaries. That said, maybe they prefer to be ignored. Maybe they have stage fright with all the doting and cooing of late and just can’t, you know, get the follies up?
On Tuesday at 4:30 I went back to see Dr. Hope to have a WTF meeting. Here I learned that I had actually gotten my E2 levels reversed. My first E2 level last week was 79. Monday’s E2 was 67, meaning I’m growing a big’ole crop of nothing in my belly other than muffin top. After more rummaging through my lady bits than usual Dr. Hope gave me two choices: cancel the cycle and go back on birth control till IVF 1.0 in January, or up the meds and see if these crappy things I call ovaries can muster up an egg.
I am so freaking tired of shooting myself in the belly each night. I’m really tired of over analyzing every twinge, pull and ping in my belly. I’m even more tired of missing out on things I love like copious amounts of Pinot Noir. So you know what crazy Belle said?
“Let’s keep trying. I still have plenty of Gonal-F.”
Lately I’m really questioning my sanity. I go back for another scan on Monday at 4. If nothing is happening I’m done till January and am going to enjoy the finest glass (or three) of red wine my bank account permits (Two Buck Chuck).
Now it is time I turn 100% of my attention to this document. 65 pages of editing goodness. That should keep my mind off the ovaries for at least a few hours!
I had been writing a CD update on Friday, but got distracted when I started writing about family. Writing about family takes just as much creative energy as talking to family. Tonight’s post will be short, too, as I’m pooped after yet another day of kitchen renovation*.
I saw Dr. Hope on, um, I guess Friday (all the dildo cam dates are starting to bleed together) and the news was not super encouraging. We seem to be doing too good a job of keeping me from hyper stimulating – I have one measly 9 mm follicle and a lining of 5 mm.
Despite this, Dr. Hope was still hesitant to hike up my dosage from the lowly 37.5 iu of Gonal. I go back on Tuesday at 4:30 p.m. for another scan. He says we will continue stiming until about CD 20. If there is still poor response then we will call this cycle quits.
I’m trying hard to stay upbeat about this. All we are doing is biding our time until his IVF clinic opens in the new year. Right?
I had been doing a fantastic job at not freaking out until yesterday when we went with two families, each with one year-old boys, to a pumpkin patch. What the fuck was I thinking??? Tons of adorable children and pumpkins everywhere. Oh My Gah!
I photograph one of these families on a regular basis and brought my camera thinking I could get some cute family shots amongst the pumpkins. Instead I spent the afternoon taking photos of goats and pigs. Why? Because for some reason these barn yard animals made me terribly happy to be where I am today. They made me remember why sometimes it is good to be the grown-up without a baby. While my girlfriends chased their sons, I quietly escaped with my camera and fed weeds to the critters. I love quiet time with my camera and realize that it will be a thing-of-the-past once we have a baby. (A welcome thing-of-the-past, mind you!)
I know that everything will work out for the best. I just wish it would hurry up, already. In the meantime, I think I will go
devour enjoy a vegan date bar** and feed my cats, who are almost as fun to feed as cute goats and pigs.
* If any of y’all are considering renovating your own kitchen, do yourself a favor and contact me first. I have been living amongst pots, pans, and pantry items for weeks now. This week we are short one kitchen sink and I found myself forced to wash lettuce in the bathtub and heat take-and-bake pizzas in the oven. Someone, please send pre-washed produce STAT!
** Vegan Date Bars have become my hormone crazed food of choice. So moist, so sweet, so oaty. I need to learn to make my own that do not contain a pound of vegan margarine. Maybe once the kitchen is done…
I love Gonal-F. I feel so amazing when I’m on it. I’m full of energy, super cheerful and don’t cry. I would rate right up there with Valium, which I also adore.
Last night was my first shot and, while I still feel ill when I smell the alochol pads, I’m ok with it. I’m going to give this cycle a good “college try,” while not beating myself up over every little thing I might do wrong. During the last cycle I was SO CAREFUL with everything. I would not scoop the cat boxes, exercise, eat anything that was not organic and obsessively washed,would not scrub the floor, etc. etc. etc. I was so terrified of distrubing the eggs and affecting implantation that I drove myself, and my husband, crazy.
And I still got a BFN.
This cycle, I’m going to try and live life normally. Sure, after my IUI I will relax for the evening. Sure I won’t down two glasses of wine with dinner and I don’t think this is the time for me to start running or playing football. That said, if I want half a glass of wine this weekend, I’m going to have it. If I want a brisk walk, I will take it.
Today I woke up early and cleaned the cat commodes (i.e. litter boxes) and swept and moped the basement floor so they have a pristine pooping area while we are gone (I’m a good cat mommy and worry about their commodes not being all shiny and clean)*. It felt good to be productive this morning and not
worry obsess about eggs. It felt good to remember that a BFP this cycle would be AWESOME and that a BFN would be FINE. I have choices, I have options, I have time. This should be my mantra for the next four weeks.
After yesterday’s post I decided it is time to be proactive. I’m done wallowing in the “why me” and am ready to actively pursue my baby from all fronts. I phoned the three highest rated IVF clinics in surrounding areas and found one in Louisville with good success rates that has a Shared Risk Program. This clinic will also work with Dr. Hope and let him do some of the monitoring locally. They offer two variations of shared risk: one with monitoring one without. Assuming Dr. Hope is comfortable with this arrangement, I would pay him out of pocket to monitor and then the IVF clinic would preform the retrieval/transfer under their Shared Risk Program.
I am feeling so good about this arrangement and really hope that Dr. Hope will be on board. This would also make it easier for him to be my doctor once I’m pregnant as I can think of no one else I would rather deliver my baby. I go in on Monday afternoon for a follicle scan and to chat with him about this arrangement and promise to report back as soon as I’m done.
Now I need to finish up at the office so I can leave early and not have to rush to the airport! I promise photos and stories from my weekend in PA next week!
* Now, before some mean person chimes in on how having cat will kill my baby please note: I wear gloves when I do cat box duty (cause turds are gross, y’all!) and if I’m changing out all the litter and stirring up liter dust I wear a mask. Ultimately, though, I don’t think scooping a few turds and moping up the litter crusties is going to kill my baby and if it does I’m probably not cut out to be a mommy.